Year: 2012

Comedy itineraries are among the most varied things about doing comedy.  I’ll get one that is super professional with the radio info for the headliner, contact names (sometimes as many as three) and even useful info like where to park or what time zone is involved, which helps tremendously.  Then there are the other 75% of them.

Over the years, I have been sent to the wrong hotel on a few occasions, on even more I had no reservation.  This summer I drove from Ohio to Georgia and the venue forgot to 1) save a room for me on Labor Day weekend and 2) forgot to promote the show, so 12 people showed up…counting me and the other two comics…and my Dad…and the staff.  I have been given the wrong time on multiple shows and had at least a half dozen shows cancel the week of the event.

The worst faux pas ever was when I got to emcee a show in Pennsylvania.  Upon returning to the hotel after midnight, the lady tried to save money for the show by putting me and two guys who had never met before in the same hotel room.  The headliner blew a gasket and made us get another room (he did chip in on it).  The awkwardness of staring at a the drunk feature act and a raging headliner, both in their 40’s, at a Knights Inn in a town of 7,000 people as we all mentally played the “Who’s getting the cot?” game is a feeling I can’t accurately describe other than to say it sucked very hard.  Oh well, I’m sure nothing will go wrong this weekend!

I know it may surprise some of you, but I had a couple moments in my life where I didn’t have this rock hard body that women swoon and pant over like now.  Apparently, at 24, I didn’t realize eating leftover General Tso’s and Taco Bell at 3 am after 14 beers was a bad idea.  Now I know, and here’s some tips to help!

1) Drinking is all empty calories.  We all know that no right thinking American can quit drinking.  Did George Washington quit fighting the redcoats?  No!  Simple solution – don’t eat!  Plus it saves a lot on food bills.  Can you say more drinking money?

2) Workout.  It was hard for me in my portly days of being 218 lbs., even though clearly it was mostly solid muscle.  When I didn’t want to work out, I just thought one simple thought: I am a piece of garbage – I need to look good or women’s instincts will kick in fully.  I can at least confuse them with a decent build before I repulse them completely.  Get on the treadmill, creep!  Plus when you’re out of shape, working out makes you puke, which is good also.

3) Ex-Lax.  If not readily available, hot sauce and Busch Light will do the trick over time.

Well, I hope this helps you shed those unwanted lbs.  See you at the bar/gym/bathroom!

Well, not really, but I had another birthday and they are starting to get annoying.  Example – I got a nose hair trimmer and was excited about it.  Sigh.  That’s a bad sign.  I ate too much, which you’re supposed to do on your birthday, but that means another hour of running to make up for it.  I drank too much, which means I need a nap even though I slept in.  Not to mention I stayed in and played video games one night last weekend…well, that’s not age, that’s my aversion to interacting with people.

That said, please send presents.  I won’t be offended if they are late, I know you’re all busy.  Cash, booze, and cash are my top three favorite, in case you were wondering.  I do comedy – you could send me a ziploc bag full of pennies and I would be impressed.

Most of us jokesters are quite disturbed.  I have worked with one that told me was certified insane and I didn’t doubt it.  Decades of drug use will do that, I’ve heard.  The winner was an older gentleman who went by the moniker “No Money Down Productions presents Still Gettin’ Paid.”

He came to the open mike, where they have a workshop pre-show.  This is a chance for the management to make sure someone’s not going to whip it out or go on a racial cleansing tirade and they needed it this night.  He looked like Flava Flav, but rougher.  He also had eyeglasses with the fake cardboard eye inserts and his head was shaved bald…except a tuft of hair in the shape of a question mark.  He was called upon to present his act and the fun began.

Instead of addressing the surly group of comics (about 15 of us) from the stage, he ran across the length of the room to the back corner and proceeded to do his own intro by screaming.  Most of it was indecipherable, but he basically called the group a bunch of bitches and n words for about a minute before running to the mike.  He then said, “Y’all a bunch of amateurs.  I’m a pro!  I do this in my basement!”  Sadly, he wasn’t being ironic.  The voices in his head applauded, just like in his basement of lunacy.

He never actually did any material, but he continued to berate all of us comics until finally he was asked by management if he forgot his pills.  “Yes, I quit taking that shit.  It was hurting my flow.”  Well, he was escorted out by security and I never saw him again.  My pal Dan told me he has been around for about 15 years or so and once pulled out a squirt gun from a chest of props and hosed down the front row.  It appears he comes out about every five years.  Don’t worry, people.  You’re safe for another 3.5 years.

I fell asleep early last night, so this is all I have today.

#3 – A black lady doing blackface.  She dressed up like Aunt Jemima and read dirty nursery rhymes like Andrew Dice Clay in 1990.  A black employee came out from the back and told her how offensive it was and they argued for several uncomfortable minutes.  (FYI – I stayed out of the argument)

#2 – A middle aged crazy white trash lady dressed up like Raggedy Ann (see the trend?  Outfits = nuts).  Her, and her not too happy friend who was dressed like a huge whoopie cushion, danced onstage in tribute to Michael Jackson, who had just died.  The only hiccup?  She was playing “Caribbean Queen” by Billy Ocean, who is not Michael Jackson at all.

Stay tuned tomorrow for #1!

Here’s some tips, in case you are too stupid to talk on the phone!

1) If you are constantly putting down the phone, only to scream into my ear to get your husband or wife’s opinion for everything, just give them the damn phone.  You’re the dumb one, the other one is the decision maker – let’s get this charade over with.

2) If you ask me a question, then start talking over me immediately the call always seems to drop!  Amazing coincidence!  Actually, it’s not.  I hung up on you and will do that again gladly.

3) Text me while I drive = get no response.  It’s now illegal, I’m farsighted and as an added bonus, I don’t like t-boning school buses just to fire off an “LOL!”

4) Finally, we get it, your phone is sweet.  It checks out the internet, email, facebook and texts…just like everyone in America under 45 years old.  You’re special.  Tell me more about how smart your kids are while we’re at it!