CHRIS COEN

I, like tens of millions, eagerly anticipated the return of Game of Thrones.  In all honesty, other than live sports, it’s the only show I watch live.  Week one, I turned on HBO and recorded the episode in advance.  All was right with the world.

Episode two was coming on, so I turned on my TV about 7:45 to make sure it was recording.  “You are not subscribed to this channel.”  OH MY DEAR SWEET LORD WHAT IS GOING ON??!!  I called, customer service was closed.  I went online and quickly added HBO to my plan, even though I already had it.  I called the tech support number – “No problem, sir, it should show up in a hour, maybe two.”  It never did.  FOR OVER 14 HOURS.

I called Monday and talked to the nicest, most incompetent rep on Earth.  I explained in great detail what happened.  “Yes, do I have HBO now?  What happened?  Why did it work?”  “Hello, sir, you have HBO!”  “Excellent, why did it shut off last night?”  “Oh you have it, you signed on last night!  Am I providing good customer service?”  “I know I signed on last night, it worked a week ago, didn’t last night.  It didn’t show up even this morning.”  “Yes sir!  You are signed up now, you have HBO!  Am I taking care of your needs?”  Me, breathing into a paper bag now, “Look, I had it a week ago and then I didn’t.  Why is that?”  “Yes, now you are a subscriber!”  I re-explained another two times.

I took one more very exasperated inhale and blew out.  “I KNOW I HAVE IT, I TOLD YOU THREE TIMES I HAD TO SUBSCRIBE.  WHY DID IT SHUT OFF?  WHY AM I PAYING NOW WHEN I HAD IT ALREADY?!”  Another five minutes of this and it finally clicked with her I was trying to find out what happened.  Turns out, my free period just happened to end randomly and it was free for everyone the first week.  “Great news, sir!  It was free for you last week no matter what!”  “COOL, I WATCHED IT.  I KNOW.  I REMEMBER THAT.  I WATCH ONE STUPID SHOW LIVE.  I HAVE TWO KIDS UNDER FOUR.  I HAVE LITERALLY ONE PART OF POP CULTURE THAT I STAY RELEVANT ON.  IF MY GAME OF THRONES ISN’T ON WHEN I GET HOME, I WILL UNLEASH A THOUSAND YEARS OF DARKNESS ONTO THE LAND.  MAKE IT WORK!”  “OK, I see you’ve subscribed!  Would you say I’ve answered your questions today?”  “HAVE A GOOD DAY.”  Click.

It worked and the Night King has been kept at bay for now.  If this happens again, I’m dragging someone from whatever call center on the other side of the globe to my house and making them fix it while I scream, “YOU’RE NOT PROVIDING THE BEST CUSTOMER SERVICE RIGHT NOW!”

Jokes be damned, it’s GoT week and I overthink this show, so here goes – the top “what if” moments of this show.  SPOILERS GALORE.

What if Littlefinger had been killed in the duel for Catelyn Tully’s hand?  (A: The entire show, pretty much, wouldn’t exist)

What if Ned Stark had arrested Joffrey when King Robert passed from his wounds as he was advised?

What if ATT messes up my HBO subscription again and I have torch their entire company?

What if the Starks never attended the Red Wedding?

What if Bran never allowed the Night King to touch him in his vision and the Three Eyed Raven and Children of the Forest still lived?

What if there was a show just about the direwolves?  (A: I would watch.)

What if the dragons never hatched?

What if Rhaegar slew Robert instead of the other way around?  What if Lyanna Stark survived childbirth?

What if the Hound and Mountain fought to the death in season one like we hoped they would?

What if Oberon Martell killed the Mountain straight up at their duel?

What if there was no green wildfire bomb vault at King’s Landing?  (Battle of Blackwater Bay and Cersei’s coup against the church and Margarey Tyrell)

What if Ramsay Bolton had been discovered in disguise early and killed before Theon was turned into a broken husk?

What if there was a show where I could watch Ramsay Bolton get killed 134 times per show?  (A: I would watch it every week, I hate his guts with all my guts.)

What if Khal Drogo survived his injury?

What if the Night King was never created by the Children?

That should do it for now, I’m out of coffee.

 

That’s my visceral reaction to that question.  It’s funny, I was going to blog about this Monday.  This is the first time I could sit down in front of my computer and if the dog or cat wake my kids up, I’m going to sell them to a restaurant in a bad part of town.

The basic answer to the question is yes, but there’s an issue or two, in case any comics reading this are wondering.  Yes, you get opportunities to collect more material.  My three year old daughter said to me the other day she was going to remove my “pay nay” for some reason and laughed.  That’s funny.  That’s not really a joke.  I had an old co-worker when I first started that did that.  Every time something remotely funny happened – “You gonna add that to your act?”  Yes, Carl, I’m going to add that joke about a misshipment of foam trays into my closing bit.”  Having something humorous happen doesn’t always translate into a bit.

Also, there a little something called time.  Here’s how my day went the other day.  My son woke up at some ungodly hour, my wife had him, but was she was dog sick and I took him.  He went to sleep finally so I slept on the floor next to his crib because he was tossing and turning.  Then I woke up, did some things to get their dishes washed, and worked all day.  Came home, ran the vacuum, got dinner ready, did bath time and got them ready for bed.  My daughter fell asleep reading with me and then awoke suddenly and vomited on me.  Cleaned that up with my wife’s help, showered and got a few more things done.  Went to sleep at about 12: 04 am, last I looked.  Son woke up at 2:58 am, went back to sleep before four am.  Repeat cycle.  OH BOY LOOK AT THE MATERIAL I GOT.  NOW I’LL USE THESE 47 SECONDS OF FREE TIME TO REALLY WRITE AND HONE THIS BIT.

I did a show once with two other comics.  One was a single guy, the other had three kids.  Single guy: “I want to travel for shows more, but I feel I really don’t have that much free time.”  Three kid guy: “I’m about to slap the shit out of you.”  That pretty much sums it up.

Here’s my GoT bracket, lock it down, I’m taking home millions.  OK, probably $15 or whatever we get from the office pool.

My upset pick is that I think Arya Stark will kill the Night King.  Too powerful to take on head to head, she gets it done with dragonglass daggers.  Jon Snow on the Throne because he doesn’t want it, so why not?  Daenerys is definitely knocked up.

Other than that, Tormund better make it.  He’s my favorite character – badass, funny and from the Free Folk and I sure do love me some Freedom.  I think Jaime kills Cersei but dies.  All the Greyjoys are going down.  Theon may leak through, but he has no dick, so what’s the point?  The Hound will die doing something noble.  Bran will die doing something like warging a dragon.  Sansa is not going to make it because all the Starks can’t make it.

I’m probably wrong, since it’s Game of Thrones, everyone will die except Samwell Tarly and he will rule the Iron Throne knowing how this show goes.  Who cares!  Bring me more Game of Thrones!

About nine years ago, a fellow comic Patsy B asked me if I would be in a documentary about stand-up comedy, so I said sure.  She filmed, interviewed and had to go through eight film editors before it was completed, but it finally came out and I went to Gateway Film Center in Columbus to see the finished product on the big screen.

I actually am glad it took a while to finish, because I saw myself from eight years ago telling jokes at the Funny Bone.  I was beardless, in better shape and appeared to have more hair (don’t tell my hair, I try not to provoke it more into falling out at my age).  I also saw a version of a joke I tell now that went over well, but was way more unpolished.  It was pretty interesting to me personally just to see what I thought at the time, although in all honesty, no one should listen to 32 year old single Chris.  Bad idea.

Patsy did a really great job getting diverse opinions and advice from seasoned emcees, radio hosts, touring comics and even local veterans.  I didn’t disagree with anything I saw in the movie and most of the advice was solid and necessary for anyone looking to start up in stand-up comedy.  I will have to share when it becomes available to the public.

I would say my best tips for anyone looking to start doing stand-up are 1) be single and childless, 2) be crazy or dumb enough to try it, 3) record your sets, 4) don’t bother asking for advice until you do an open mic (personal pet peeve of mine – spending 35 minutes telling someone about timing and stage presence that will never actually get onstage) and 5) you’re not as funny as your friends (or you) think you are.  Oh and lastly, don’t talk to me until you’ve done it for six months.  That’s most important.  I’m a big star in a documentary.

I have self appointed myself King of the Internet, because someone has to run things on here.  Here’s the new royal declarations from your Majesty, King of the Internet, regarding what you can and can’t post anymore.  OK, mostly can’t.

Royal decree #1: Thou shalt not post more than two “Hey guys, I’m sad and depressed and need some good vibes” posts per month.  TWO IS THE NUMBER, THE NUMBER BEING TWO.  If you post the third, my royal white coats will show up and drag you to therapy.  Four and you’re committed.  Five and you will be shot from a cannon for my amusement.  Seriously, get help, get friends or GTFO.  Likes aren’t helping your cause.

Royal decree #2: If you think you have some insight on a murder that no one else knows about, then thou must report this “insider” conspiracy to my minister of information.  His office is at the bottom of the Ohio River, just dive in and swim around until you find him.  Or her.  Or whomever.  NO ONE HAS TIME FOR YOUR CONSPIRACY THEORIES, REPORTETH TO THINE MINISTER OF INFORMATION NOW AND GO AWAY.

Royal decree #3: If thou art a man and thinking about posting something sexual on a female’s innocuous post, then ye shall be bombarded by gay men posting overtly crass posts on your page until you see ye are shamed and know how uncomfortable it is to be creeped on.

Royal decree #4: ALL WEIRD JAPANESE KIDS YOUTUBE VIDEOS ARE HEREBY EXPELLED FROM MY INTERNET.  One more bizarre video of Paw Patrol action figures being crammed into a bag of blue slime while a family dances to Benny Hill music will drive me to cancel the internet.  WE AREN’T LEARNING ANYTHING OTHER THAN THIS IS MAKING ME CRINGE.

This is it for now.  Subjects, send me more Avengers: Endgame and Game of Thrones trailers and be gone!