Tales from the Crypt (I had a birthday)

Well, I am now old as proverbial shit. I don’t know how old shit is, depends on who shit it and when, I guess. Great, now I’m a philosopher. Let’s start over. Now that I’m old(er), here’s some wisdom for you animals.

Did you young people ever hear of water? I sure didn’t until I was like 33. DRINK IT. LOVE IT. And if someone calls you a wimp, you get your water drinking self up early and call them 44 times at 6 am and see if they think you’re a big huge yellowbelly then.

Your body will change. Buckle up. My feet at somewhere around 39 just decided to turn into horse hooves in the winter. I have more dead skin on my feet by Christmas than the Great Pyramid has bricks. I pulled AT LEAST fifty white stray hairs out of my beard and head since last Monday and I look like I stuck my finger in a socket. WHY DO THEY STICK STRAIGHT OUT? My eyesight has been gone since at least George W.’s second term and I crack and click like bubble wrap in an elephant pen at the zoo every time I stand up, roll over and pretty much move at this point. I hurt my shoulder REACHING FOR AIR playing with my kids and my left shoulder is just changed forever now. It pops now and as fun as that sounds, it’s not.

At least my acne went away…ope! No, it’s still there. Thanks, DNA!

At least I have my hair still. (Furiously rubs Rogaine foam onto crown.)

At least I can grow a beard at my age (Furiously plucks black hairs from upper cheek, just below eyes. Finds random jet black or stark white hairs in ear, on ear, coming from nose, on neck, in middle of ribcage).

At least I’m wider, I mean wiser now. (Calls dog my daughter’s name. Yells at cat using son’s name. Calls mailman my grandma’s name. Sits down and cries, forgets why I’m crying.)

It’s not all bad. I actually lost weight in the last year. I lost all desire to do stand-up and found my stress dropped tremendously. I finally completely embraced the fact I hate all new music and will listen to Pantera and Iron Maiden for the rest of my days and don’t care if you have a problem with that. That said, let’s drive a stake in 2020 and get ready to complain about a new year!