What can Americans actually agree upon?

Since I would up being a semi-retired part-time comedian, I guess I finally put my history degree to use before the election to ask this (hopefully not rhetorical) question. What can Americans actually agree upon? First off, no one is agreeing on everything. It ain’t happening and never has. Secondly, no I haven’t done any official polls but my kids slept in so he goes my effort.

Term limits. I think “we” (I used quotations because everyone is ready to street fight right now with the election next week and the pandemic still raging) are ready for term limits. This idea, in my life, has typically been embraced by the right and center more than the left, but is now coming up with the Supreme Court on that side also. I think everyone can get behind the idea for Congress also. It amazes me that Congress has such a horrific approval rating, but most get reelected. Familiarity breeds contempt, but leads to votes. This is one reason I’m not one of those “everyone needs to vote!” folks. If you don’t pay attention, maybe you should sit this one out. Term limits were not added into the Constitution because by and large, the society back then didn’t support the idea of lifetime politicians. Sure, there were a few, but if you look, a lot more bounced between state and national and didn’t come out of Washington multi-millionaires.

No matter your politics, we can also agree there are simply not enough holidays from January through May. Sure, there’s Valentine’s Day and St. Patty’s, but if it’s not a day off work, it doesn’t count. Also, no more Christmas off work on a Wednesday. Three day weekend, please.

Campaign and lobbying reform. Sure, I get it. Most people only care about fundraising for the “other” side. I don’t care what your political leanings are, the amount of money being raised for these races now is terrifying. Senate races over $50 million spent? How many families could be helped by that? House races – a two year seat – at 10 million dollars plus? How much debt could be paid off with that money? As for lobbying, these ex-politicians that enter the meat grinder of K Street and come out even richer is getting old also. There is too much graft leading to increased interest and cost for the American people. I think this is another bipartisan idea that can work: not so much money in politics. No matter where it’s coming from.

You know what else is bipartisan (or should be)? People that don’t replace the TP should be put in the stockade. And no, leaving a half torn square doesn’t count as doing your part. And single ply is banned. What are we saving, three cents a pound?

Human trafficking and drug reform. Whatever your politics, these are major issues. Too many kids at put at risk by their own parents and caregivers by trafficking and drug abuse. No, I’m not talking some grandiose network of millionaire abusers, I’m talking someone on the other side of the tracks. We should be able to agree that there are too many child abuse and child death stories in the news, as in one is too many, let alone the untold multitude of neglected children being raised by habitual abusers and drug addicts.

I think we should also agree on the following, liberal or conservative, Democrat, Republican or Independent.

Daylight savings is dumb and needs to go. No one wants the stupid ass night to start at 5 pm. Stop it.

If you try to merge onto a highway at 20 mph, the road has a big spring under it and launches you into the air like Wile E. Coyote.

My kids need to sleep more or learn to about 50 chores, like reorganizing my garage and mopping floors. They’re five and two, so maybe just sleep more. Maybe that’s just me, but c’mon America, help me out.

If we can approve term limits, we can approve post limits. After your fourth non-funny post on social media, your devices lock out for 24 hours.

Lastly, maybe realize people have different life experiences and opinions and you may not like it, but it’s OK. Example: I like scotch better than bourbon, my wife like pineapple on pizza and some people mouth kiss their dogs. Maybe not popular stances, but it’s OK. Alright, not the last example, that’s just weird. Dogs lick their nether regions like all day. Long story short, in a week (or a month depending on the courts and whatever idiocy we are due for) you may or may not like the result, but either way, the government isn’t supposed to matter this much in our lives and maybe we can get worked up about that for a change.

If a comedian falls in the woods…

Is a comic who isn’t telling jokes on a stage a comic? Welcome to 2020, the crotch of comedic years. The unwashed, jock itch year of comedy. Let’s view how comedy is going at large.

There are virtually no indoor shows and it’s late October. I have been told since I started that outdoor shows are an absolute disaster. Semis pulling jake brakes, Harleys and engine revvers, bad acoustics and weather changes make for a crapshoot. It’s been literally the only way to get onstage for most comedians and it’s going to be a high of 50 starting next week. Yay.

There are indoor shows, but they are restricted attendance and very limited opportunities exist. This is good for the industry that they have this option, as a lot of clubs were in trouble before the pandemic. I know of ten clubs and venues that went away in the three years BEFORE this all started. We are literally seeing a bloodbath in the industry of food and entertainment right now. I have counted five restaurants in my area that are gone since the lockdowns started. Oh and coronavirus is still around and being open is a huge burden because the staff literally has to relearn how to do their jobs. I haven’t done an indoor show since February.

So what’s left? Zoom stand-up? I won’t do it. Telling jokes into an iPhone is literally insanity. I’ve done a live podcast, a sketch type video and an interview style show, but no stand-up while sitting down in my kitchen talking to a screen.

Truth be told, I haven’t enjoyed doing stand-up for years. Not to say I’m done or quitting or retiring; for as nostalgic as I am in general, I have had salt rubbed in my eyes with comedy for years. Quite frankly, if I record an album like I planned to this year, I would be absolutely fine never doing another set in my life. I realized I hate every recording of myself doing stand-up and I have put too much effort into it in 13 years to leave with no record I can even stomach watching. I’m at the point with comedy that unless something changes, I don’t see shows starting back up and I’m not sure I care. I see other comics and open mikers talking about missing the stage. I roll my eyes back into my head when someone asks how comedy is going. I have no interest in it. Maybe that will change, but probably not anytime soon.

So long story short, I have nothing to blog about. I have no shows on schedule, the pandemic is still raging and people have absolutely lost their minds drinking political Jonesboro Kool-Aid right now worse than I ever seen in my life…but I felt I had to put something out there since I have a comedy site. Maybe next blog I’ll share a recipe or thoughts on a history topic like the Civil War or rank hair metal bands. Oh wait, it’s a comedy site. I’ll do that, plus a video of me stepping in dog shit. Enjoy!

How to fix the debates

Since I’ve done two shows in six months and nothing is allowed to funny anymore, I will continue my very serious blog turn. OK, not really, but here goes.

  • Get rid of moderators. I know what you’re thinking. The debates have been chaos. I just noticed after the first debate everyone of the left said Chris Wallace was a wimp and everyone on the right said he was biased. Here’s an idea. Have the candidates talk for 10-12 minutes uninterrupted. The other one gets 10-12 minutes to respond. Then a 2-3 minute rebuttal each. They have to talk about the three topics picked most important off three independent polls of registered votes and they can pick one other topic each, plus one they both agree on if not in the top three or their personal pick. In other words, let’s say the top three topics picked by Americans are the economy, healthcare and foreign policy, then Trump picks border security and Biden picks the pandemic and they both agree to talk about the police.
  • More time. I kind of covered this, but when you give a candidate two minutes, they aren’t going to give a serious answer. If someone can’t talk about a top issue for more than two minutes, they deserve to be beaten in an election.
  • If they get unruly, their microphone is cut off after a grace period of 30 seconds over the time.

There you go, all better. You’re welcome, America.

Trump vs. Biden

Look, you can get one sided facts or insights from any ol’ site about this election, but the real hard hitting stuff can only be found right here. On a comedy site that absolutely promises zero research or provable data. Enjoy. BTW this is all based off impulse and I put about five seconds of thought into it, so calm down and don’t send me hate mail.

Favorite music? I have no idea, so let’s go with impressions. Trump looks like the type that literally listens to zero music. Like a guy who drives from New Jersey to Maine with the radio off. He will say “I really love music.” “What is your favorite song?” “All of them.” Biden however does listen to music – something like Big Band era, but if you ask him he will lie and try to be cool, but miss terribly. “I love the Master PeePee song. And Vanilli Milli. Those girls are great. (Assistant whispers in his ear) Oh and MAP. That’s all I listen to these days.”

Favorite food? Obviously Trump likes Big Macs, which is mind blowing that someone with his money eats like a 13 year old boy going through puberty. Biden actually has false teeth so he probably just chugs protein shakes or Metamucil or something that gives him terrible gas.

Favorite color? Trump likes navy blue and literally zero other colors, but he will tolerate red. Hates every other color, thinks they are dumb. Biden is color blind, but acts like he isn’t and his wife is constantly stopping him from walking out of the house with mismatched clothes.

Favorite movie? Trump for sure likes Patton, but only the part where he slaps the shell shocked solider. He’s never watched the whole movie. Biden likes Porky’s, but will only say some Oscar winning movie from a super long time ago like Terms of Endearment, even though he’s never seen it, because he’s only watched Porky’s in the last four decades (although he’s seen Porky’s at least 56 times).

Favorite ice cream? Trump will literally eat ice cream for breakfast and probably loves something weird like plain vanilla or pistachio. Biden ate so much ice cream he’s now lactose intolerant and has to eat that weird almost ice cream stuff that you swear you’re going to eat to lose weight, but you throw it out because it’s just not the same.

Hobbies? Trump has golf, but only to make deals. He hates all hobbies because they waste his time. Biden has no hobbies because he seems like the type that tells stories all the time if someone is within 25 yards of him. If he’s alone, he’s absolutely calling someone and doing 84% of the the talking.

Boxers or briefs? Trump 1000% tighty whiteys. Biden 2000% boxers with the Rolling Stones lips on them.

There you go, the most important political analysis you will get all day.

Sorry, you must have confused me for Mr. Rogers.

Finally, the darkest hour of the pandemic hath arrived. I had to talk to TWO neighbors IN THE SAME WEEK. TWO! God give me strength.

To give you a background, I have not necessarily had the best neighbor history around. I had a sex offender and a drug dealer (two neighbors, not the same person) once at an old place and yet the sex offender managed to call the cops on me playing poker at 8:30 on a Friday. That neighbor was jobless, by the way. Once they got into it and the creep chased the dealer with a bat and I’ve never rooted so hard for two people to take each other out. It would be like watching Thanos fight Skip Bayless.

I have had pretty good luck here – my one neighbor is pretty cool and likes good bourbon (yay!) and Spanish rap (not yay!) and we get along. My other neighbor is an 88 year old lady that mows her own grass and pushes her trash out. I like her because she refuses to let anyone help her and when we took her cookies, she brought me back coffee cake and I could eat coffee cake with toenail clippings in it. Coffee cake is the best.

All that said, my first reaction when one of my neighbors tries to speak to me is to scream and throw holy water on them. About once a year, like a reverse purge, I try to be nice. I waved at the immigrant family across the street about six times when we moved in and they just stared me down. My brother in law visited once and the grandma talked to him for ten minutes. I just have that “don’t make eye contact with this psycho” look and I am completely fine with that.

My wife texted me “Call the neighbor quick, she tried me twice in a row.” She’s almost 90, so I’m thinking the worst. I called and she had an excruciating conversation with me about whether the trash was picked up that probably lasted three minutes, but should have lasted 14 seconds. Two days later, another neighbor, who has talked to me once about keeping my pit bull out of her yard, was waving me down with a flashlight. 1) I have no pit bull. 2) I have a fence that no dog on earth can jump over. This time, yard lady was yelling “What was that horrible screaming?” I was thinking “Probably you talking to yourself?” I then had to spend precious time out of my day telling her that cats fight. She’s at least 60 and I had to go in to onerous detail and then she was grilling me on if it was my cat. I almost wanted to tell her, “RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, THEY’RE COMING! OH GOD!” then drag myself in the house dramatically, but she probably would have started a whole new inquiry. Now I know why Daniel Boone once said, “If I can see chimney smoke, it’s time to move.”