Christmas comes early! I got the COVID virus!

Well, here you all are moping around about 2020, but I’m getting gifts early – the Rona! I figured if it’s cost me thousands of dollars due to cancelled shows, loss of quality time with family and friends, entertainment options limited, and killed off literally hundreds of thousands of small businesses including my favorite restaurants and stores, why not try it out myself?

Ironically, I was just telling my wife I hadn’t blogged in a month because I literally had nothing to write about. More gifts from our friend, COVID-19! Thanks for the spark! (There’s no sparks from the disease, you won’t actually get electrocuted, I meant creative spark. You have to watch what you read on the internet…I just found out some of it is false! Can you believe that?!)

Here’s what it was like for me! I went for a run Sunday, being a world class fitness model and all, and when I was done, my middle chest/windpipe didn’t feel right. I felt winded the rest of the night. Not bad. Monday I woke up and was light headed, had a small fever and I was sure a gorilla had been punching my kidneys and lower back all night. I took aspirin like I was trying to ascend beyond the mortal plane. It was a thumping, deep pain. Tuesday? Almost nothing. Other than a violent cough every sixty minutes out of nowhere. It’s fun just walking to the trash can then wrapping your shirt around your whole face while convulsive spasms rage in your throat. Oh and the chest weakness is still there. Only time will tell what fun will linger around like a bad fart for my endurance and lungs.

In case you’re wondering, we think the whole house got it so at least I’m not in a bubble scaring my kids, so that’s good, I guess. What’s next for me? First, I’m coughing on things to mail to my enemies. I have a lot of enemies. LOOKING AT YOU MAC DOUGAL IN POUGHKEEPSIE! MERRY CHRISTMAS, SCUMBAG! Second, I’m using all this free time…oh wait, I don’t have any still. I’m working from home and have two kids under six. We are fine. We didn’t lose anyone and still have employment, unlike a lot of people, so I can’t comp..(checks liquor cabinet – good? OK), yes, I can’t complain.

That’s the funny part, here’s the takeaway. If you think this is a hoax, I’ll come over and spit in your mouth. Call me in five days. This thing is more contagious than a stupid Facebook post. We haven’t been inside one restaurant since this started, my son has almost never left the house other than the yard and we mask up every time we go anywhere. I even mask up picking up nuggets at the drive thru. The vaccine is almost out so keep your pants on everyone and stay safe – we did and we still go it. Actually keep your pants off, you’re at home.