CHRIS COEN

Caffeine free pop is useless.  If it doesn’t have the juice, just give me a beer.

If a sporting event starts after nine, there is a 99% percent chance I will fall asleep watching it.  (In other words NBA, I have a real job – start the damn game at 8)

Every six months I notice something with my body that severely disappoints me.  I hurt my foot a year ago turning around, but without taking a single step.  That’s a low blow.

As a comic, I write less than I did when I started, but when I do, it’s a lot better than when I was younger.

No matter what you say or do, you will be unable to keep up with music.  Perfect proof – see a 55 year old DJ in action.  No Diggity is the newest dance song he’s got in the holster.  No doubt.

You realize half the stuff from your childhood is awful.  Don’t ever go back and watch your favorite shows or movies.  Leave them in 1988 where they belong.  I’m looking at you, Alf.  My college roommate Camp and I watched Alf on TV Land in the early 2000’s.  He called his dad to apologize for making him watch it with him as a kid.

New parents: “I heard there’s something going around.  Lock the doors and seal the windows.  Shoot any people that approach the house.”

Seasoned parents: “I think I have the flu.”  “Well, it’s your turn to watch the baby, suck it up I’ve had to pee for three hours.”

NP: “Get the organic food and clean the veggies, then steam everything.  Don’t let it sit for more than 33 seconds or it’s contaminated.”

SP: “I think our kid is eating dog poop.”  “Just don’t let her eat any more.  Dinner’s almost ready.”

NP: “Wow, that’s a somewhat mildly stinky diaper.” (Pre-real food)

SP: “Give me the scuba mask, baby girl had asparagus for lunch and I think the poop is between her shoulder blades.” (After they start eating real food)

NP: “If anyone wakes the baby up, make them disappear.”

SP: “If anyone wakes the baby up, make them disappear and go after their loved ones also.”

– Sports talk radio call in guy.  There is no more tunnel visioned person on Earth than sports talk radio call in guy.  Your team loses?  Screwed over.  Wins?  Best team in history.  Lose two?  Fire all coaches.  Win two?  Extend every contract for 10 years.  Take some Prozac and a deep breath.

– Person who prioritizes outrage.  Believe it or not, things can all suck.  Your hot button issue doesn’t mean other things aren’t shitty too.  You’re outraged a gorilla got shot.  I get it.  19 people got killed that weekend in Chicago.  That’s worse. but it doesn’t mean both don’t suck on some level.  That said, don’t read one story a week on your favorite website and act like you’re a social activist because you put up a Facebook post about it.  OK, change this category, don’t be fake social activist on Facebook person.

– “I ask questions, then shit on answers guy/gal.”  Hey what pizza do you like?  Sausage.  Sausage?!  Pepperoni is the best you weirdo!  OK, then you eat it, dickhead.  More sausage for me.

– Our cat.  I should say my wife’s cat.  I know that’s not a person, but the cat has a personality and she is pure evil.  Everyday she meows and nuzzles me to get her morning food…exactly 10 minutes before my alarm is set.  That’s just wrong.

I’ve heard that people used to live before air conditioning.  When I see pictures of people in Latin America wearing suits in the 1800’s, I assume that there was an Ice Age going on or people were cold-blooded back then, like reptiles.  There’s no way that’s possible.

This past weekend my air began faltering and I realized things were now different.  I first did my will, because it would be irresponsible of me to leave my family without my final wishes.  77 degrees?  I better hurry this along…  I did learn some things though that may help you survive.

All you have to do is get a fan, preferably one the size of a garage door and sit directly in front of it.  Then don’t move, blink, or breathe excessively.  Get a cold drink and take off as much clothing as you can without scaring anyone.  If none of this works, throw away everything out of your fridge and crawl in.  You may die, but you won’t be hot.  I think that’s a good trade off.

You can’t!  That’s the easy answer, but of course someone about once a month on my Facebook feed posts how some fitness instructor managed to do it – imagine that!  Someone who works out for money has the time to get back in rock hard form.  I am in terrible shape and I didn’t even physically have a baby growing in me, but if anything, I am known throughout the land as an optimist (crickets and tumbleweed), so here’s some positives!

1) You can cut back on drinking.  It’s actually very easy – you’re so tired most of the time, you just end up passing out after one or two.  Great job, dad!

2) Try eating right after a diaper change.  No desire to eat?  Exactly the point.

3) When you eat, it’s cold when it’s supposed to be warm, warm when supposed to be cold.  What better way to say no thanks to seconds than when your chicken wings are a tasty 40 degrees cooler than expected!

4) Extra workouts.  Not good workouts, but if pacing the floor with a baby fighting sleep or grinding your teeth at night worrying you’re forgetting something of dire importance burns calories, you’re all set.

Now I just need one of those supermarkets to superimpose my fat head on someone else’s body on a health magazine cover, this new parent craze will sweep the nation.  Can some graphic artist stick this mug on J Lo?  I’ll cut you in on 10% of the profit.

I couldn’t really do a funny post for today, sorry.  I always like to give a warning shot, since the website has comedy in the title.  Memorial Day was created after the Civil War, in which 600,000 casualties of war bought the price of freedom and ended the institution of slavery in the United States.  Today, we honor our fallen heroes who paid the highest price with a day of remembrance.

This is a long way to travel to my point and dark, but bear with me.  I read a story about a month ago my mom told me about.  A drug addicted mom, her mom and a friend were arrested in Cincinnati for beating her six year old son to death.  Apparently, the kid was hungry and crying, so the woman that gave birth to this boy  (who was reported to be the size of a four year old from malnutrition) decided he was getting on her nerves and beat him until he died from his injuries.  That story has stuck in my head the entire month of May.

This weekend I googled Memorial Day stories and was directed to the PBS website where people posted stories of their friends and family who were lost to war.  I clicked on Vietnam, which is near to me since my dad fought with the 101st Airborne there.  I don’t know what was more painful, reading stories from children, now in their 50’s, who knew their fathers, or the ones that put simply “to the man I never knew.”  Some were short, some were long, but I only made it about three pages in and had to stop.  I wanted to keep going, but I couldn’t.

In this country today, I can go on social media and see all kinds of posts about how America sucks.  I don’t make enough money, life’s not fair, how dare people not realize how important issue x or y is, etc.  The history of the world has always been filled with oppression, tyrants, suffering and war, but in this little spot of time in mankind’s existence, a group of people of different backgrounds, races, and political views have found a way, through the promise of liberty, to build the greatest and freest nation ever wrought by humankind.  We can worship (or not) how we choose, live as we see fit and express our minds as we want.  Freedom is always under assault from those who do not appreciate it or covet the reins of power.  Some, especially our soldiers, have went to the corners of the earth in the prime of their youths to defend and/or promote the principles of freedom.  Some have been used and abused by our politicians or disrespected upon their return to civilian life or have had to survive with crippling mental and physical injuries.

Too many of our vets kill themselves.  I encourage everyone to put pressure on their representatives to act or donate to any one of the veteran suicide prevention organizations (google it – there are plenty).  The VA controversy is still unresolved.  I think about those that sacrificed their lives and then I think about the lady that killed her own son I mentioned earlier.  What a chasm that can exist between people and how we live our lives.

My point for the earlier depressing story and the Memorial Day remembrances is just this.  Live a life of good.  Too many people have given too much for the beautiful things we can enjoy in this country to exist as a heap of human shit.  Too many families torn asunder; too many lives sacrificed.  Take a couple minutes to remember our heroes, then strive to live a life that would make those who aren’t around anymore proud to know that their loss was not in vain.  God bless the fallen on this hallowed day of remembrance.