• The internet is making us worse, part 1 – movie reviews of Avengers (no spoilers)

    Posted by on May 7, 2018

    I have thought about this topic for a while.  First, I hate when people use “us” when they are talking about themselves, but I’m using the internet to get this blog out, so to avoid being a smug ass, I used it.  Second, I’m not saying there’s going backwards, so hold your eye rolls.  My point is just that the internet is making people worse human beings.

    Let’s start light for this blog.  Movies.  When I grew up, movies were reviewed by a couple really pretentious guys on TV or in papers, but generally you saw movies that 1) looked interesting 2) were about a topic or story you cared about 3) had actors/actresses you liked or 4) your family or friends recommended them.  You enjoyed them or didn’t and told others your opinion.  Now, thanks to the internet, EVERY MOVIE IS SHIT AND SHOULD HAVE BEEN DONE BETTER BY A PERSON WITH A BLOG.

    I will avoid spoilers, but the current biggest movie (and maybe biggest ever) is Avengers: Infinity War.  It reached $1 billion faster than any movie in history.  I finally saw it and the next day, saw three articles on Facebook or my email website about how it made money, but really wasn’t that good…while it’s making hundreds of millions of dollars in a week.

    Here’s the beef, because of course, I clicked on the articles.  “It had too many characters.”  It’s a war, it’s supposed to, moron.  Wars aren’t fought with six people.  “It left out ______.”  I’m not joking, that was in the same article.  In other words, there are too many people, but you forgot one person, maybe two, from one Marvel movie in the last ten years.  It went on – “There wasn’t enough dialogue for _____.”  Well, the movie wasn’t seven hours, so yes, they didn’t have Captain America reading the Lincoln Douglas debates to Corvus Glaive.  They didn’t give Groot fifteen minutes of “I AM GROOT.”  “There were too many men!”  I THOUGHT WE DIDN’T LOOK AT GENITALIA ANYMORE.  SHUT YOUR HOLE.  Also, tons of female superheroes, so dumb point, but nice try, stupid.

    I had to take a paragraph break to catch my breath.  I hate the internet right now.  OK, here goes.

    “They gave the Guardians director power over the script but not the Black Panther director, so it’s racist.”  BLACK PANTHER CAME OUT THREE MONTHS AGO.  THERE’S NO WAY THEY WERE GOING TO REDO THE MOVIE.  IT WAS DONE.  DO YOU KNOW HOW MOVIES WORK.  IT’S NOT A CARTOON WHERE YOU CAN DO ONE IN A WEEK.  “There was a inconsistency in Gamora’s backstory!”  There were movies made by different writers and directors for the last ten years.  You’re lucky all the actors are still alive, let alone someone took the time to analyze one sentence from a movie that came out four years ago and compare it to a scene in this movie.  15 years ago, before Marvel started making movies, all you nerds were crying about no superhero movies about your favorite character and not one person gave a squirt of piss about Gamora’s backstory.  Go run into traffic and ban yourself from watching a movie ever again.

    I had to stop there.  Enjoy the movie or get a job being a legit movie critic.  Go watch the fish sex weirdo movie with your snobby douche friends and sew your lips shut before you ruin my day again.  Sadly, this is the most benign criticism of the internet, but I’ll start here.  It makes really uninteresting and untalented people think their opinions are worthwhile.  DID YOU MAKE A BILLION DOLLAR CASH COW, INTERNET MOVIE ELITIST?  NO?  THEN STUFF YOUR REVIEW WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE, WHICH IS EVERYWHERE IN YOUR MISERABLE CLOUD OF A LIFE.

  • Maybe I don’t need to learn new things anymore

    Posted by on May 4, 2018

    About a week ago, our young dog meandered into my son’s room and the unmistakable stench, similar to rotting fish stung our nostrils.  Any dog owner knows that smell – overfilled anal glands.  For some reason, dogs seem to dig it, but it’s straight up horrible and doesn’t go away magically, so I called the vet.  With two kids and a full work life, it’s a pain in the rear to try and fly over on my lunch or go in on a Saturday, so my wife and I thought, why not have them teach me how to take care of this pungent mess myself?

    I watched a YouTube video – yes, there are several on this wonderful topic, and nearly vomited.  Surely it’s easier than this…what is that greyish brown…oh God…I can’t even smell this video…  I got to the vet this week and met the tech.  “So what we do is the internal method because it works much better.”  Um, how about the extra external method, like I do this from outside the neighborhood or outer space?  She smiled and kept going.  “You need gloves, some lube… “Just like last weekend, amirite?  Ah, no high five back.  Continue.”  OK, I didn’t really say that, I was too horrified to speak.  “Then you insert your thumb in the…(she paused) anus and feel around the 5 and 7 o’clock positions for a raisin.”  I hated raisins before this, I really do now.  “How about I do the first one, then you.”  Oh goody.  Let’s rip this bandage off.

    The first one went great for her, but the small room filled with a stench five times worse than the fish smell from the night before.  The gag reflex was barely subdued.  “Now it’s your turn!”  I put both gloves on and went after it.  Nothing happened.  “Is that it?  Did I do it right?  (I knew I didn’t)  “No, try to feel for the raisin.”  Again with the damn raisin.  Haven’t you done enough, making me think you’re chocolate chips, you son of bitch hasbeen grape?  I tried again and suddenly thick, viscous brownish liquid sprayed, I mean really sprayed out from my dog’s sour flower like a skunk blast.  I saw it cover the paper towel on the floor and her fur.  The reeking odor, once overwhelming, now stung my lungs as I tried not to breathe.  The deed was done and no one was happy about it.  “You got it!”  Oh I sure did, lady, I sure did.

    I finally got out of the stank chamber and paid my bill.  $18.  You know what, I think I’ll find time on my lunch break to make this visit happen next time.  You could add a zero to that bill, ma’am, I’ll be back next time too.

  • Because we need one more hot take on Michelle Wolf (gunshot)

    Posted by on May 1, 2018

    I am friends with too many damn comics because I saw about 5000 posts/tweets/blogs/shares about Michelle Wolf.  MIGHT AS WELL JUMP IN SINCE I DO JOKEY TIME AND I KNOW EVERYTHING.  Breaking news: My liberal friends who do comedy are saying, “Suck it up, reverse snowflakes!” and my non liberal comics friends don’t seem to like it as much (yes, there are some comics who aren’t liberal/progressive).

    First, stop defending Michelle Wolf.  She knew exactly what she was doing.  If you have the balls to go in front of White House officials and the media and blast the skin off their backs, you aren’t looking for allies.  She has a Netflix show coming out.  She’s doing exactly what she wanted to and will benefit from the criticism in ways you couldn’t hope for.  She’s a big girl and her show will get a huge boost now.

    Second, it was vulgar.  Doesn’t mean a lot of it wasn’t funny.  Doesn’t mean she did well for the event’s crowd (she didn’t) – she didn’t care about that, see the previous paragraph.  Was it her fault, the booker’s, the crowd’s?  We will probably never know.  I’ve been paid to work formal events and even the lower standard fund raiser show.  I did a show where the patrons told me before and after to curse or they wish I had cursed because the comics seemed uptight.  I didn’t.  Why?  The person paying me told me not to.  She used language and references that from my experience were way out of line for that type of room…but I have no idea and don’t care.  Until the emails are released of what was expected, it’s a waste of time to jump on a horse and scream into the wind about it was her fault or the booker’s fault or the room was uptight.  Probably all three.  The world will turn and they will adjust the show accordingly.

    Third, was it funny?  Some of it was.  I must admit, if I hear another Nazi joke I’m going to vomit.  She did a great job covering the news topics of the day and even since Trump’s election, but I thought was light on media jokes and heavy on him, so the balance may not have been there for the event.  Also, the abortion joke was poorly written.  Abortion supporters claim a fetus is not a baby, so her wording played into the hands of the pro-life supporters if she was attempting a knockout blow.  Again, not sure the parameters set or expected, but as a rule, if people are wearing formal clothes, probably not the place for such a joke, if such a place exists – you can watch it or read the joke, I’m not going to transcript the whole thing.  Just my two cents and I’m not a clean comic by nature, so I’m not prudishly swatting away any crude humor, just observing material as someone who has been paid to perform in a tuxedo or suit on multiple occasions.

    Like everything, this will pass and next year, they’ll probably give the room to much less partisan or dirty comic.  I really don’t care about this event – it was a private event that got way too much coverage regardless of the politics.  I don’t care who is supporting the event or performance.  The same people cheering Dave Chappelle’s support of Ms. Wolf were losing it over his last couple specials’ lack of sensitivity towards the trans community and women.  Calm down everyone, it was a comedy roast of sorts.  A traditional roast is for one person and they expect it, so this is a little different, but not much.  It was highly partisan and very blue and wasn’t very nice.  And not one person I know or ever will talk to was there or could have been there.  It’ll be OK for her and the administration, which will probably also get a boost.  People don’t like seeing a comic tee off on someone unless they think they deserve it.  In other words, everyone is exactly where they were before this event in regards to their disdain for Trump world or liberal celebrities.  Hugs for all (don’t touch me, please; hug each other or whatever).

  • The NFL Draft: Blah blah blah here’s a pick

    Posted by on April 27, 2018

    The NFL draft started last night and boy was it exciting.  OK, I didn’t watch.  I used to watch most of it, then I realized I was alive and could walk around and do other things, like anything.  What a draft in sports is, is where 90 sports analysts call each other stupid because they disagree on who or what a team needs and should pick.  Then a team picks a player and they all agree or disagree with the pick and call the team stupid or genius.  Then this cycle repeats for several hours – in the NFL’s case, over 3 days.

    I wouldn’t mind the draft, if there were about three minutes between picks.  They have three months to get ready for it – the bad teams even longer because they didn’t make the playoffs.  They get 10 minutes, then the time starts dropping.  Used to be 15 and one year, the Vikings didn’t get their pick in for 45 minutes – they actually got skipped twice.  They should have pulled the GM out and threw rocks at him until the pick was made.

    Also, it’s all guess work.  If you’re last in the league in passing and your QB threw 43 interceptions, my toddler could tell people you may want a quarterback.  I don’t need three months of breaking it down by ten guys who have never coached or played football.  Then they get a QB and they talk about it for 20 years after.  Some fans actually go to the draft and sit there sober and cheer for three days.  I just shuddered a bit.

    All you need to know is very highly paid people are picking new players for your team.  Most will be off the team in three years.  If too many don’t make the team, those highly paid people get fired.  If most do, you probably will win games.  There’s your breakdown.  Watch the first round, then go do something else.  If you’re watching the seventh round on day 3, you need help and I feel bad for you.  Watching draft guys argue is less entertaining than watching drunks at a bar yell about who was better at sports in high school.

  • Vacations suck

    Posted by on April 20, 2018

    Well, as I’m typing this, I’m technically on “vacation” aka my kids didn’t get sick, so I’m using days off before I lose them.  I don’t suffer from depression, but if I lost a vacation day, I would burn down 73% of this damn city.  The plan was that I would meet my wife at the movies to watch Black Panther and drink some drafts, but on the way to work for my half day, we found out the sitter’s kid had lice and our kids were home.  VACATION BABY!  Time to wash everything we own, including my daughter’s 447 stuffed animals!  WHOOOOOOOOOOO!

    Not the worst though.  Oh no, here’s the best of the rest!

    Appalachia – High school Chris takes his pal Honk with the parents to Tennessee.  My parents wanted to go to somewhere in Tennessee, I don’t remember, so I drug my friend along.  The highlight was on the way we stopped to piss and there was a mountain with a concrete luge.  Hell yeah!  These rednecks with weird skin color patches told me and Honky Tonk not to release the brake fully or we would wreck, then let us race on the dual tracks.  Well, because I am also a redneck and not one to listen to anyone, I fully released the brake.  I was kicking his ass and in a show of intelligence, turned around to taunt my friend with various insults.  My lead quickly evaporated as I hit a 90 degree turn near the bottom at 35 mph.  I could have leaned into it, but I didn’t listen to the billies and was facing backwards like an ass, so I launched into the air and the first thing to hit the concrete at full speed was my neck.  I realized why the billies had weird skin patches – it had been ripped off via concrete.  The rest of the trip I had to turn with my whole waist to look left and right, since I couldn’t move my neck.  Oh and Honk beat me in a testosterone version of the tortoise and the hare.

    Cancun – Quick summation: scummy college student exploiting website took our money, then said they “overbooked.”  Got flight out of Pittsburgh by finding loophole to stick them with ticket to Atlanta.  Flight to Cancun delayed thanks to engine.  Spend 14 hours in airport.  Fly to Cancun, hotel given to others.  Half sleep in tiki bar with 19 others as Mexican children steal our shoes.  Friend threatens local travel site office with violence via a baseball bat – we get four star hotel for week.  Flight back falls through.  Repeat, but in Mexico.

    Italy – Honeymoon.  We leave Venice for Florence.  Miss train by 10 minutes.  Strange Middle Eastern guys try to pinch me for luggage by surrounding me in tunnel under tracks.  I told him to “back the fuck off” and he made a slashing motion by his throat and his three companions who had suddenly appeared behind me from a hallway disappeared.  Then we missed bus in Florence by five minutes.  Another 4 hour delay.  Then bus in Poggibonzi goes an hour the wrong direction and we miss check in in San Gimignano by an hour.  No one has cell service, so I bride the last restaurant open and get the owner of our B&B out of bed to let us in.  We drink the only bottle of Jim Beam in Italy and pass out for 11 hours.

    This was the view out my window. Maybe vacations don’t suck.

    They had a torture museum and gelato. It was perfect.

  • The worst people on Earth award goes to…

    Posted by on April 16, 2018

    I see a lot of stupid on the internet.  Stupid can be understood.  Evil can’t.  So for the worst people on Earth award (April 2018) version, congrats to people that exploit or attack the victims of tragedies, aka “False Flag Hoaxers.”  This trailer trash couple, who go by fake names anyways, so not worth mentioning, actually are emailing, calling and face to face confronting the victims of the Sutherland Springs shooting, claiming they will offer $100,000 for proof that the shooting victims actually existed.  There’s a video on Vice I won’t link to, you can google it.  I can’t even link to it on principle, it’s so disgusting.

    Why?  Their claim is that the government staged the whole thing to put fear into the common population.  I’m assuming the government does this to control people through fear or restrict rights, but honestly, I can’t bother to dig deeper into their reasoning.  Their claim is that you can’t get a death certificate (you can, actually).  The problem is that if you produce one, they’ll just say it’s fake.  So I’m here today, to debunk these mouth breathing inbreds with logic and humor, these modern day Westboro protest level vermin.

    First, the same government that apparently staged this is the same one that didn’t bother to file the background check information on the shooter.  He beat multiple women, fractured the skull of a baby and threatened to kill multiple people, causing a discharge from the military.  So the same government that is to blame for him being able to legally purchase weapons staged the shooting…so they could have their errors exposed in allowing him to purchase a weapon through their gross incompetence?  Sorry, dummy, strike one.  You have no logic trail already.  Say hi to your mom/aunt and dad/uncle for me.

    Second, there are multiple pictures of the family that I have seen after the shooting of the families from different locations with different outfits at different ages.  There ARE valid birth and death certificates, but you would deny they were real, plus let’s face it, I’ll give $100,000 to you if you prove you have $100,000.  You and your live under a bridge and ask people questions wife both appear like Wal-Mart is too fancy for your wardrobe.  He by the way, looks like an ex-amateur wrestling called Big Dumb whose biggest match was at East Central high school gym against the Crippler on the West Texas pro-am wrastlin’ circuit in 1987.  By the way, if he actually has $100,000, I’ll use his logic and yell “Nuh-uh!  Nuh-uh!  That ain’t real!”

    Third, you’re lucky these people are better than you.  If, God forbid, one of my family or close friends were killed and you got up in my face about it, I would pull your genitals off like an angry chimpanzee.  Even if you are really stupid enough to think the government (look at Congress right now…go on keep looking) would create 26 fake victims, including a 77 year old and an unborn child, which takes a whole lot of stupid, why would you confront the victim’s families?  Go after the government, then.  The only reason, is that you’re pure evil.  As in, you have no ability to comprehend human suffering and therefore, are not fully human.  Oh and use your real name, pussy.  I love these tough guys online (or in his case, in person) that use fake names.  Why don’t you use the fake name Cactus Ass and show how tough you are, you know, shoving cacti – you get it.  You the reader, this moron probably counts to 20 by taking his shoes off (or 22-24, depending on the amount of fingers and toes he has).

    There has to be legislation passed to protect these people, but I’m not smart enough to know Texas law vs. federal law.  I am smart enough to know how Texas operates, so hopefully someone accidentally rolls this lumbering ogre and his toadie up over the hood of a Silverado – accidentally, of course – while um, swerving to miss an armadillo or gum wrapper or something.  Sorry you have to deal with this, Sutherland Springs.

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