• Why I could never be a middle school teacher

    Posted by on July 15, 2019

    I went to a cookout this past weekend and my daughter is very social, unlike her father.  She ran out to a group of kids, so I followed her over.  An eleven year old boy stepped towards me.  “I WANT YOU TO BRING FIREWORKS NEXT YEAR!”  I have no idea who this kid is.  “Um, I don’t have any fireworks.”  He was unphased, “WELL BUY SOME, DUH!”

    Now, my first carnal instinct is there situations is to attack.  Insults bubbled up, but were suppressed, a testament to my inner growth from becoming a father or something profound like that, I guess.  I went safe.  “I don’t have any money, these kids take it all.”  He then looked at me, “WELL MY ADVICE IS DON’T HAVE KIDS.”  Bold little bastard, this one.  Should have given his parents that advice in 2007, sounds like.  “Too late for that, ya think?”  He then stared at me and ran off to kick a soccer ball.  I felt like all the insults I swallowed would then come out of me like a swarm from John Coffey’s mouth on the Green Mile.  Time for a beer.

    “Must…resist…insulting…preteen”

  • Ranking the months

    Posted by on July 12, 2019

    It’s 5000 degrees right now and Independence Day is over, so July sucks hard.  What are the best and worst months, no one asks?  Well, I’m happy to answer for you, from worst to best.  This is Midwest rankings, btw.  I can’t speak for Arizona or some ungodly place like Florida with their foot long mosquitoes and 100 degrees in October bullshit.

    February – If this month was 30 days like all the others, we would put this month in the electric chair.  It’s at the end of winter, Valentine’s Day is the most depressing holiday for half the country, and even someone with a Marie Osmond personality has had enough with the failed resolutions and garbage weather.

    January – Same thing as February, just closer to New Year’s and Christmas, plus you probably have cool new stuff to help with the BS…for a few weeks.  All your bills from the Christmas rush are due, so good luck.

    July – NOW it’s hot.  You thought a few days in June sucked.  I use Gold Bond powder to walk to the mailbox.  Once July 4 passes, there’s nothing to look forward to, sports are awful this time of year, and bugs have invaded.  Fruit flies, ants, mosquitoes and flies plus sweat and BO.  Go away, July.

    August – Like July, but with back to school – boo.  Only the fact football starts back up and there’s hope for normal weather on the horizon give this hope.  No holidays at ALL.  Someone cool born in August do something great and I may bump this month up.

    March – March is filled with hope…until it snows again and you curse it up and down.  It’s warmer!  Two days later six inches of snow cover everything.

    April – April stinks and it rains every day.  There’s mud as far as the eye can see, but at least it’s better than March.  Maybe Easter, maybe not.

    June – June is cool, usually, but knowing 90% humidity is a month away dampens this month a bit.  Plus bugs start showing up and if you haven’t figured it out, I hate bugs.  And sweat.  And talking to strangers, but that has nothing to do with June.

    November – Not my favorite month, but it has a major holiday where you only have to eat a lot on a Thursday where I then get the Friday off work also.  So November is a huge overachiever.  Also Veteran’s Day, plus election time means no more political ads.

    September – Solid month – starts with a three day weekend for Labor Day, college and pro football off and running, temperature goes from balls to stuck to leg hot to Holy hell I’m not instantly drenched every time I sit down in my car.

    May – Best month in that it finally quits freaking raining, it’s warm out but not hot, the massive clouds of death mosquitoes haven’t fully hatched and you can actually go outside (if you’re the type of sicko that likes to be outside and away from a TV or video game system).  Sun doesn’t actually go down at six PM.  First three day weekend of the year with Memorial Day.

    December – Christmas.  My birthday (which I used to like before I got old).  Everyone mostly in good mood.  Cold but not stupid depressingly so.  OK, let’s face it – Christmas pretty much saves this month.  That and all bugs are dead or hibernating or back in hell where they belong.

    Winner – October.  Mild temperatures.  Football in full swing.  Best time for nature.  Halloween is my favorite holiday other than Christmas.  Best time for fire parties.  Pumpkin everything for the white girls (if you shove a pumpkin beer in my hand, I will slap the shit out of you).

  • Stuff no one told me before I had kids

    Posted by on July 8, 2019

    My daughter can argue with a rock that it’s not a rock for an hour.  We can let her pick out her shirt, pants, hairstyle and socks, but if the shoes are wrong, it’s go time.  WHY IS OUR KID JUST LIKE US?

    My son poops about 26 times an hour.  His latest fun game is wake up, somewhere between 1:30 and 4 and have to play so he can drop a deuce.  Doesn’t sleep in any later on the weekends though!

    No one told me I would talk about poop and pee this much.  Sure, I was given a general indication, but poop and pee and potty is about 40% of the talk these days.

    My daughter ate everything under the sun, then the magnetic poles tweaked or some meteor passed too close to the Earth and now it’s ham, chicken nuggets and ice cream.

    My son will literally grab and destroy, throw or at the least mess with everything.  He tried to break the microwave, pulls pots and pans out, picks up glasses of water you set down for 12 seconds, throws credit cards anywhere and even invented a cool game called toss stuff in the trash or toilet.

    I thought I would be one of those “we don’t watch TV in this house” parents for about a week, then I realized an iPad in a kid’s hand is the only way you’re getting anything done.

    Whomever said the twos were terrible must have sold their kids to the circus when they turned three.

  • I think I got ripped off

    Posted by on July 2, 2019

    On day 2 of my mini-vacation to Vegas, my wife went to do work stuff while I really lived it up.  I took my fat self into the gym, where there were treadmills I couldn’t figure out, which is a pretty good analogy for my fitness level currently.  After the workout, I stopped by one of the hotel stores to get deodorant.  I hadn’t flown in a bit, and I only check a bag when you put a gun to my head, so I realized that morning I was out of deodorant.  Being 101 degrees out, I thought this may be important.

    I found that this particular store had zero men’s deodorant, so I ended up playing eeny meeny meiny mo (how the hell do you spell that?) and going with women’s Secret.  Strong enough for him, still smells like grandma.  I also grabbed a water and approached the register.  “$15.83.”  Excuse me, I thought you said almost $16 for travel size women’s deodorant.  Oh, you did.  I bought it because there was a long line and taking a $12 Uber to get cheaper toiletries seems wasteful.  Of course, upon returning to the room, I could have just used my wife’s deodorant and saved like $46 or whatever this magic pit salve cost me.

    I really showed them though, when I won $18 dollars playing blackjack (which my wife lost by hitting the max bet button on the video blackjack).  I think it’s time to return to Ohio.

  • VACATION IN VEGAS, BABY! (I slept 12 hours)

    Posted by on June 26, 2019

    My wife had a work conference, so I just had to buy a plane ticket to go to Vegas.  How awesome is that?  Of course, for the amount things she wanted to clean, I needed a vacation from my upcoming vacation.  WOMEN LOVE DEEP CLEANING EVERYTHING BEFORE THEY LEAVE THE HOUSE FOR MORE THAN SIX HOURS.  We got on the plane at 5 am, which meant we had to wake up at 3 am, yaaaaayyyyyy!  The flight wasn’t bad, but we boarded late, so we had to sit across from one another in the aisle.  We rented Aquaman and every time someone had to wee wee or get a drink, we had to pull the earbuds out and pause the movie.  That happened about, oh, sixty times, but since it was Aquaman, I didn’t really miss anything other than horrible one liners.  Seriously, Aquaman, enough with the cornball one liners.  Stop it.

    We arrived and realized we were so damn early, we couldn’t check in.  The bar wasn’t open and our luggage was already checked in.  Then I realized how exhausted we were.  This is what we get for getting the cheap early flight.  I found a blackjack machine and well, I hate to brag, but I got up $36.80.  I’m basically getting tossed out of Vegas – I have broken them, everyone.

    Mercifully, we were able to check in and I took my piles of cash back to the room.  I pulled up the mini bar menu on our TV and saw this:

    $18 water? Better drink out of the toilet first.

    They charge for coffee?  Romance kit $50…it’s some rubbers and a French tickler.  I could snag those at a Flying J truck stop bathroom for $3.50.  Luckily, I found out I can get a beer for $20 in the blackjack machine, so my day is planned.  Just kidding, I fell asleep after eating Panda Express for 12 hours and it was GLORIOUS.  I’m going to need someone to take my children once a week from now on.

  • “Why are you so angry?”

    Posted by on June 19, 2019

    Recent business trip: case study in why I am angry about 33% of the time I’m awake.  Spoiler alert: it’s other people.

    Gets in car after last call, went well.  Turns out I planned stops PERFECTLY and I’m 1.4 miles from hotel.  HELL YES.  Hits map button…30 minutes.  Looks up at light, endless ocean of cars.  Sigh.

    Gets to hotel.  It’s Tuesday, should be good to go.  Six people in lobby.  One is screaming he prepaid, not understanding how authorizations work.  Two fat sleeveless types sitting by counter in line.  Everyone goes, two other WT’s walk in and hot damn, walk right in front of me.  AW NAW YOU DITINT!  Turns out they did.  Two billies are waiting for someone with a real credit card to come by and pay for room.  Two other billies acknowledge they cut, but yet don’t give me access to check in.  Two ‘riginal billies then tell me loudly how galdurn Rita ditint call in the right card.  I debate setting fire to hotel, but have to poop.  Grab phone and totally ignore ‘riginil billies.  Get checked in.  Almost.

    Hotel guy – “Do you want to use this card?  (Showing me card I totally just handed him).”  Me – YAS.  HG – “You reserved room with card blah.”  Me – YAS!  HG – “So what card?”  Me – DAT WON RITE DERE.  HG – “Are you sure?”  Me – RUN THAT CARD FOR FUCK’S SAKE!  HG – Here’s your room key, have a nice day!  Me – DIE ERERYWON

    Gets to room, feels like this guy needs to run an errand while I sit in this cave and die slowly of boredom.  “Hey, how’s about I grab some travel booze for my wife and I’s trip, coming soon!”  Punches up GPS, booze store is 0.3 miles away!  WIN!  Phone has me turn aaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnddddddd I’m on a turnpike!  Turns out the booze store is right behind the grocery!  NO HIGHWAY NEEDED BUT NOW I’M BARRELING DOWN A PAY ROAD AND THE NEXT EXIT IS 15 MILES AWAY, MEANING 30 MILES ROUND TRIP.  THANKS APPLE GPS MAP THING.  (Side note, who puts a shopping plaza directly behind another shopping plaza?)  The one shining light was there was no pay booth open, so I was able to Sunday drive for free, you know, other than the half hour and 30 miles of gas.

    Side note: at this point, I was too tired to murder, so everyone is OK, but tomorrow is another day!

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