Month: October 2012

I had a pretty boring Friday, but Saturday made up for it.  My pals went to a bar running a promotion – $3 cover and everything basic (shots, beer, mixed drinks) was $1.  It was a zoo.  I thought it was interesting when the college students in front of me heard about the $3 cover and left.  I wanted to shake them and slap one of them in face – “Did you hear about the shots?  They’re $1!”

One of my crew pulled a ninja move and wandered off before the first half of the game was even over.  He may be dead or getting spooned by a homeless man as I type this.  I hope for his sake, he’s dead.  After watching an entire bar shoot down $1 whiskey shots and God knows what else, I then sat back and watched the destruction.  I saw a few pass-outs, but my favorite was a chick spraying down the patio with vomit.  A guy, clearly trying his damnedest to get in her pants, held her hair and tried to kiss her right after.  (He wasn’t sober either, FYI)  College party!  Now I remember why I drink at home most of the time.

Side note – Columbus, be sure to check out my appearance on QFM 96.3 around 7:15 am Wednesday morning until around 8 am.  My debut and probably final appearance, but radio nonetheless!

Season 3 kicked off Sunday for the Walking Dead.  For the seven people that don’t know, it’s a show where a virus turns people into flesh eating zombies and the 5-10% of survivors run around in a post-apocalyptic hell…like Detroit, but with less crime and slightly more walking dead.

I love the show, but they really screw some things up.  First off, apparently in the future, no one has ever heard of a WALL.  More zombies spill into their living areas than I can count.  BUILD A FREAKING WALL.  Second, spears anyone?  Given the choice of a foot long hammer or a modified spear, I’ll take the weapon that puts me a body length away from a corpse trying to devour my flesh.  Finally, the undead sneak up on this group about every 17 minutes.  Do shuffling, groaning groups of zombies really move that quietly, especially when they’re rolling 27 deep?  Come on, people.

That feels better.  Now I can enjoy the show again.  Well, almost.  Can some walker please finish off Carl?  Please?  That kid is going to be 22 years old if this keeps going and he puts the group in more danger than tossing a bucket of chum on top of sea divers.  Back to the show.

– If you base your vote off the VP debate only, you are a moron.  I’m a history buff and I can’t name five VP’s that did anything other than wave next to the president at campaign rallies during their terms.

– I give my dog bones when he gets on my nerves and he goes away.  If someone invents a human “bone”, I will tattoo their name on my chest.

– If someone calls me chief and they’re not being sarcastic, my butthole clinches up instantly.

– I love dogs.  Just probably not your dog.  He jumped on me and slobbered on my shirt.  “He never does that!” doesn’t work when he just did that.  Your dog sucks and so do you.

– I picked up twelve shows in the last 10 days in four states.  I sense a traffic ticket in my near future…  Thanks for nothing in advance, karma!

Sometimes, even with smartphones, we get too busy to check emails and of course, miss important Facebook updates.  If you’re in that situation, have no fear – here’s what you missed!

– Kid updates.  For every friend you have with a child, you will get a minimum of one update every two days.  This is usually funny and/or heartwarming, but I know at least four people on my friend list who I am convinced aren’t raising their kids.  They’re just following them around taking pictures to put on FB.  “Jenny’s seven now!  She could read, but I was too busy posting pictures of her cake to teach her how!”

– Political rants.  Take whatever ideology you hate the most, and that’s the post you missed.  Don’t worry, there’s 17 more from that same person you barely know coming!  Thanks for the update!  BLOCK.

– Suicide watch poster.  “I don’t know how I can live anymore.  McDonald’s was out of nuggets today.”  Maybe you should do it – you’re depressing me and those Nuggets are mighty tasty.

– Spam funny picture/website link person.  In fairness, I post my crap blogs once a day, but please don’t put 97 pictures from lolcats.net on my feed.  There’s a cat making a wacky face – oh man, that cat is cray cray!  HA HA HA HA HA (gunshot)

Of course, these important posts bury the news that someone you know got engaged, pregnant, is sick, lost a loved one or has a very hilarious comedy show coming up.  Come on people!  Don’t you know what’s important in life?  (Emcee, Columbus Funny Bone, Oct. 29th @ 7:30 – tickets online at columbusfunnybone.com)  Quit clogging everyone’s newsfeed with non-comedy show related crap!

I went to Kroger w/ my pals pre-Buckeye game.  One was hitting on a girl way too young, so we had to wait on him to get beer (that’s not the sex crime, but it could’ve been had we not told him to hurry up).  While standing at the end of the self-checkout line, I saw of all things, a cart completely full of summer sausage and hot dog packs.  I’m talking $250 worth of pork.  I was staring at it quizzically, then my buddy Rich said “Look at that dude.”  This is never good, but always interesting.

I looked up to see an older man wearing what looked like swim trunks and black dress shoes with no socks.  He pulled out a tissue from the box at the employee station and gave it to the girl overseeing the process.  She blew her nose, then he grabbed the tissue and pulled out a plastic bag from his pocket, shoving the snotty tissue inside, then putting it back in his pocket.  He was so excited, he was shaking.  I was incredulous.

He kept persisting and I realized after the fourth tissue, he was getting his rocks off…but I have no idea why.  Snot covered tissues?  The poor girl was trying to be nice and kept blowing away, handing this deviant each one, even though she had no cold and there was a trash can right there.  I wanted to freak out, but was so confused, I didn’t know what to do.  Rich went up to him and said, “What are you doing?  There’s a trash can right there!  You’re a creep!”  El Creepo shouted, “Leave me alone!”  Then he grabbed his meat cart and shuffled away with his bag o’ mucus covered Kleenexes.  I don’t know what I just saw, but it will probably haunt me for the rest of my life.

Here’s the deal.  I know people are into some weird shit, but snot?  Hell, they even used to sell used panties in Japan via vending machines.  That’s gross, but at least it’s somewhat sexual.  Tissues?  What’s even weirder is that I noticed after the fact the freak was with another man.  Now I’m really blown away.  I’m going to act like I didn’t see any of this and try to move on…and never use a tissue again.

Everyone has a different version of clean.  For me, it’s pretty much don’t say the f word or talk about bodily fluids and various forms of penetration.  When I get a show that says “Be clean!”, I kind of cringe.  That said, any asshole can be dirty, so the clean shows pay a lot more.  I remember when I first started a really vile comic did a comedy contest.  His closer involved a purple strap-on dildo, so that’s all you really need to know.  Post-show, he told me he landed a corporate gig.  Me: “What?  Where?”  Him: “For my co-workers.”  Me: “Oh, so it’s not a corporate gig.  How much are they paying you?”  Him: “Nothing.  It’s a free show.”  Me: “OK.  That makes sense because you offend me and I am a piece of shit.”  Corporate gig my foot!  (See how I cleaned it up there?)

Despite all that, I have worked clean a lot.  It’s usually pretty subtle as in I don’t curse and cut out the sex jokes, mostly.  Once I did a casino show at a place that presidents have vacationed at for a hundred years.  Surprisingly, their white trash radar didn’t blow up when I walked in.  I had to wear a suit and tie, but it went great.  I was very excited until I realized I didn’t get to stay in this palatial estate.  “Where’s my room?”  “Oh, I am sorry sir, your room is at the Red Roof Inn.  Ten miles from here.”  That’s more like it.  Time to pound Busch Lights in my hilljack hotel alone again and listen to Skid Row and the people in the next room have sex!