CHRIS COEN

Monday night I was part of the “Last Realtor Standing.”  It’s a show/fundraiser where local realtors pair up with a coach and perform stand-up comedy.  I’ve done it three times and “we” won once only because my partner removed his shirt and did a headstand.  I didn’t coach that part, so in other words, my quarterback called an audible and we won the game.

I also did a set after my coachee or whatever the term is and had a great set, finished up and went to grab a beer.  A man approached me fairly quickly afterwards.  “Do you guys do this…you’re local right?”  Yes, I began to explain I live in Columbus and before I got much else out he said, “Like here?  I’ve never seen you and I come here all the time.”  The little enthusiasm I have for talking to strangers evaporated like a drop of sweat in the desert.  We are not off to a good start.

I started to explain more of what I do just out of the need to move to the conversation forward and he spoke again, “I mean do you guys coach comedy, like all the time?  Like, can I hire you?”  Now, ten years ago, I would have talked to this idiot for an hour and tried to set something up.  I may be less ambitious now, but I am way more experienced.  I asked flat out, “Have you ever been onstage?”  “No, that is what I need help with.  I’m terrified of going up.”  This is the biggest annoyance of doing comedy.  I have wasted more time with people who “want to try comedy” than anything and they NEVER get onstage.

“Well, if you can’t get onstage, there’s no use wasting my time or yours.”  He looked dejected, much as I probably looked talking in circles with him.  “I just need help getting up there.”  So I offered this, “I used to give out advice all the time, but if you can’t get onstage at an open mic in front of 15-20 people, there’s no point in wasting my time or yours.  If you told me you did it once, I would give you tips for free.  Here’s my only advice about getting up there: no one wants to do it.  Everyone in the crowd is also terrified of being onstage, they give you a bit of respect as long as you don’t blow it.  If you can just do it, trust me, no one will remember your name good or bad after one set unless you take your pants off or punch the emcee.”  He didn’t look satisfied.  “So you wouldn’t coach me for a fee?”  “No chance.  I would be stealing your money.  If you can’t get onstage, it’s wasting our time to talk about what you would do up there.”  He walked away awkwardly and said thanks.  If he and I both live to be 150, he will still never get onstage.  I guarantee it.

My wife and I had a little anniversary getaway and we had a nice time, great food, and even had time for little something different: a ghost hunt.  By the end, I was more scared of the people in our group than the angriest phantasm on this world or the next.

My group’s worst offenders as we walked into a dark cemetery were the following: drunk bachelor party, extremely loud older lady asking dumb questions like she was trying to ruin the trip, guy who believed a little too much in ghosts and everyone else.  How it worked was we got a rundown of the history for about an hour, then dousing rods were used.  Basically they moved into an x for yes, stayed straight for no.  I don’t know who came up with this, like the international ghost hunter union met with representatives of the afterlife and there were memos sent out, but that’s the deal.  Only yes or no, kind of hard to answer otherwise when you’re manipulating rods.

The guide, who was constantly apologizing for things she didn’t need to, was asking the group to come up with a question for the ghost/spirit in question and loud lady yelled, “Who’s birthday is it?”  You have one chance to communicate with the great beyond and you want to play carny games.  Good job, I’m sure the spirit has been roaming the earth for 1000 years so it can predict Esther’s 59th birthday.

The other guy kept trying to get involved and asking things like, “Are the spirits here?  What’s the science behind this?”  You just asked two different questions there, chief.  If there are spirits roaming around, there’s probably not a scientific consensus and our guide isn’t exactly breaking down charts over here, she’s got two copper rods and a mini Mag-light.

It was actually interesting to hear the history, even though as I mentioned, the guide was saying things like, “This man passed in 1858…or maybe it was 1857.  Actually maybe 1856.”  Just make it up, lady, the six guys chugging moonshine out of solo cups aren’t going to fact check you tomorrow morning.  The flashlight began to dim with no one holding it and the EKG meter or whatever it was went nuts once, which prompted loud lady to yell at the ghost to do more and true believer guy to lose his mind.  By the end, I didn’t care if some apparition ravaged the group as long as they took loud lady back down into hell with them.  Maybe we will do a private hunt next time.  For the bar.

I’m no pollyanna about what most major corporations will do for money.  Not for people either.  Recently a lady had a relative of mine sign marriage paperwork against his knowledge in an attempt to scam an elderly man of his money (the marriage was annulled, criminal prosecution to follow soon).  It’s really pathetic, however, to watch the NBA, a league swimming in cash, to bow to the communist dictatorship in China.

For those not watching, China is moving against the sovereignty of Hong Kong, which has more rights than mainland China per an agreement with the British.  China is attempting to extradite residents of Hong Kong for trials, aka do what China does best – stampede its own.  China currently oppresses Muslims and Christians, restricting religious freedom and going so far as to imprison and restrict communication devices among the groups.  They prevent any free speech and execute with reckless freedom.  They are the world leaders in spying on their own citizens, recently creating a “social score” based on loyalty to Xi, their dictator and there are countless stories of the government’s corruption.  For the US, they ruthlessly acquire the assets of companies that do business in China by making it a requirement for doing business in their country.  It then retools that tech for their military, which is threatening expansion in several areas.

Hong Kong has been a hotbed of protest with the oppression and recently the GM of the Houston Rockets tweeted support for the people of Hong Kong.  Suddenly, Rockets aplenty, from their star player to the owner, sent out support tweets every which way to Sunday.  China’s response?  Like a good little oligarchy, they banned the preseason broadcasts as the NBA scrambled for the money over standing up for one city (or even one tweet).  This is really pathetic and it takes my personal interest in the NBA from 3% to zero.  (South Park by contrast openly mocked the Chinese government and the companies that pander to their demands.  They were also removed from the Chinese internet almost instantly).  I realize this website will take a huge hit with my Chinese audience (currently zero, never mind) but be better NBA.  You’re not as socially forward as you act when you censor your own in favor of $4 billion.  Well, there goes my China comedy tour!

I saw the above headline and I thought, oh, I have to read this article.  Then the site was a foreign tabloid and wanted to send me cookies, so I didn’t read it.  It kept bouncing around in my head – the article, not the iPhone’s subliminal gay undertones – so I found another site and read it.

Apparently a Russian man is suing for some amount of rubles – your guess what those are worth is as good as mine – because his iPhone allowed him to receive a payment in cryptocurrency called GayCoin, which included a message to not judge.  Apparently this was enough to push him over the wall between straight and gay – he said “How could I judge until I knew?” and got a boyfriend and hocus pocus, he’s now a homosexual.

At first I was laughing, mostly because I don’t really know what cryptocurrency is, but that seems to be a rather low bar for switching sexual preference.  An app says, “Don’t knock it until you try it!” and boom!  You’re now into a different gender.  I then read a bit more on the article and figured out the real reason is Russia is very anti-LBTQ and he’s socially ostracized, so this is probably the real driver of the suit, which makes this a sad story…but the headline though!  I’m going to sue my TV for making me fat – I wasn’t going to eat, but you know, there was a line on the commercial that said the Big Mac was tasty, so I ate 340 hamburgers.  Does anyone know a good Russian lawyer?

Several weeks ago, I saw a story that caught my eye.  A younger man held up a sign during a football pregame show that he needed beer money (specifically Busch Light, which is probably why I read it.  Sweet, delicious Busch Light…mmmm) and put his Venmo on the sign.  For those over 50, Venmo is a way to send direct payments to individuals, like Pay Pal.  I’m 40, so I’m not judging, just offering to help.

This guy, Carson King is mid 20’s, so it started as a joke, then went viral and ta-da, he wound up with a million bucks.  Seriously.  He decided to donate the entire thing to the Children’s Hospital in Iowa that is famous for the Iowa football team waving to them during the game, as it overlooks the stadium.  Anheuser-Busch even stepped in a donated, plus offered him a year’s worth of Busch Light (either $140 or if Carson drank like I did in college, $23,134).  What a great story, right?

WELL THEN THE MEDIA TOOK OVER.  A newspaper report named Aaron Calvin decided, for some reason, to dig back seven years into Carson’s Twitter and found two racist tweets that allegedly were retweets/posts from Tosh.0.  (Daniel Tosh is a comic known for his edgy material.)  Busch beer pulled the endorsement and Carson King was shamed.  The paper, the Des Moines register, then came under fire for what many viewed as an unnecessary shaming.  The dude could’ve kept the million, but a reporter dug and exposed two tweets from when the guy was 16.  It poisoned the whole story.  Carson did jump out in front when he realized they were going to include them in the story, but it was damage done.

WELL THEN PEOPLE PUSHED BACK and found out the reporter had a MULTITUDE of trash posts on his feed.  Aaron had made posts about the n word, homosexuals including the f word and even threw in a “Fuck the NYPD” for good measure because they arrested a rapper he was fond of.  World shattering, no, but a perfect example of hypocrisy and Mr. Calvin didn’t donate a million to a kids’ hospital.  He was then fired and claimed to be a victim of “right wing ideology” like women and persons of color.  He is officially more hateable now for saying that than he was for exposing Carson in the first place, although in fairness, the paper thought it important to include that in the final story, or Aaron wouldn’t have also been investigated.

The moral of the story?  Internet works both ways, dummy.  Sadly, some people don’t get this.  The New York Times has had several reporters get noticed for anti Jewish posts in the past month and you would think the world’s most recognizable paper would be a little diligent with its own, since, you know, they are in the business of reporting.  But hey, I’m not a reporter so I go to research things I just violently crap myself and pass out.  Oh and as for Carson’s donation?  It’s now over three million bucks according to two sources I just looked up.  ON THE INTERNETS.

The ability to comment on new stories – If it’s a new story, why is there a comments section?  I say ban the comments and make people start up a newspaper or blog.  This would keep people from turning a story about pet adoption into a racial or political quagmire.

Sparkling water – Do you like water?  Do you like water that tastes like a Sprite Zero that’s been left out on the counter for three days?  Then have a refreshing sparkling water!

Plain yogurt – seriously, what does vanilla add?  Like 2 calories?  Plain yogurt is like, well, I wouldn’t know, but it’s bad.  Let’s try this one, snot mixed with a 9 volt battery.  It’s awful and I don’t care how much crap you add to it.

85% of kid’s YouTube shows – I had no idea this world existed until a few years ago, but there’s one for example where some weird nasal-voiced white guy goes “Whooooooooaaaaa” everytime he sees something, usually a different color.  I haven’t sat down and watched, but his voice alone makes me want to forcibly remove his vocal chords.  “It’s a blue ball.  Whoooooooooaaaaaaa!!!!!  And a red one!  Whooooooaaaaa!!!”  I’m actually angry just typing this.