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  • A guide to college majors

    Posted by on August 24, 2016

    Student sits down with guidance counselor.

    “OK, let’s find what major suits you best.  Would you sell your mother for medical experiments, say for five bucks?”

    “God no!, that’s crazy!”

    “Hmm, no business for you.  Do you enjoy boring strangers to the point of death?”

    “No, of course not.”

    “That rules out accounting.  Let’s move on.  Do you like being really poor?”

    “That doesn’t sound good, how poor?”

    “Well, like you should have avoided college because you would have been poor, but debt free poor.  If you like writing, English or journalism.  If you can draw, art is a special kind of poor.”

    “How about medical studies?”

    “You won’t live long enough to pay off those loans, you have to start when you’re three.”

    “That sounds awful.  I want to make a difference, not be poor and not go to school for 40 more years.”

    “Well, that rules out history because you’re clearly not learning how this works here, haha!”

    “Political science?”

    “Ah, so you want to run for office and screw people, now we are on to something.”

    “Cancel that.  How about science?”

    “Are you an American citizen?  Can’t do that, silly.  Have you considered general studies?”

    “OK, fine, whatever.”

    “Excellent, here’s your general studies degree and directions to the unemployment office…and a bill for $70,000.  Congrats, young graduate!  Go make your way in the world!”

  • The return of football

    Posted by on August 22, 2016

    Sports fandom has several layers for most people.  A big portion of people couldn’t care less no matter what, some people are psycho fans that get buried in caskets of their favorite teams.  I read about a guy who was such a big Steelers fan, he had his body placed in his favorite chair for the viewing when he died with Steelers Super Bowl tapes playing on a TV.  I would like to do something like this, but have a tape of me yelling “What are you looking at, dickhead?” over and over.

    America’s favorite sport is football.  It was baseball, but there’s not enough hitting and people can’t pay attention for more than seven seconds, so football is perfect.  Even better, there’s only one game a week.  Try following basketball, baseball or another sport once you have a kid.

    Football means an excuse to drink at noon, the most passive betting system in America known as fantasy football, and legions of fans telling their friends how much better of a GM or coach (or player) they are than the guys on TV.  It’s cookouts, beers and fat guys wearing jerseys to weddings.  Welcome back, old pal.

  • New laws that need passed

    Posted by on August 19, 2016

    It’s an election year, so we as a nation get collectively dumber by the day.  The usual issues get bounced around, people are tired of some politicians, scared of others and so on.  Well, it’s time we discussed issues, not candidates.  Here’s some laws we must pass if we want to flourish as a nation.

    If someone asks you a question, then asks another question while you are trying to answer that first question, you are allowed, by law, to chop them in the throat.  If someone asks you your opinion, then trashes your answer because they already knew what they wanted to hear and simply wanted justification, then the same, but to any part of their body.

    If someone posts more than one political post per day on social media, they have to run for office or start a political talk radio show in one week.  If not, they must have an electric shock therapy device installed on their keyboard…maybe just the letters “e” and “s” to make it fun.

    Anyone caught trolling people on the internet under a fake name has to move under a bridge where they belong.

    If someone’s cell connection is bad, but they still call you five times in a row, they are not allowed to make another call until they wear a hat with an antenna on it.

    That’s a good start.  Oh, and if you make a beer that tastes like coffee, you have to put a warning label on it that it will taste like ass.  Keep them in their own worlds, people.  They’re both good on their own.

  • Olympic lows

    Posted by on August 16, 2016

    There are some great moments in the Olympics – close finishes, inspirational stories and moments that inspire entire countries, like the North Korean who won a bronze medal, then commented the medal would be bigger if the countries were unified again.  I’m sure he’ll never be seen again once he gets home, but it was pretty popular in South Korea and it took balls.  Well, here’s the latest on the other end of the spectrum.

    – Olympians being robbed, stabbed and shot at.  I thought the worst problem Brazil had was the disease factory called Rio, but apparently it’s the fact if you take one step out of the safety zone, you’re getting mugged.  In fairness to Rio, Ryan Lochte’s hair can be seen from outer space, so he probably stood out.  Then again, I walked through downtown Detroit at 11 pm two years ago and had no problems, despite it’s reputation.  Of course, it was so damn cold bullets would have frozen in the air, so maybe I shouldn’t brag.

    – Anti-Semitism still a thing.  The Lebanese contingent blocked Team Israel from getting on the bus to get to the open ceremonies and other countries from certain countries are dropping out of events because it would “legitimize” Jews as equals.  Sweep that one under the rug, NBC, you’ve got inspirational stories that can’t be sidetracked!

    – Internet vermin attack Gabby Douglas.  Should she have put her hand over her heart?  Yes.  Maybe she had a bit on her mind at the moment of winning a gold.  How many of the douchebags attacking her bothered to take their hats off at the last sporting event the anthem played?  Probably none.  She won a handful of golds for the country; the trolls going after her probably drive 50 in the left lane, cheat on their taxes and write checks in long lines at the grocery.  Then criticizing her hair?  You took time to turn on your TV, watch gymnastics, then log onto a connected device and insult a 20 year old athlete’s hair.  The last time your stupid ass jogged to the end of your driveway, you probably had ill fitting shorts from 12 years ago and bedhead from sleeping in until 1 PM.  Get a life…or on second thought, get a bottle of sleeping pills and a six pack.

  • Olympics – the top stories so far

    Posted by on August 11, 2016

    I like the Olympics, mostly because America usually kicks a lot of ass.  I don’t care what the sport is, I’ll root for it if the old USA is involved.  Take that, country that hasn’t won a medal in 44 years!  Here’s the big stories so far (at least to me).

    – Phelps gets cupped.  Michael Phelps, hero to drinkers and potheads everywhere for showing you can party and still dominate, had weird bruises and people went nuts.  I’ve been cupped before.  My wife had to use them when I knocked a ribhead out of my back playing in an alumni football game.  I was so dehydrated and inflexible, the cups helped pull blood into my back to push the ribhead back in.  I mean, I am basically ahead of Michael Phelps.  Hack.

    – Who in the hell plans this thing?  There are at least 432 different swimming events.  Can we narrow it down to a sprint or a distance race?  There is so much going on in swimming, I’m shocked they can cram it into two weeks.  Canoe slalom?  Yep.  Rhythmic gymnastics?  Of course!  Wrestling?  Almost removed completely from the Olympics.  That makes sense, it’s just one of two sports that require amateur status and has been around since naked men grappled in the ancient Greece games.  OK, maybe I’m hurting my case for wrestling.

    – Poop, dead bodies and steroids.  You try and be nice to an underdeveloped nation and they reward you with rivers full of feces and human remains.  Luckily, a sizable chunk of athletes were found to be doping, so they can survive the bacteria and disease covering every inch of the city.  The Russians were doing so many PED’s, they could have been – well, the Russians in about every Olympics.  Ever since Ivan Drago killed Apollo Creed, I haven’t trusted those bastards.

    That’s it for now – US is winning medal count and it keeps people from putting up political posts for two weeks, so keep at it Olympics.  The sports, not the poop water.  Keep up the sports.

  • Party time!

    Posted by on August 9, 2016

    I used to host parties with some regularity when I was younger, especially Halloween parties.  The prep was buy a bunch of booze and put the same decorations I’d put up six straight years in a row.  Then I hoped no one pissed in my laundry room or chucked my furniture off the balcony.

    Well, I got to host my first kid birthday party last weekend (which makes sense because I have a kid now).  It was a little different.  I actually cleaned.  This is a weird thing where you wipe stuff down and mop and sweep.  It was unpleasant, but seemed to work.  I’ll make a note of that.

    Then I went to the store.  Four times in 24 hours.  We made this (by we I mean my wife).

    E is for eat me!

    E is for eat me!

    Me going to the store with my wife’s list usually involves me aimlessly looking for something I’ve never heard of, like vegetables or fruit.  The last trip, though, I bought a batch of beers and ales totaling 72 drinks, plus ice and 3 gallons of ice cream.  Cashier: “Having a party?”  No, I am going for the funnest suicide ever.

    We survived and my daughter had a blast, but if we get three more toys in the house, I’ll have to sleep in the car to make room.  It works, because I still have tons of beers left over and I tend not to care where I sleep after pounding a few of those.

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