• The Final(s) Countdown

    Posted by on November 25, 2015

    Tonight I will be hosting the Finals of the Open Mic Talent Search at the Columbus Funny Bone at 7:30.  I’ve won a few comedy competitions over the years and it’s one of the strangest experiences a comedian came go through.  The first time I did one was this very contest in 2008.  I got to the finals and was on fire in the first and second round.  I got up at the finals and completely ate it.  There’s nothing like 300 people staring at you in dead silence as you try to act like you’re doing well.  I would rather take a shit in front of 300 people than go through a bombing like that again.

    I won the next one that they did in the fall though, less than a year and a half after I started doing stand-up.  The best part isn’t the prize money, it’s having a tag for your act.  “Former Winner of the Funniest Person in Columbus” sounds better than “Once performed to smatterings of tee hees at a bowling alley” or “Opened up recently for a guy who worked with a girl who guest spotted a show that Dustin Diamond was on.”

    My advice for any comic in the contest format is maximize your laughs.  You’re only up there for 5 minutes.  The winner is usually the one that has a smooth 5 minutes and no down spots.  It doesn’t hurt if you have a lot of friends and family to support you, especially if they’re delusional enough to think you’re funny.  That’s advice you can take to the bank, says Chris Coen, 2008 Funniest Person in Columbus, 2009 Champion of Champions – Columbus Funny Bone, 2010 Funniest Person in Cincinnati – Go Bananas Comedy Club, author and comedian.  I should start a comedy consulting firm.  Oh wait, they’re all poor and I’ll make nothing.  Never mind.

    Also my book is available on Amazon – “Stuff to Read While You Shit” – eBook and paperback.  I have a baby.  Do you want to starve my baby?


    Posted by on November 23, 2015

    I brainstormed recently about possible outcomes for the 2016 Presidential Race – here’s what I came up with.

    1) Bernie Sanders pulls off a massive upset over Hillary.  As he leaves the DNC nomination, he is hit by a car driven by someone in an orange pantsuit laughing maniacally.  An email implicates Hillary Clinton, but no one cares about the investigation and she gets the nomination.

    2) Lindsey Graham storms out of nowhere to win the presidency.  No one wanted to vote for him, but think he’s a woman with that name and he wins the female vote handily.

    3) Donald Trump wins the election, brings on Carly Fiorina as VP just so he can say “You’re Fired!” to her.  He builds a huge wall on the Mexican border, but it backfires when more Mexicans show up thinking it’s a casino.

    4) Barack Obama decides to ignore the Constitution and run for a third term.  He wins, but the Republicans botch the impeachment hearing so badly they end up impeaching thier own Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.  Conservative Republicans call it a fair trade-off.

    5) Ben Carson wins the election and immediately opens up a new department to investigate the pyramids.  Satisfied with the findings, he resigns to start an a capella singing group.  The chain of succession ends up making Mayor McCheese President, who undoes all Michelle Obama’s school lunch programs.

    6) Jeb Bush wins by getting Karl Rove to secretly change the ballot to say who would you NOT vote for.  In the confusion, everyone ends up voting for Bush.

    7) Hillary Clinton wins and bans all comedy clubs from America.  She then goes on tour of America to make money for the Clinton Foundation as the only comedy act allowed.  Her practice of changing her voice to black or Southern accents for speeches helps her do characters, but it falls apart when Bill turns the White House into a strip club in her absence.

    8) Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio tie and are forced to kill the Castro brothers as a tiebreaker.  Political pundits pontificate whether either candidate has seen the Running Man or Hunger Games and may have an advantage.

  • The perfect stocking stuffer, if you have stockings and stuff them

    Posted by on November 19, 2015

    Hey comedy blog readers, I was going to blog, but I had to write a whole new five minute set for the Ohio State/Michigan Great Debate and I used all my funny.  That show is sold out, but I should be able to post the audio or video next week.  Stay tuned.

    As for shows, I’m going to be hosting and closing the finals of the Talent Search at the Columbus Funny Bone November 25 at 7:30.  This will sell out before Wednesday – http://columbus.funnybone.com/ShowDetails/3ece2935-7fb7-4ba6-b0c7-566c0d0870d6/835a5551-0c03-4271-9a36-6bce765bcde3/FUNNY_BONE_TALENT_SEARCH_FINALS/Columbus_Funny_Bone 

    Finally, my book is now on Amazon in both paperback and as an e-book for Kindle.  http://www.amazon.com/Stuff-Read-While-You-Sh/dp/1329558936/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1447988249&sr=8-1-fkmr0&keywords=stuff+to+read+while+you+shit+book&pebp=1447988248458&perid=0Z2PBGR623CZDJVDTKPE 

    It should be obvious I suck at posting links, but my book should provide some cheap entertainment as a stocking stuffer for the holidays.  Or maybe as a full gift.  Maybe you’re cheap or you really don’t like the person very much.  Either way, I’ve got you covered!  Get your orders in now to get by Christmas – the publisher probably didn’t think I’d sell more than four copies, so stock is probably limited.

  • How to be a bag of shit after a tragedy

    Posted by on November 18, 2015

    There are way too many bad stories anymore.  In the last week, I’ve seen stories about ISIS attacks, child abuse, government corruption and heroin overtaking communities.  Most people do the right thing when discussing them, like mentioning how such things make them appreciate their families, how they feel bad for those who have suffered, or even link to websites that offer aid and comfort.  It makes you feel better.  DON’T WORRY, THOUGH, THE INTERNET WILL TAKE OF THAT!

    If you pointed out that there was an outpouring of support for France, but no one cared about the Beirut attacks, I get it.  If you didn’t post anything about Beirut before the Paris attack, you’re a douche.  “Why doesn’t anyone care about Beirut?”  I don’t know – why didn’t you until someone pointed it out to you and now you act like you’re better than everyone?

    If you posted about the need for religious tolerance, while bashing another religion, you’re what is called a hypocrite.  I hate to bust up your moment – there are scumbags that are Muslim, Christian, Jewish, agnostic, Satanists, Druids, atheists…see where this is going?  Trashing a whole religion or non-religion to support another one is contradicting the whole point you feebly attempted to make.  Except for Zoroastrians.  I’ve had about enough of their bullshit.

    Please do me a personal favor.  Don’t invoke the Constitution, Bill of Rights or another American symbol for topics you like, then trash them when they don’t work out to your exact specified list of political demands.  I can see James Madison now, writing out the Constitution.  “All done.  WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT WILL JERRY FROM PATASKALA THINK ABOUT THE APPOINTMENT OF FEDERAL JUDGES IN 2015?  SHIT, WE HAVE TO START ALL OVER!”

    Finally, whatever your opinion on an event, political issue, or life in general, just remember there is a very stupid person that agrees with you 100%.  It puts things in perspective when you see someone post about how dare they get fired for stealing from the cash register at work share the same link as you.

    ISIS is a radical terrorist group that sells little girls into sex slavery, burns people alive (including other Muslims), executes Christians, Jews, homosexuals and non-believers -even children.  This flock of shitbirds isn’t fighting for independence – they want to enact a global theocracy by any means, including mass murder.  While we’re pissing about, they are planning their next attack.  Let’s direct our venom at these Stone Age throwback intolerant psychos.  And Tom Brady.  Does that guy lose at anything?

  • Is there a diet where I can sew my mouth shut?

    Posted by on November 16, 2015

    I can deal with the fading eyesight, the thinning hair in the right places and the growing hair in the wrong places.  Please God, though, don’t make me eat healthy.  I won’t be able to go on.

    When I was 18, I graduated high school and was signed on to play college football at a small college.  I was desperate to get to 200 lbs. for the program, especially since I was supposed to play offensive line.  I know, it sounds like a bad idea already, and you would be correct.  I tried lifting, then I realized that it was easier to eat the $1 Whoppers and switch from Busch Light to Icehouse and MGD.  Problem solved, until I got to camp and realized I wasn’t bigger, faster and stronger, just fatter.  My college athletic career didn’t last to year two, in case you were wondering.

    Now I don’t drink nearly as much, eat better and run more than I did then, my shitty old metabolism is not doing its part.  Neither is my willpower.  My wife had me run to get her a slushie from Sonic.  As I was driving there, I thought, “I had ice cream yesterday, I should avoid any sweets.”  As I pulled in, I thought, “I’m definitely getting a blast.”  “Sorry, sir, our blast machine is broken,” the girl said to me.  “Can you still make milkshakes?”  “Yes.”  Oh thank the heavens!  God forbid I take advantage of the situation and skip the ice cream treat, no I’ll find a way to get that sugary dairy product into my swollen gut.  “Just pour the milk and sugar into a bucket, I’ll eat it!  Anything!  I’m a desperate man!”

  • Thank you for your service, sort of

    Posted by on November 11, 2015

    Veteran’s Day is a day we honor those who serve in the U.S. armed forces.  It’s great, we parade a few of them around at NFL games, some get discounts at restaurants, then we pretty much say good luck.  Fix the wait times at the VA?  Nah, we have to find more government programs to spend money on, we’re only 19 trillion dollars in debt.  Improve job training and counseling for our vets after their active duty?  I’m sure they’ll figure it out.  Hey while we’re at it, let’s start a war, then make sure they have to ask permission to fire a gun at an enemy with an unrealistic list of engagement rules.  God forbid they shoot someone while trying to defend themselves.

    Don’t let them carry firearms in their own bases; after all they’re probably not trained enough and I’m sure those terrorist shootings at military bases were just coincidences.  Make sure we demote or discharge those guys who beat up the Afghan warlord who had a 13 year old boy as a sex slave – it’s part of their culture after all.  We wouldn’t want to offend anyone.

    If you haven’t guessed, I’m being a shade sarcastic.  I’m sure they appreciate the Facebook posts and 10% off at the chain restaurant, but I would encourage everyone to consider seeking out another way.  I googled ways to help a vet and a ton of sites came up.  http://www.cnn.com/2013/11/05/us/iyw-simple-ways-to-honor-veterans/ was just one in case you’ve never heard of the internet (how are you reading this?).  Oh and this is a comedy blog…I just made fart noises by sticking my hand under my armpit.  Trust me, it was hilarious.

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