• An Oscars recap for parents of young kids

    Posted by on February 25, 2019

    What did I think about the Oscars?  NOTHING!  I was reading stories and doing baths last night, but no worries, young parents, I have you covered!

    Best Actor – that guy who played Freddie Mercury.  Did I see the movie?  No, but a co-worker said he was good in it and the preview looked really amazing.  Great work, Academy, no protests here!

    Best Actress – Olivia Colman from the film, “The Favourite.”  There’s a “u” in Favourite, so that means it’s foreign and I will literally never watch this movie ever.  I’m sure she was great, though!

    Best Picture – Green Book.  Is this about a Dr. Seuss book?  No?  Never heard of it.  Will probably watch in 2024 when on Netflix and kids are older.  Check back for my review then.

    Other awards of note – I saw a movie about menstruation won an award, so if I live to be 346 years old, I’ll get to that one and let you know what I thought.

    Avengers: Infinity War didn’t win anything, so it’s all pretty much crap, but I saw Black Panther and it won several Oscars, so I’m pretty cultured and stuff.  Those are the two I’ve seen, so I guess this review is done.  Oh yes, the red carpet – a guy wore a tuxedo gown and it was absolutely ridiculous, but it was a statement, so people loved it.  Go read the Twitter for more!  See you next year!

    I was going to make the “Oh man, he took my outift!” joke, but I was beat to the punch by ever comic on Earth.

  • The worst part of comedy

    Posted by on February 19, 2019

    The absolute worst part of comedy is a press kit.  HANDS DOWN.  Imagine if every time you went to work, you had a have a picture of yourself plastered everywhere.  When I started, I was a mega douche and took a picture of myself smoking a cigarette and wearing a funny shirt and I should have been put in jail.  Then I switched to this dud.

    I look confused and apathetic!

    My one professional headshot came on four hours’ sleep when I got stuck coming back from a show and a train broke down which made me get home after 4 am.  She took 150 pictures and like three didn’t look like I was dead.  It was a huge improvement, but no one uses it anyway.  Now with Facebook, people just look at my profile, vomit a little, and then grab the worst picture they can find.  In fairness, I’ve had a beard for six years and haven’t updated my pic.  This should be my pic.

    I’m actually smiling for a picture.

    Step two?  Write a bio about yourself in third person, like a maniac!  This is always a blast also.  Imagine again, doing this at your job.  “Chris really likes to start the day with a coffee, then tear into sales analysis reports!  Customers LOVE his product suggestions and you will too!”  You would run into traffic.

    Plus add to this the fact that every time you update these, you realize how old you are.   I won some comedy contests in 2008, 2009 and 2010.  There’s no real titles in comedy, so I either have to keep using those or just let every emcee for the rest of my life say “He works clubs and colleges across the US!”  The other fun bio trick is list every comic people have actually heard of.  That’s also fun.  Again, translate this to your job.  “Chris has worked with the Midwest’s top sales rep, Karen, plus shared a call report with the legendary Stanley, once a fixture on the door to door sales scene.”

    In summation, I’m ugly and old and I need to stop a terrorist attack while telling jokes to get a better bio.

  • Hamilton the Musical: a review

    Posted by on February 15, 2019

    Well, I enjoyed a musical.  That alone should be the review.  I never really cared for them, mostly because conversation as music usually annoys me.  (Sings) I am going to the church, to the church, to the church, to see the Deacon, lalalala.  See what I mean?  That said, I was pretty impressed at the historical accuracy and lyrical content they weaved into their music.  I DIDN’T EVEN GET UP TO GET MORE BEER DURING THE PLAY.

    So, let’s review the plot – Hamilton the Musical follows…um, Hamilton the guy.  Alexander Hamilton was a very important figure in American History, from his role in the final assault on Yorktown to writing the Federalist Papers (which were key in passing the US Constitution) to his role as Secretary of the Treasury under Washington.  The play uses hip hop and modern style music, plus mostly non-white actors in the roles.  This is key because I’m not paying to see whitey rap.  Good call, Hamilton the Musical, good call.

    It was very focused also, despite the length and depth of material, I was surprised at how easy it was to follow.  That said, a rapping Marquis de Lafayette was nigh on impossible to comprehend.  French accent and hip hop?  Not so much.  Side note: work on heavy metal Washington musical.  The other part that really grabbed my attention was the background dancers.  They danced, moved props and supported the main characters really well.  If I notice non-speaking characters, you know they were on point.

    I think I’m more impressed by the fact that a play was able to revive interest in our founding.  I was very annoyed when talk began in the government to replace Hamilton on the $10 bill and wondered aloud why Andrew Jackson wasn’t the choice, given his defiance of the law and human rights abuses and/or stances.  In 2014, it was announced that exactly that was the new direction for our money.  I think this play had a lot to do with that.

    It’s also helping people to understand what happened in our republic and who was involved.  There is a very modern illness in society where people think anything old is bad and we have all the answers right now.  Not learning from or appreciating history is a very dangerous thing and if this play sparks a fire for learning and understanding the roots of a liberty based form of government specifically designed to curb power in people and branches, then I like it even more.  Except for the guy wearing an M&M baseball cap to the play.  What in the hell is wrong with you?  That guy probably rooted for Aaron Burr.  “I’m an adult and I wear candy hats to fancy stuff!”  Are duels legal in Ohio?  I hope so.

  • Why you shouldn’t be sad to be single on Valentine’s Day

    Posted by on February 12, 2019

    I was reminded of this in a post on Facebook asking about the worst date you’ve ever had, so here goes.

    I was set up on a date with a girl I met VERY briefly at a bar by my good “friend” Justin.  Our first date was going to a concert – exciting, right?  I lived much closer, so she drove to my apartment and we were to leave from there.  Cell phones had just become a thing, which was good, because she was late and had to call a couple times for directions.  When she rolled in, she pulled out a Michelob from her purse and slammed it down.  We got into my car just in time for rush hour traffic in Columbus and she pulled out another Michelob and a bowl.  She started smoking weed in my passenger’s seat as I gave her the stinkeye.  I’m no square, but broad daylight in rush hour?  I had a Buick, not a tinted window limo.  She looked over at me quizzically – “Oh, my bad, did you want to hit this?”  Sure!  Let me steer with my knee on I-270 in rush hour!  Not only did she do illegal drugs without asking, she had to be leered at to consider sharing.  Someone missed DARE and sharing time in Kindergarten.

    The concert was Dream Theater with Queensryche in the early 2000’s.  Not bad, but she LOVED Queensryche and I was along for the ride.  We got a beer and sat in the grass, when she exclaimed, “Oh, he’s here.  He knew I was coming to this concert.”  It was her recent ex/baby daddy, whom she bitched about being a deadbeat and a cheater and all manner of scumbag between puffs on the way there.  “I have to talk to him really quick.  I’m so sorry, I’ll be right back.”  She never came back.  Like we got there part way into Dream Theater and I sat by myself for their set, the intermission and all of Queensryche ALONE.  They did play Silent Lucidity and Jet City Woman, but come on.  ALONE.  I tried calling her cell to no avail, which was nigh on impossible due to the volume.  (There was no texting then, in case you’re wondering.)  I went to the bathroom, got a few beers, so there was a chance I missed her, but the venue wasn’t that big.

    After the show, I tried calling.  No answer.  I called 22 times.  Nothing.  I was there so long, the security guard made me leave.  I waited in the parking lot until the bus was leaving.  No call back, no answer.  Why?  I have no idea, I just didn’t want to ditch someone, even if she was a complete bag of shit.  So I left, well after 1 am on a weeknight.  I had to work at 6:30 am on the opposite site of town also.

    I left my phone plugged in downstairs and went to sleep.  When I got up at 5:30, I saw a bevy of missed calls (finally) and voicemails from around 4 am.  “You ditched me, I’m lost, slurred words mumble mumble you’re an asshole.”  I called back, no answer.  Finally, we connected on the phone and here’s what happened.  She went with her ex for most of the concert (uh, excuse me?) but then they fought so she came looking for me (allegedly).  I “ditched her” because apparently I was supposed to set up a tent in case after banging her jail time baby daddy she came calling for her chauffeur.  So she hitched a ride with a total stranger!

    This is where it got good.  She forgot my address and had no GPS, so she would up making this possible serial killer stop at a gas station.  She left her purse in the car with tons of cash from bartending in it, which this guy took.  She got back in the car and noticed the money was gone, so she jumped out and demanded he return her cash.  Without her purse in hand.  He peeled out with her purse, cash and God knows what else.  She was stranded at a gas station at whatever in the morning and called her poor friend to drive to Columbus from parts unknown to pick her up, which happened.  So of course, I was the asshole, because I planned all this to happen to her from the beginning like some criminal mastermind.

    BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THERE WAS NO SECOND DATE.  I did talk to her to make sure she wasn’t dead, she whispered something about me stranding her and I may have given my analysis of events and possibly her as a person being what we call in my parts “trailer trash” and a few other things.  THE WEDDING WAS OFF!  The best part though, was my pal Honk, who is by all accounts, the mouthiest, most abrasive human being alive, ran into her a week later at a bar.  He overheard her telling her friends about this Chris guy who ditched her and he absolutely lit her on fire verbally.  My matchmaking assclown friend was tending bar and said it was the most gratifying ass chewing he’d even seen, which made it worthwhile.

    In summation, if you’re lonely this Thursday, I have about 15 more stories similar to this, like the girl who I went on one date with and then called me 72 times in the next five days because I didn’t call her back at 7:00 when I was out of town at a cookout and her voicemail CLEARLY SAID 7 WAS A GOOD TIME TO CALL BACK.  Never mind we had already spoken that afternoon the day after our date.  Or the time my neighbor broke into my apartment to stand over me while I was asleep to tell me she loved me and hated me, as I gripped an alarm clock, ready to bash in her skull if she produced a knife.  I double locked my door and moved shortly afterwards.  ENJOY THE QUIET AND WATCH ROAD HOUSE OR SOMETHING ROMANTIC AND SHUT YER YAP ABOUT BEING SINGLE.

  • The consequences of being a creep

    Posted by on February 7, 2019

    Yesterday, as I was waiting for the dentist, I saw my feed fill up with posts sharing this story.

    https://www.columbusalive.com/news/20190206/cover-multiple-women-accuse-actual-brewing-founder-fred-lee-of-sexual-assault

    I performed here twice several years ago, when they first opened up and enjoyed the shows, but never cycled back there.  I only met this guy once and very briefly.  I read the article listing in great detail and with copious footnotes and reference checks to time after time after time this monster grabbed, assaulted, intimidated and harassed every woman mentioned and there were a lot, just in this article.  Let me list how this behavior affects everyone, just in case there are any people reading this who think this isn’t a big deal.

    • The women involved, whether having been shown explicit pictures to the ones who were directly raped and/or assaulted have been affected for their lives.  I imagine the stress, fear and even sadly, self blame has negatively affected them physically and mentally.  Also, likely damaging their current or future relationships and destroying trust in people.
    • The company will likely be bankrupted from the backlash, putting, it appears, nearly 40 people out of a job.  (Not putting this on the same level, but just listing yet another outcome.)
    • The victims have to relive this as it cycles through the media.  I think it’s great that this behavior is now in the open, but not an easy thing by any stretch.
    • Families have been and will be destroyed by the decisions made by one man – marriages, children and more.
    • Hopefully, prosecution and jail time for the owner very soon and very harsh.
    • I have no proof, but likely several people were forced to ignore or excuse this behavior to keep their employment.  The story did mention several brave individuals tried to oust the CEO, but even the first victim said she tried to rationalize her job by the fact she could stay away from him.

    Plus, lastly, if you’re a man reading this – has this ever led to sweet hookups?  Has any possible situation emerged in history where a man assaults a woman, pins her up against a wall, shows her a dick pic and gropes her and she screams, “Oh that’s exactly what I wanted!” before making passionate love to him.  NOT ONCE EVER, YOU ANIMAL.  Even if you strip all humanity from the victims, it still is repulsive to even think of a person acting in this manner at all or thinking this is acceptable in a functioning society.  You really have to be a sick individual to think in this manner at any level.

    I also think that it is important for women to know there are men who don’t condone this or endorse this in any way, shape or form.  Legally, our system, and I believe correctly, has a burden of proof before conviction of guilt, but as a society or even on a micro level, as a friend, husband, family member or co-worker, we have to encourage women to know they don’t have to suffer this alone.  Apparently, this scumbag’s actions were well known and hopefully a legal case is built off this, but it took several people coming forward to a reporter, to family and to friends to get this out in the open.  These victims, and to a lesser extent, their supporters through this incidents, should be applauded.  I am still bewildered and saddened that this goes on more than most of us know.  Hopefully, this gives inspiration for others to come forward and stop these things sooner or even before they get started.  I also hope the next assault a guy like this takes part in involves a prison shower.

  • Please God, stop acting like the halftime show matters

    Posted by on February 1, 2019

    The Super Bowl is upon us and quite frankly, I couldn’t care less.  The Patriots go every year and I’ve watched 15 seconds of Rams football since 2001.  All the stupidity comes out the week before – what foreign press agent will ask a dumb or inappropriate question?  What is the defensive backs coach REALLY like?  Is Tom Brady _____?  Seriously, we know everything humanly possible about Tom Brady, he’s been to 33 Super Bowls.  ENOUGH WITH TOM BRADY INTERVIEWS.

    Then we get to the halftime show.  Breaking news: It will be awful.  Here’s the only one that wasn’t and I’ll explain why.

    I would rather watch a recording of Prince than whatever they have planned.

    Prince was amazing.  Why?  He was a supremely talented performer and played music.  What do most shows do?  “Hey, let’s take this musical act and shoehorn in 165 dancers with glitter jumpsuits and ribbons trying to dance like a high school flag corps.  Then toss in a jumbotron, smoke and 15 seals with beach balls.  Perfect!  Oh, and most important – only play 45 seconds snippets of every overplayed song they’ve ever done.  Back to back to back like we’re trying to induce a stroke.”

    I have zero opinions on Maroon 5 when it comes to character and I have never once in my entire life sought out their music, but whatever poppy/dance numbers they have will be on display.  It has nothing to do with Colin Kaepernick.  He’s a football player; they’re musicians.  He’s been out of the league for years and is doing just fine.  Nothing they do will affect or impact his cause; they’re a pop band.  I actually wished every band supported him by protesting until they cancelled the damn halftime show so we don’t have to watch at all.  I think the media pushing the “controversy” is a classic example of getting people worked up over absolutely nothing.  I’ll recap it for you now.  It’s going to be ADD on steroids, it’s going to suck and no one will care about it until they do one of those “ranking the Super Bowl halftime shows” things next year and every year after.

    So here’s my vote – let whatever band play their music, get rid of the laser show and horde of mimes and street magicians or whatever they have in the background and be done with it.  Oh and don’t act like if you think Maroon 5 sucks, you’re going to buy all their albums if they cancel or take a knee.  This is America in 2019.  Everyone will move on to the next “I’m pissed about this” issue in four days.

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