• The King of the Internet speaketh: Things I can do without on social media

    Posted by on April 4, 2019

    I have self appointed myself King of the Internet, because someone has to run things on here.  Here’s the new royal declarations from your Majesty, King of the Internet, regarding what you can and can’t post anymore.  OK, mostly can’t.

    Royal decree #1: Thou shalt not post more than two “Hey guys, I’m sad and depressed and need some good vibes” posts per month.  TWO IS THE NUMBER, THE NUMBER BEING TWO.  If you post the third, my royal white coats will show up and drag you to therapy.  Four and you’re committed.  Five and you will be shot from a cannon for my amusement.  Seriously, get help, get friends or GTFO.  Likes aren’t helping your cause.

    Royal decree #2: If you think you have some insight on a murder that no one else knows about, then thou must report this “insider” conspiracy to my minister of information.  His office is at the bottom of the Ohio River, just dive in and swim around until you find him.  Or her.  Or whomever.  NO ONE HAS TIME FOR YOUR CONSPIRACY THEORIES, REPORTETH TO THINE MINISTER OF INFORMATION NOW AND GO AWAY.

    Royal decree #3: If thou art a man and thinking about posting something sexual on a female’s innocuous post, then ye shall be bombarded by gay men posting overtly crass posts on your page until you see ye are shamed and know how uncomfortable it is to be creeped on.

    Royal decree #4: ALL WEIRD JAPANESE KIDS YOUTUBE VIDEOS ARE HEREBY EXPELLED FROM MY INTERNET.  One more bizarre video of Paw Patrol action figures being crammed into a bag of blue slime while a family dances to Benny Hill music will drive me to cancel the internet.  WE AREN’T LEARNING ANYTHING OTHER THAN THIS IS MAKING ME CRINGE.

    This is it for now.  Subjects, send me more Avengers: Endgame and Game of Thrones trailers and be gone!

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