CHRIS COEN

I know it may surprise some of you, but I had a couple moments in my life where I didn’t have this rock hard body that women swoon and pant over like now.  Apparently, at 24, I didn’t realize eating leftover General Tso’s and Taco Bell at 3 am after 14 beers was a bad idea.  Now I know, and here’s some tips to help!

1) Drinking is all empty calories.  We all know that no right thinking American can quit drinking.  Did George Washington quit fighting the redcoats?  No!  Simple solution – don’t eat!  Plus it saves a lot on food bills.  Can you say more drinking money?

2) Workout.  It was hard for me in my portly days of being 218 lbs., even though clearly it was mostly solid muscle.  When I didn’t want to work out, I just thought one simple thought: I am a piece of garbage – I need to look good or women’s instincts will kick in fully.  I can at least confuse them with a decent build before I repulse them completely.  Get on the treadmill, creep!  Plus when you’re out of shape, working out makes you puke, which is good also.

3) Ex-Lax.  If not readily available, hot sauce and Busch Light will do the trick over time.

Well, I hope this helps you shed those unwanted lbs.  See you at the bar/gym/bathroom!

Well, not really, but I had another birthday and they are starting to get annoying.  Example – I got a nose hair trimmer and was excited about it.  Sigh.  That’s a bad sign.  I ate too much, which you’re supposed to do on your birthday, but that means another hour of running to make up for it.  I drank too much, which means I need a nap even though I slept in.  Not to mention I stayed in and played video games one night last weekend…well, that’s not age, that’s my aversion to interacting with people.

That said, please send presents.  I won’t be offended if they are late, I know you’re all busy.  Cash, booze, and cash are my top three favorite, in case you were wondering.  I do comedy – you could send me a ziploc bag full of pennies and I would be impressed.

Most of us jokesters are quite disturbed.  I have worked with one that told me was certified insane and I didn’t doubt it.  Decades of drug use will do that, I’ve heard.  The winner was an older gentleman who went by the moniker “No Money Down Productions presents Still Gettin’ Paid.”

He came to the open mike, where they have a workshop pre-show.  This is a chance for the management to make sure someone’s not going to whip it out or go on a racial cleansing tirade and they needed it this night.  He looked like Flava Flav, but rougher.  He also had eyeglasses with the fake cardboard eye inserts and his head was shaved bald…except a tuft of hair in the shape of a question mark.  He was called upon to present his act and the fun began.

Instead of addressing the surly group of comics (about 15 of us) from the stage, he ran across the length of the room to the back corner and proceeded to do his own intro by screaming.  Most of it was indecipherable, but he basically called the group a bunch of bitches and n words for about a minute before running to the mike.  He then said, “Y’all a bunch of amateurs.  I’m a pro!  I do this in my basement!”  Sadly, he wasn’t being ironic.  The voices in his head applauded, just like in his basement of lunacy.

He never actually did any material, but he continued to berate all of us comics until finally he was asked by management if he forgot his pills.  “Yes, I quit taking that shit.  It was hurting my flow.”  Well, he was escorted out by security and I never saw him again.  My pal Dan told me he has been around for about 15 years or so and once pulled out a squirt gun from a chest of props and hosed down the front row.  It appears he comes out about every five years.  Don’t worry, people.  You’re safe for another 3.5 years.

I fell asleep early last night, so this is all I have today.

#3 – A black lady doing blackface.  She dressed up like Aunt Jemima and read dirty nursery rhymes like Andrew Dice Clay in 1990.  A black employee came out from the back and told her how offensive it was and they argued for several uncomfortable minutes.  (FYI – I stayed out of the argument)

#2 – A middle aged crazy white trash lady dressed up like Raggedy Ann (see the trend?  Outfits = nuts).  Her, and her not too happy friend who was dressed like a huge whoopie cushion, danced onstage in tribute to Michael Jackson, who had just died.  The only hiccup?  She was playing “Caribbean Queen” by Billy Ocean, who is not Michael Jackson at all.

Stay tuned tomorrow for #1!

Here’s some tips, in case you are too stupid to talk on the phone!

1) If you are constantly putting down the phone, only to scream into my ear to get your husband or wife’s opinion for everything, just give them the damn phone.  You’re the dumb one, the other one is the decision maker – let’s get this charade over with.

2) If you ask me a question, then start talking over me immediately the call always seems to drop!  Amazing coincidence!  Actually, it’s not.  I hung up on you and will do that again gladly.

3) Text me while I drive = get no response.  It’s now illegal, I’m farsighted and as an added bonus, I don’t like t-boning school buses just to fire off an “LOL!”

4) Finally, we get it, your phone is sweet.  It checks out the internet, email, facebook and texts…just like everyone in America under 45 years old.  You’re special.  Tell me more about how smart your kids are while we’re at it!

Flight is a movie about a raging alcoholic pilot played by Denzel Washington.  He pulls off (in case you haven’t figured it out, stop reading if don’t want to know more.  The movie’s been out a month at this point, it’s fair game) an incredible crash landing, but may or may not have been loaded at the time.  The plot hinges on this as his liver takes a beating in the process of discovery or something.

It was decent, with some good acting.  That’s not why I blogged about it.  I had two very distinct problems with the film.  One, I know Denzel is not a smoker in real life because despite his acting, he smokes like a 12 year old trying to look cool behind the gym.  Not quite Meg Ryan in Proof of Life bad, but very noticeable.  Hint: If someone breathes out very loudly and smacks their lips a lot, they’re not really smoking.

The other problem is he’s a big drunk and had a different type of beer or liquor in every scene.  That’s unusual.  I wouldn’t know anyways, because I drink beer, and everyone knows beer drinkers aren’t alcoholics.  Alcoholics drink out of a brown paper bag and pass out a lot in alleys, says my 1958 sense of alcoholism.  Thank God I only drink beer.  Where’s my last beer?  Let me look behind the rum and egg nog, not there…perhaps next to the handle of Beam?…ah, here it is by the open bottle of wine on the bottom shelf of my fridge.