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  • Adrian Peterson and spanking

    Posted by on September 17, 2014

    Maybe I listen to too much sports radio, but it seems like this is biggest story in America right now.  Two sides dig in and prepare for trench warfare.  The first are the “beat ‘em senseless, it’s good for ‘em” crowd that acts like as long as they don’t bruise, have at it.  “Use a sack of oranges, that’l learn ‘em!”  The others are the people that act like if you correct a child at all, you’re kid Hitler and they’ll be in therapy for 27 years.  “Then I wasn’t allowed a cookie before dinner!”  “OH MY GOD!  BREAK THE CYCLE OF VIOLENCE!  Have some happy pills.”

    There is truly only one correct assessment of this situation.  I heard a caller to a show say, “How can you hit a child?  How can you lay hands on the life you created?”  Another then called and said no discipline leads to entitlement and a life of lawlessness.  I have the answer.  I’ll beat your kids for you.  It’s tough work, but someone has to do it.

    If I need motivation, I’ll just dive into the memory bank and think of the white trash mom at Revco who was letting her kids play with all the crappy drug store toys when I was a stock boy.  They were throwing the over-priced plastic at each other and knocking everything off the shelves.  It got so bad I was called to clean the aisle.  I cleared my throat and began restocking the shelves.  The kids thought it was funny, so they started knocking more off the shelves.  The woman looked at me with disdain, like I was interrupting her kids’ trip to Disneyland.  It was at that moment I realized my true purpose in life.  You’re welcome, America.  Now where’s my sack of oranges?

  • Breaking news – September ’14

    Posted by on September 15, 2014

    Adrian Peterson’s abuse charges have set off the age old debate on whether you should spank your kids or not, which will spark a wave of “I was raised (with/without) spanking and I turned out fine!”  Runner-up will be “Kids these days (need/don’t need) spanking and here’s why!”  Let’s face it, there’s only one correct answer – we should beat more adults.

    Scotland may vote soon to break from the United Kingdom.  I say if they want it, they have to take it old school wearing blue paint and carrying five foot long swords.  Mel Gibson would probably help if you told him Britain was full of Jews.

    ISIS has beheaded yet another person on camera.  Whatever acronym they use, I think it translates into “We all have small dicks and like getting hit with missile strikes.”

    Ebola is the next disease we are supposed to collectively crap our pants over – until nothing happens, then it will be replaced when the media realizes no one is scared of it anymore (SARS, swine flu, bird flu, West Nile, Ebola the first three times, Staph infections, etc.)

    Hillary Clinton is obviously running for president in two years, but will not officially announce yet.  The trend lately seems to be, vote the opposite from last time, then run as the anti-Washington candidate.  In other words, the Republicans will win this year big, just like in 2010.  The Democrats won handily in 2012 and 2008, so it should be their turn in 2016.  Americans will figure this pattern out and demand a third party finally somewhere around 2348, 280 years after the country has collapsed from within.  Or the Hall of Presidents at Disney will become self aware and start a robot dictatorship that lasts centuries.  That’s probably more likely.

     

  • Thursday night football

    Posted by on September 12, 2014

    Stream of consciousness from Steelers vs. Ravens -

    Thankfully the NFL network quit showing the games so I can watch at home.  BW3 revenues are down across the city.

    What exactly is a defenseless receiver?  Aren’t they always defenseless?  Next year they’ll have to pillow fight to knock the ball loose.  If I was dead, I’d be rolling in my grave!

    My comedy buddy Jake Iannarino and Ravens QB Joe Flacco look alike…in the face.  If you see an athletic 6’6″ comic, take a pic.  Most comics have more physical flaws than a circus freak show.

    Sports announcer may be the easiest job ever.  You read stats and act like no one else saw them flash across the screen.  I couldn’t do it though – I can’t talk for 3 minutes without cursing.

    If the Steelers pass rush was a Halloween character, it would be Strawberry Shortcake.  Lame.

    I hate the Ravens’ logo.  It has 14 colors and looks like a European flag.  This is America!

    Can the announcers stop saying Baltimore had to bounce back from Ray Rice?  He was suspended for this game before being cut, they have three other backs, and no one is crying for him.  They’re not brave, they’re playing football.

    Well, it’s a blowout.  Luckily, I have beer to get through this blowout and the horrible fall TV previews.  Scorpion and Madam Secretary?  Clear my schedule!

  • Ray Rice and public relations basics

    Posted by on September 10, 2014

    Ray Rice is garbage.  That’s easy to figure out, not that a video was needed – strangely everyone saw him dragging his lady out of an elevator…mild reaction.  Did anyone really not put two and two together?  So he’s out of the league.  Now to point out the rest of the idiots.

    Before I get all pissed at the NFL, let’s keep in mind Ray Rice is walking around a free man.  Anyone in the legal system think a professional athlete bare knuckling a woman might warrant some follow up?  I got a ticket once for driving through high water that cost me $115.  Oh I’m sorry, he went to a counseling session.  I’ll keep that in mind if I punch some granny for cutting me off in a grocery store line.  “10 years for assault?  No thanks, your honor.  I’ll take an anger management class.”

    The NFL.  Wow, did you bone this one.  You make players wear pink shoes for breast cancer for a month, but dole out a two game suspension for Raging Bull Ray.  Lesson for the players – don’t do steroids, take free stuff in college or celebrate after a score.  Drink and plow into a pedestrian, beat up a girl, be involved in a stabbing?  You’re good, as long as there’s no tape.  It’s worked for Jim Brown.  He’s smacked around more ladies than a New Orleans pimp, yet he’s just now doing a little vacation in jail.

    Part of the problem is the social media aftershocks from a 24 hour news cycle.  Everyone is rage pissed, but in reality if you are the NFL commissioner, just hold your breath.  Someone will do something soon and get you off the hook.  The Atlanta Hawks owner said some racist things, but NBA owners being racist is soooo June 2014.  We need something new to be pissed about!  Seriously though, NFL, 2 games for assaulting a woman is pathetic.  You could have saved a lot of face with a real penalty, like the local prosecutor issued.  Oh wait…

  • What I learned from my wine tasting

    Posted by on September 8, 2014

    I don’t really drink wine.  I have drank wine, usually when the beer runs out at a party and someone carelessly left their box of Franzia unguarded.  As wedding duty calls, though, we have to pick a wine and decided to have a tasting with some of my fiancee’s pals that drink it.  Here’s what I found out.

    1) You’re supposed to buy cheese to eat.  I got online to see what kinds go with what and in typical snooty wine drinker fashion, most of the websites couldn’t give a straight answer.  It was more like “Pick a double creme cheese that matches the aromatic vibe of the wine” or “The deep earthy flavor is best matched with a sharp, bold cheese.”  In other words, now the snobs were mocking my lack of cheese knowledge too.  I dug deeper and found one chart that told me what to get.  FYI – cheese is more expensive than gold per ounce.  Holy hell, I assumed from the price that the stuff was wrapped in lottery tickets.

    2) I thought there were a lot of beers out there, especially now that there is a brewery in every zip code.  There were about 300 wines in each section.  Some are $6, others are $60 per bottle, some were more but I was afraid to touch them.  This is going to take a while.  Remind me to open a cheese and wine store in the future.  I think I could retire in four months with $60 wines going off the shelf.

    3) I still don’t prefer wine, but I’ll give it one advantage.  I tasted wines for hours before I remotely had to pee.  If I drink beer, I have to make water every 14 minutes.  In fairness, beer doesn’t make it look like my gums are bleeding. Well, unless I drink too much and someone punches me in the mouth.

    All in all, it went well enough and I like wine more than I thought.  Don’t count on seeing me at my next comedy show with a nice Cab, swirling and sniffing with each drink.  “This?  I never thought you’d ask.  This is a lovely Bud Light.  It’s a American lager, with a clean, crisp finish.”

  • Fashion, my specialty

    Posted by on September 5, 2014

    I was sad to hear of Joan Rivers’ passing – very talented and able to be funny in diverse fields of comedy, plus most importantly, she seemed to not give a damn about anyone being upset.  Rather than blog about career highlights for her like this is wikipedia, I thought I would list the top five worst fashion trends of my lifetime, since most people know she thrived bashing style choices.

    5) This new jean shorts pulled up to the boobs trend.  Sorry, I don’t get it.  Short shorts are nice, but trying to be sexy and encouraging camel toe while looking Urkel-esque is for the birds, if birds wore pants.

    4) Designer sweatpants.  Just because your ass has “Pink” or “Sexy” stamped on it, you’re still wearing sweatpants in public.  I saw a lady wearing sweatpants to work a couple weeks ago.  You might as well wear a trash bag around your waist and throw cats at passersby.

    golddig

    3) It wouldn’t be fair unless I implicated myself.  In college, men wearing rings was pretty popular, so I got a bead necklace and wore at least three rings, including a huge silver and onyx eagle ring.  I looked like a white wannabe pimp with a drinking problem.

    2) Tight rolled jeans.  Some called them french rolled, some tight rolled – it was when you folded your jeans over and rolled the bottom, exposing your white socks or white legs and giving a nice tapered look that exactly no one should have on pants ever.  If you did it with stonewashed jeans, you probably should have had stones tossed at you by children.

    1) The explosion of bangs.  This was really a bizarre hairstyle that was big in the late eighties.  Basically, women would tease their bangs like they got electrocuted, then douse the affected hair with Aqua Net so that Paul Bunyan couldn’t part their hair with an axe.

    bangs

    This poor soul probably spent 40 minutes making herself look like this.  There should be a public big bangs picture burning in town squares across America for these.

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