Month: October 2012

Horror movies are usually terrible and then followed by an even worse sequel.  How many damn times can Jason come back?  Space, hell…he could even come back from inner city Youngstown at this point.  OK, that was extreme.  He’s not that indestructible.  So, here’s my idea.  There’s a comedian who murders hecklers after shows.  It’s called, “What Chris Coen wants to do hecklers in real life.”  OK, not too catchy.  How about “You’ll die laughing” or “Everyone killed in this movie is a drunk redneck.”  (That’s who heckles).

How to watch – viewing tips!

If you’re on one side of the spectrum, hope your candidate doesn’t make an ass out of themselves or say something stupid.  Mondale in 1984 said he was raising taxes.  He lost 49 states.  Oops!  Reagan could’ve ate jellybeans and just done the Degeneration X crotch chop and he would’ve won at that point.

Look cool and collect – i.e. Be a good bullshit artist!  Nixon probably would’ve beat Kennedy in 1960, but he was a sweaty, jittery bastard and Kennedy was laying on the charm like he was wooing Marilyn Monroe at the debate.  Don’t worry though, we got Nixon later and he worked out great!  (That’s called sarcasm.)

Have good hair.  America loves old guys with hair.  Never mind they may be pieces of shit, have your hair.  Or get plugs like Biden.  That guy is a walking punch line, but he has fake hair plugs and people still listen to him.

Better yet, be completely neutral.  Every politician’s most coveted voter!  Then you can be swayed by the lies and have at least one third of the country blame you when we get a shitty president.  Excuse me while I order my “Don’t blame me, I voted for fill in the blank” bumper sticker.

I decided to paint my condo this weekend.  Sounds easy enough, I thought.  It would have been easy, if I wasn’t more or less a caveman.  I went to buy paint and realized there were 523 whites.  Why are white colors in red/yellow/blue color coded sections?  Whatever – I’ll go with this one…of course there’s then satin, semi-gloss, high gloss, and flat, some marked enamel, some marked exterior.  God this sucks, where’s the paint person?  NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.  After 15 minutes of feeling (even more) stupid, I grabbed some crap and left.

My girlfriend showed up and proceeded to point out I picked Ultra Pure White, which would have made my place look like a medical lab or Superman’s Fortress of Solitude.  I took it back and then was told the color codes are the blends that go in the white to make one of the four million other shades of white.   This is too complicated.  Maybe I should just paint everything black so it doesn’t matter and start hanging out with goth weirdos who like that look.  That sounds better.

I walked into the studio and realized no normal human being was working this early.  Thankfully, they had coffee that was so strong I’m surprised I didn’t shit my pants smelling it.  Arch, Elliot, Dan and Kristie were great and we got rolling right off the bat.  The second my baritone man voice said hello and good morning, the crew reacted with some “Holy Shit” type reflexes.  “Well, I actually went through puberty 14 times.”  Laughs all around!  Success…then a break.  I like the format, don’t give me enough time to bury myself with horrible one-liners.

We had some nice back and forths in the segments and I actually got to do almost three minutes of stand-up live.  This is where it was a little different…  First off, I have never done a comedy show in the AM, let alone on a Wednesday.  Plus the “crowd” was the staff, which was weird at first, until I realized there were thousands listening…and I have actually done a paid show for four people.  That show almost made me quit comedy, but moving on.  The hardest part was the fixed mike and headphones.  I move around a bit, but I never use a mike stand and the headphones made me feel restricted.  I might as well have worn a thong.

That said, it was fun and I felt so much more comfortable than being on TV.  It’s hard to look this good and be filmed, knowing what I’m doing to women everywhere.  I like radio more.  Actually, the real reason is on radio no one could see the bags under my eyes from my “pal” Jim Beam.  I will post the link as soon as they put it up and thanks to the staff and my buddy Dan for the recommendation.  Just one minor complaint.  My website is chriscoencomedy.com, not chriscoen.com.  Some dick in Oklahoma bought that URL.  Thanks dickface in Oklahoma, I hope we meet in a Chris Coen deathmatch someday.  There can be only one Chris Coen!

I was asked to guest on a new spot on QFM 96.3 in Columbus this week.  I was pretty happy to do it for the press and because all comics are media whores.  Or just whores, but I digress.  I actually had a little reservation due to the fact the show had me doing 2-3 minutes live.  I am not exactly a church comic, but no problem.  I got up at 5:30ish and went over.

The problem was that the road had two names and the actual building was one of those corporate centers where five of the places look exactly the same.  I was due on air at 7:15 am and at 7 I was screaming curse words driving like a maniac over what seemed like 2 foot speed bumps looking for the place.  I found it and the door was locked.  If I had any trouble being awake, that was over.  Thankfully, I had the phone number and they let me in.

My brain was racing with these words…don’t curse…don’t curse…don’t curse…I should’ve pooped…don’t curse…  I walked in and ta-da!  Radio show is live.  (More tomorrow, I had an open mike last night and am exhausted.  Stay tuned.)

In honor of my radio appearance today, I harken back to a simpler time when I was an unknown DJ instead of this unknown comedian.  I signed up for a class in college and to complete the one single useless credit, I got to DJ a three hour show.  It would have been four, but they pre-empted “51%” over my first hour.  It’s a show about women’s issues on NPR aka politically correct version of stuff I know nothing about.  Great!

I then was told my format was “Adult Album Alternative.”  I didn’t know what that meant, but basically not only crappy college music (colleges got free shitty CD’s to sample/use as beer coasters), but easy listening also.  With “51%” and easy listening, I might as well have called my time the Vagina Boy Hour, starring Chris Coen.  Needless to say, I had issues with the professor.  I played one GNR song and he gave me a warning.  That song?  The thrash metal axe-grinder “Don’t Cry.”

Well, I got back at them.  If my show is going to suck, I thought…it’s really going to suck.  I found a Native American crooner that did all songs about animals with titles like, “My Brother the Eagle” and “The Majestic Wolf.”  He would sing, then an eagle would cry.  Next song he sang, then a wolf howled.  I played that garbage on repeat, then read “fun” facts to close out the show, like when the National Cow Chip Tossing Championship was being held and where.  The semester ended and I never DJ’d again.  But somewhere in New Concord, Ohio, someone has that damn animal CD replaying in their nightmares.  Thanks for listening to our show.  Stay safe, and Vagina Boy thanks you for listening.  ARROOOOOOOOOO!!!!!