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Cold weather = the same conversation on repeat for a week

In case I see you in person, let’s get this out of the way now.  “Sure got cold out quick!”  “Yep, if you don’t like the weather around here, wait five minutes!”  “Boy, people sure forgot how to drive in the snow!”  “I hear that!”  “I can’t believe we got snow!”  “At least we’re not ______.”  “I hear that!”  “I had to get out my winter coat early this year!”  “Me too, that wind sure is cold!”

Now that we had this conversation already via my blog, please keep this dialogue to your damn self now.  Give me a nice, “This weather sucks my ass!” and we’re good.  While I’m at it, none of these either – “You workin’ hard, or hardly workin’!” or my old pervert favorite, “If I was ten years younger, I’d be hitting that!”  One, hardly workin’, cause I’m talking to an idiot.  Two, no you wouldn’t.  She’s hot, your gut has been hanging over your dick since 1987.  And you have unpopped blackheads on your nose, I can see them from here and I wear contacts.  That felt good, we should talk more often…via my blog.

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Highlights from the show

Last I emceed the “Open Mike Talent Search” at the Funny Bone.  Here’s my favorite moments.

– One guy opened up with a donkey show joke…then smoothly transitioned into giving parenting advice.  Hmm, I’m all ears!

– One contestant forgot her material 30 seconds in.  This is usually not good for comedians.

– I realized no one in the crowd was up for answering any questions.  After a lot of blank stares, I surmised aloud that the crowd was full of orphans that didn’t like sports, know Columbus had a casino and were all straight people that hung out in gay bars.  That got more laughs than anything else I did all night.

Overall it was a good show, but I realized I forgot to zip up my pants for ten minutes after the tinkle I took.  Thank God I didn’t go onstage like that, but I’m pretty sure at least seven people saw my undies.  I am going to be a mess when I’m old, but in fairness, old people usually don’t care.  Take it all in, strangers!

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Party music

By far, my least favorite part of hosting people is picking music.  I like heavy metal…but if I have a party and play heavy metal one of two things will happen.  One, everyone leaves.  Two, everyone loves it and starts smashing my place up.  So off we go to other choices.

I put on a hip hop mix and three songs in, someone wanted “indie” music.  I flipped over and smack my ass, Randy Newman came on.  I hate Randy Newman more than I hate catching my junk in my zipper.  Seriously, we get it you mushmouthed fat jackass.  You sing with the skill of Jack Nicholson post lobotomy in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.  So we switched music yet again.  Now I’m a DJ, and a shitty one at that.

The worst, though, is that some drunk acts like we’re in an Ampitheater and goes right to volume 4000 on the dial.  Of course, with the way my trashy neighbors fight, this is a nice revenge moment.  Turn the speakers to the wall, oh and here’s an old favorite of mine – “Primal Concrete Sledge” by Pantera.

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The thrift store dumpster dive

No greater risk/reward exists in the Halloween world outside the thrift store trip.  In college, a sorority we partied with (yes, I did use party as a verb) had a “Pimps and Prostitutes party each year.  I got a fur trimmed overcoat, vest, butterfly collar shirt, fake gold, flat dress shoes and even a croched hat for $20.  The perfect add was polyester burgundy pants so tight I couldn’t bend at the knee without the button unsnapping.  $1.  Just $1 to ruin everyone’s night.  Awesome.

Of course, the problem is that you have no idea what trashy smack addict stole these clothes off another possibly dead crack addict to pawn them off in the first place.  There’s one near my place now that has the dirtiest glass windows and doors I’ve ever seen.  Not exactly helping assuage my fears…is that a face print on the glass door?  Slobber?  I’m going to cover myself in sanitizer first and get a broomhandle with a hook on the end so I don’t have to touch this shit.  Then again, I just got a black pleather coat for $5.33 that I’m going to cut the sleeves off of – don’t ask, it’s Halloween.