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  • Deer hunting: the great adventure

    Posted by on December 5, 2016

    Since the beginning of recorded history, men have hunted to provide meat to their tribes, families and loved ones.  I finally undertook this great journey and I learned a lot.  Not anything useful, but a lot.

    My wife told me my father-in-law and uncle-in-law (I think that’s how you say it) were going hunting.  I had discussed it in years past, so I decided to join in.  I called the Ohio Department of Natural Resources, like the cavemen did, to find out what I needed.  “I’m calling about a hunting license, but it’s on my father-in-law’s land.”  “You need a license, it’s not your dad!”, she snapped.  A little aggressive.  “Do I need the antlerless or either sex permit?”  “Unless you want to be poaching.”  “Even before I shoot one I need a tag?”  “Go ahead and poach and see what happens.”  Well, screw me for asking questions on the first shot.  I guess I was supposed to know the entire wildlife law from birth.

    Side note: I left the permit and tag at home, so after all that back and forth, it was for nothing.  Ohio law won’t let you reprint or access the license either, even when paid for.  I love government.

    Apparently deer fear this face, because I didn't see shit

    Apparently deer fear this face, because I didn’t see shit

    I take that picture caption back – I saw a TON of deer shit.  Just no deer.  Not one.  I saw bark stripped off trees, hoof prints, two salt licks devoid of activity and a bird.  Five hours of walking around.  I did find a small cemetery with a Revolutionary War vet gravestone, so that was cool.  Not five hours walking into thornbushes cool, but not bad.

    I then realized that was probably the best scenario.  Here’s the other options – I shoot a deer, have to gut it, drag it all over the hills and get busted for poaching since I forgot the sheet of paper I already paid for, even though 7000 deer get hit by cars every hour in Ohio and no one needs a license for that.  Option B – some drunken redneck fires a slug into my ass and I have to walk around for the rest of life using a colostomy bag.  I think next year I’ll focus on this –

    The true meaning of hunting - getting drunk and carrying a weapon

    The true meaning of hunting – getting drunk and carrying a weapon

    I found this in the off road vehicle.  Shotgun shells and Busch Light double deucers.  That’s next year’s plan.

  • Did people know how stupid other people were before the internet?

    Posted by on November 30, 2016

    Monday was ablaze here in Columbus as a knife-wielding maniac plowed his car into a crowd and began slashing away (the second one this year, let’s hope the quota for assholes with blades has been met).  Amazingly, no one was killed, well except the loon, which is nice work by the cop on the scene and also the emergency personnel.

    THEN COMES THE INTERNET IN TO RUIN EVERYONE’S GOOD FEELINGS!

    Here’s some dummery.  A guy posted that a white cop shot a black guy with a knife and we should be upset about that.  So how does this work, then?  Should the cop call a timeout, get a cop of the same race to shoot the attacker?  Can he run him over with a car, since that was used also?  I got it – he should slide him a gun, so they’re both equally armed…or pull out his cop machete!  Problem solved!

    Another one – a lady posted on Facebook that she felt bad for the guy (hmmm…OK) and it was probably all the racists in white Ohio. Last I checked, Ohio isn’t all white.  Also, he was upset about the portrayal of his religion, not his race, but either way – KNIFE ATTACK WINS THE OFFENSIVE CONTEST.  If I call you a douchebag and you swing a knife at me; you went over and above the normal, acceptable level.  That’s called ordered society.  The best part of this?  This lady was white.  Thanks white lady, for helping me understand how racist my state is, which you’ve never been to.

    How about this?  How about you keep the commentary down until we make sure everyone is OK and get all the facts?  Sound like a plan?  Or instead, you do us a favor and cut your own index fingers and thumbs off so you can’t type dumb dumb on the magic computer box and depress the rest of us?

  • Winter is coming and it sucks

    Posted by on November 23, 2016

    Fall is my favorite season, mostly because all the other ones suck.  Spring?  Still freezing for half of it and muddy, tons of crap to do around the house.  Summer?  I sweat if I move and the only thing on TV is golf.  Fall?  Nice temperature, football starts, holidays approaching.  Then we have winter.

    Winter’s good points?  Christmas, New Year’s, fun in the snow (once).  Sometimes new TV shows.

    Winter’s bad points?  Shoveling snow at 4 am just to get to work, then shoveling again to get back in driveway when home.  45 minutes to drive anywhere because people all become stupefied by snowflakes.  Dark at five pm.  Post New Year’s is the most depressing 2 month stretch of the year.  Chapped lips.  Dry feet turn into what can only be described as hooves and cracked hands.  Black dirty snow and ice all over your car, which takes seven hours to warm up and defrost.  Floors constantly wet or dirty.  Dry air.  Snot and booger production off the charts.  Inability to exercise (OK, that one’s not as bad).  Football ends.  Wife puts sub-zero feet in middle of my back at night.  Kid can’t go outside to burn off kid energy without a two hour ordeal of winterizing.  White Walkers killing all the Wildlings.  Vikings attack the granaries you worked all summer to stock up.  Everyone is sick every three minutes.

    At least there’s chili everywhere and you can put beer outside at parties without it getting warm.  Not worth your nose bleeding when you sneeze because the air is more dry than Cairo in July, but it’s something.

    * Really quick side note – my fundraiser for Pets for Patriots is going until December 13.   Please help me raise to my goal by giving as little as $10 or if you can’t give, by sharing the link on social media.  The money goes to help veterans with PTSD give shelter pets a home (win/win) and other great things, like help veterinary care for the pets of our veterans that can’t afford it.

    Link is here: https://www.crowdrise.com/pets-and-vets-comedy-benefit-show/fundraiser/petsforpatriots

  • Things to be thankful for, 2016

    Posted by on November 21, 2016

    Well, it’s Thanksgiving week and I thought we should run down things we’re thankful for.

    1) We are thankful that the election is over.  It was rough, but at least people can focus on other things…what’s that?  Protests?  Protests about protests?  Cries of racism?  Cries of fake racism accusations?  Well, it looks like we can cross this one off the list.  It’s still ugly out there.

    2) At least some new sports teams won championships this year and we have some long suffering fans happy and thankful.  Alabama’s number one in football?  The damn Patriots are still beating everyone?  Golden State signed Durant?  OK, half thankful.

    3) We have our friends.  Oh, half of them unfriended us over the election?  Well, glass half full, right?

    4) It’s colder, so we can now find out what winter clothes from last year don’t fit our fat asses now.  What’s that?  Oh right, that’s not something to thankful for.

    5)  Um.  Most of us aren’t allergic to peanuts?  We get two days off this week and don’t even have to use sweet, precious vacation days?  Godzilla didn’t attack this year?  See, it’s not all bad.  Be thankful-ish.

    6) Lastly, we should be thankful for our friends and family, especially the ones who haven’t put Christmas decorations out yet.  I also am thankful to anyone who helps me raise money for or shares my link – I’m trying to raise $1000.00 for Pets for Patriots by December 13 to benefit shelter pet adoption by military veterans, especially those with PTSD.  If you can’t give, then please share with others via email and/or social media.  Thanks for your help!

    https://www.crowdrise.com/pets-and-vets-comedy-benefit-show/fundraiser/petsforpatriots

  • Dear doctor, I hate you

    Posted by on November 18, 2016

    I had to get a biometric screen (that’s a fancy word for physical) to keep my insurance from going up yet again.  I think I would rather have had my insurance go up.  Anyone have a time machine?

    Dr. – Did you fast for the last six hours?

    Me – No, was I supposed to?

    Dr. – Yes.

    Me – Well no one told me to.  Just do the blood work.  I’m not coming back.

    Dr. – Your levels will be off, especially if you drank milk.

    Me – (How does she know I drank milk?  How fat am I?)  Oh cool, I had almond milk.  Light almond milk, trying to lose weight.

    Dr stares at me.  – OK.  (Test results later show Dr. was 100% right or I have preliminary diabetes).

    Dr. – You smoke?

    Me – No.

    Dr. – Ever?

    Me – (Who is this Spanish Inquisition motherfucker?  Back off my nuts!) In college.

    Dr. – Drink?

    Me – (Well Judas priest, I’m toast now.)  A little.  Just like four or five a week.

    Dr. stares at me.  Writes something down.  Probably not good.  (Clears throat) Well, let’s check your BMI.  Oooh, you’re higher than before.

    Me – Aren’t those all messed up?  I lift weights.  Muscle weighs more than fat.  (Tries to remember last time I lifted weights, imagines that I still have muscle).

    Dr. – Um.  Yeah, a little bit.  (Stares at chart that lets me know I went from overweight to obese long enough to send message).

    Me – OK, thanks doc.  (Plans to get new doctor or eat nothing but notebook paper and kale until the next visit.)

  • Maybe learning is bad

    Posted by on November 16, 2016

    When you have a toddler, each day is a new adventure.  One day, your little learns a new word, skill or even dance move.  It’s fun and great and everyone is happy.  Usually.

    My daughter learned how to climb in the tub last week on her own.  She just scaled the wall of the bath and hopped right in the kiddie pool tub thing, whatever it’s called.  (Dad doesn’t learn new stuff anymore, he’s old.)  It was a riot.  The next day, she did it again!  Haha, look at that!  Then Momma realized her diaper was full of more shit than your average Congressperson.  Yay!  New skills!  The water was dumped, the pool refilled and poo was all over the place.  I got to hold an angry, naked timebomb who had her precious splash time interrupted while my wife cleaned the bathroom, which now resembled a working farm.

    Maybe learning time should be bottled up and saved for potty training instead.  I vote for that.

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