The new Facebook trend is taking quizzes. Still not up at the level of pictures or kids or bad customer service experiences or restaurant check-ins, but it’s up there. I found out, for example, if I was on Game of Thrones, I’d be Jon Snow. I guess that means I’m a bastard who wears black and is pretty handy with a blade. In reality, I’m a dickhead who wears black and is pretty handy with a blade in video games. Not too far off.
I also learned if I was an Avenger, I’d be Captain America. Probably not so accurate, since I drink like Iron Man, have a temper like the Hulk and my comedy is as well liked as Ant-Man. Who’s Ant-Man? Exactly. I saw a Walking Dead one, but I didn’t take it because I wouldn’t be like anyone on the show. For one, I would actually spend my whole life looking for Dinty Moore beef stew. That stuff is awesome. Second, I get a place WITH A TOP FLOOR AND BARRICADE THE STAIRS. Had to get that off my chest. No one blocks off the damn stairs. Lastly, has anyone thought to get a silencer and look into how to make their own ammo? Just a thought. Of course, I would probably not survive once the booze ran out, by choice. ”Let’s band together, everyone and fight to survive.” ”We’re out of Beam.” ”Well, I’m running headfirst into a herd. Nice knowing everyone.”
One of my pals asked me a lot of questions about doing comedy recently, which made me realize before I started, I had no idea what was going on with comedy either. So I thought I would recap a recent show.
I had a show outside of Pittsburgh, so I left in plenty of time. My iPod was charged and since I could barely swallow, I was drinking Chloraseptic and eating Halls, so my mouth had a nice dry, medicine shit taste. All was good until my GPS started shooting rum and sent my into a neighborhood that looked like the town in Deer Hunter, but less modern. I hit a pothole so hard, I think I got myself pregnant. Finally, I pulled over to piss and get gas. The gas station had no bathroom. I got gas. I drove one mile down the road – the next gas station was .15 cents per gallon cheaper and had a bathroom.
I got the show, good room, good crowd. I met the other comics. You can always pick out the other comics. They are usually drinking in a corner, either coffee or draft beer because it’s cheap, surrounded by notebooks and with an old dirty gym bag full of shirts. The crowd was cool, but it was mentioned I was from Ohio, so a guy kept yelling “O H I O!” Not just O H, but the whole thing. After about four of those, I told him it wasn’t Ohio, it was just him. He didn’t stop.
There was no hotel, so I had to scoot back to O H I O. I made it halfway and the menthol from cough drops was cracking my throat, plus I was nearly drowning in my own urine, so I stopped at a rest stop. I put $1.05 in the vending machine, then it ate my quarter. I hit the coin return and it ate all my change. I went back to the car and didn’t have enough change for a snack and a drink, so I was pissed. So pissed, I almost didn’t notice the 50 year old man in the corner with the tinted glasses and clip on tie staring at me. I then realized he had been in the restroom also. Sorry, you’re not my type, Milton from Office Space.
That was my night. Most shows are like that, only more booze and bullshit. I am usually full of both of those at any time anyways, so it works for me.
The new trend in fitness appears to be obstacle course 5K’s. I know, I have done a few. Warrior this, Hell that, Survival whatever, Armageddon blah…basically they encourage fitness stars and out of shape beer guzzlers like me to give it a go and have a good ol’ time. Here’s what you need to know about this new trend.
1) Trust me. You are NOT in the worst shape of the participants. They charge $40 plus to get in. They’ll let the “My 600 lb. Life” cast in these things. Just sign the waiver for the lawyers!
2) Obstacle can mean walking across a ten foot board. It can also mean carrying a frozen ass 50 lb. sandbag 200 yards. It’s like a kindergarten teacher and sado-masochist planned the race.
3) Celebrities abound. First one, I saw Tone Loc. Last one, Arnold Schwarzenegger. I keep this up, I may run into someone really famous like Richard Simmons or the juice guy with the weird eyebrows (is he still alive?)
4) I bitched that they didn’t show the results after my last race. Then I saw my results. No thanks, information society.
I preface this blog by saying I enjoy comedy. I love when people come to my shows or ask about what I do. If you do something long enough, it’s nuts how many times you get asked the same questions. That’s the not fun part.
“Who’s the most famous person you’ve worked with?” The answer is Pauly Shore. Before this, I had to do that “Did you ever see ____? He was the guy in that one scene, oh never mind.” Plus stand-up comics don’t generally star in a lot of movies. If they do, they tend to not do stand-up anymore since they’re rolling in piles of Hollywood cash. Sell outs. (Please God, let me be a sell out and roll in a pile of cash)
“When are you coming to (my town)?” This is usually asked by someone you just know wouldn’t come to your show if it was in their garage. The answer? When someone pays me. This depends upon my talent, which is minimal. It also depends on someone paying me, which means I have to have a booker or connection in said town. Then it has to be on a night when you’ll be there. How about this arrangement – you pay me, I’ll be there. Everyone wins. Clean your garage.
This one is my favorite one. Person with smartphone, on website or Facebook, looking at my show. ”What time does it start? When I should I get there? What food do they serve? How’s parking? Should I buy tickets early? Do they have chairs? Do their toilets flush? If I was a salad dressing, would you reference me in your act? Do you make fun of the color green? I wear green a lot.” Holy shit. Umm. The show’s cancelled. Sorry. This is too much work.
Lastly, I’ve got this a few times. ”Have you ever worked with…he was at a show we saw in Junction City…white guy? I think Ron? Maybe Don? He was funny. Ever work with him? He had a blue shirt on. Maybe 1993 when we saw him? Or was it 1999? He did a joke about soda. Or was it relationships?” I usually just say, “OH YEAH! HE’S GREAT!” Then I try to parlay that pleasant memory against them to sell my stupid merchandise.
I had a bachelor party this past weekend. I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it, I had a random headache so bad that morning I vomited, which usually happens during the bachelor party, not nine hours before. Good times ensued, but the true hilarity was after most of us went down for the count.
The bachelor himself wandered back into the casino, and in his stupor saw a very minor celebrity, the former WWE wrestler Virgil (The Million Dollar Man’s Butler). ”I know you!” Virgil scowled and said, “You think all black people look alike?” ”I know you!” Realizing he was cornered by drunk wrestling fan who didn’t fall for his racism accusation, Virgil finally admitted his identity and gave a picture to my buddy…for $20. Not with him, rather, of him from 25 years ago…for $20.
There are a couple things that went through my head. One, I can’t believe he paid for it. Two, I can’t believe Virgil only hit him up for $20. At four AM, he probably could have stuck him for $50. At least he personalized the pic by writing “Be Cool.” Memories that will never fade.
If you drink a Coke or eat yogurt, you can win a Gold medal. It’s science. Or pathetic marketing. I know you drink enough whiskey and Coke, you can win medals in your head. I won the coolest guy in the bar medal drinking that in a bar in 2004. It was revoked when I was tossed from the bar.
If you’re a good looking person, your silver or bronze means more to the media than some uggers’ gold medal. Take that, you monster, I’m still pretty!
I was watching the men’s figure skating highlights and thought the Japanese gold medalist was a woman. Then I saw Johnny Weir’s sequined headband and low cut shirt and had no idea what gender anyone was.
The U.S. should have lost the hockey game vs. Russia, if not for a technicality with the net. I felt no remorse. Take that, commies! Or former commies! Now if only we could make up for the 243 medals they screwed us out of before that moment, we would be even.
If I hear another announcer talking about athletes “fighting” and “struggling” I may vomit. How about they’re just out there doing what they trained for 10 years to do? Too boring? We need more childhood drama stories, people are turning the channel! Throw in a story about a stubbed toe at age seven, quickly!
I still don’t understand 72% of these sports, but I’m sure I could do curling. It’s like shuffleboard made by potheads. Maybe I can’t do any winter sports…it’s just the mountains on my Busch Light can lying to me again.