CHRIS COEN

When I was a kid, I had a very vivid nightmare where one of those dream people you’ve never seen before, but know very well in your dream, was trying to suffocate me. It was bizarre and I still remember almost every detail. My nightmares are a little different now.

The other night I awoke in a huff – in my dream our Disney+ account was locked and the only way to unlock it was to watch every single show once to prove it was ours. My daughter was yelling for her favorite movie while I was drudging through Disney’s toddler cartoons. It was the worst nightmare I’ve ever had. I have time…maybe…for three shows a week in a good week and here I was plugging through Puppy Dog Pals season two in my dream. Next thing, I will have a nightmare where my dryer makes the clothes dirty again or I have to hand mop the floor nightly. Give me the suffocation guy, please.

We got Disney, for the kids, of course, so I thought it was important to leave a customer review, since you may be considering it as a Christmas gift for your kids or yourself or your cat or whatever.

PRICE – Amazing deal. It is less than ten bucks a month, so if you rent a movie online, it’s usually $3 at a minimum. I’m not a math professor, but that’s good deal. BUT CHRIS I ALREADY OWN EVERY DISNEY MOVIE. Best part, you don’t have to get off your ass and put the DVD in! Worth every penny. 5/5

SELECTION – Dozens of Marvel movies, plus about every Pixar film and literally hundreads of Disney movies, from the the animated classics (Lion King, Snow White, etc.) to live action (Willow, all the corny ones you didn’t know Disney made), plus Star Wars (you take the good, you take the bad). Pretty solid…although the original programming right now is…the Mandalorian. It’s great, but they are releasing one episode a week like it’s 2003 over here. GIVE ME ALL DA EPISODES NAH. RIGHT NAH. 4.5/5

AVATAR PICTURES – No Captain America avatar? I had to go with Hulk like some kind of monster?! Clearly the folks at Disney are working for Hydra. 1/5 stars.

EASE OF USE – It’s broken down by categories, but PG film Wall-E doesn’t show up on my daughter’s profile. That’s annoying, but they quickly fixed the sound issue from day one I had where everything was a few seconds off and just as important, they were able to add the “resume watching” feature. The first few days you had to start from the beginning which you don’t realize is annoying until your life keeps interrupting a movie you’re trying to watch on your cell phone. 3.5/5

FEEDING THE BEAST – Disney is going to own us in ten years or less if Facebook doesn’t first. Giving them more money probably not ideal, but it may be worth it. Both of them are watching me type this right now. 3/5

LETTING ME WATCH STUFF (CAPTAIN AMERICA MOVIES) ON MY PHONE WITH SUBTITLES WHILE MY DAUGHTER WATCHES THE GOOD DINOSAUR FOR THE 800TH TIME – 5/5

KEEPING MY KIDS ENTERTAINED SO I CAN GET STUFF DONE – Can you feed them also? Change diapers? 4/5

In summation, I really like it and great job to me for cutting cable so I can subscribe to a bunch of crap that is pretty much saving me no money now. 2/5 to myself for being dumb, 4.5/5 to Disney Plus.

I get that question ALL THE TIME. The answer is yes…but I have no time to write anything down. ‘Member in school they always talked about time management? I was the best at it. In college, I was the weirdo that was hammering out work the same afternoon to get it done. I never all night crammed one time in four years because I took meticulous notes and figured if I didn’t know it from working at it, I wasn’t going to be tired and not know it. This isn’t bragging; it’s just to tell you having kids takes whatever time management ability you have, laughs at it, gives it a swirlie and stuffs it in a locker.

What has happened that is funny? My daughter talks about poop and pee and vaginas all day, every day. She sings songs about robots being eaten by tigers that she makes up. She changes reality to win arguments and when she dresses herself, it’s seat belt worthy. My son isn’t overly verbal yet, but he farts like a 45 year old truck driver, dances like he’s on the Grind (obviously my dance show knowledge is limited to 90’s MTV) and growls and grunts like a cave creature. “Oh I bet you just pound out the jokes, then!” THERE’S NO TIME. I have a roast/debate show tomorrow and I wrote on a plane, on my lunch break one day last week (haven’t had a lunch since) and while running at 6 am. This isn’t to generate sympathy, it’s just me saying if one more person says it to me, you’re going to hear a pop and a hiss, then see my brain oozing out of my ears. The next time I hear it, I’m going to say, “Great call! Now go babysit my kids so I can bring you all this low hanging fruit.”

When I was younger and more ambitious, I did a ton of road work for comedy. In 2009, between work and comedy, I put over 40,000 miles on my car. I wouldn’t recommend it. One big irony of doing road work is that more people attend comedy shows in horrible weather, so the amount of gigs is larger by far in the winter than the summer, which is fun when you’re in towns with no cell service.

For those that don’t know, when you start traveling there are two types of shows. Showcases for other comics that pay like $14 because there’s 8 comics booked in a larger city or the town of 5,000 where there’s a feature (you) and headliner (a really angry person making more than you) and an emcee (a local guy reading internet jokes off a piece of paper, but he knows the owner). The latter was my wheelhouse for years.

I drove with a friend in six inches of snow to a gig. We had to print Mapquest directions because the GPS was so antiquated. As we saw the exit approach, I depressed the brakes…and slid about 400 yards on the highway in Michigan. I came to a stop and realized we hadn’t seen a car in 45 minutes, so I just backed up and went down the exit. I bet turnout will be great tonight! Another time I agreed to do shows in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan the week after Christmas. There was well over a foot of snow when I pulled into Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan. There was so much snow, in fact, when I stopped, I got stuck and had to put a towel under my tire, so I decided not to stop. I just went slow and planned ahead for intersections and lights. The show was at a Casino, so I thought it would be fancy, until I walked in and it was in a cafeteria with no stage or lights. I just had a microphone and was talking to 12 people in a cafeteria like a maniac. If I had been there the next week, I would’ve seen Bubba Sparxx. Oh damn the fates!

Driving lengthwise across the UP in Michigan the next day was an experience. I had another casino gig in Milwaukee, so I took the world’s most depressing drive. At this point, the snow was up to 16″ in some spots and the road was so covered, only the middle of the two lane highway was clear. You would think driving down the middle of a highway was bad, but I saw one car on average every 20 minutes, so I had a harrowing 34 seconds every 20 minutes where I had to pass someone just as shocked as me to see another living person. I saw at least 15 closed gas stations, so if the zombie virus outbreak happens, stay the hell out of the Upper Peninsula, unless you need lumber and nothing else. I made it to the gig, though and bombed in front of less than ten people for two shows. The two shows were so poorly attended, I began to miss the cafeteria and the drive of depression. Ah, show business.

Here’s the good thing about Daylight Savings: you get one more hour of sleep…if you’re single and childless. Wow.

Here’s the bad: if you work, you have to work more. If you like the hour, you lose it in six months, so don’t wet your pants yet, Skippy. The unnecessary time shift makes it so the sun sets at 5:30-6:30 for the entire winter/late fall, so when 80% of the country gets off work, it’s pitch black. NO ONE NEEDS THE SUN UP THAT EARLY, FARMERS WORK LATE ALSO. Plus how many farmers are involved in this decision? How many non-farmers? I’m all for farmers, but even if every single one needs daylight savings, hows about we all chip in and buy them head lamps and keep the sun from being forced to set before we know what food we shove down our gullets that evening.

Daylight savings stinks and if you like it, you’re a vampire and we should hunt you down during the five minutes of sun we have now and drive a stake into your tiny, little heart.

We signed up our daughter for a sports class.  She is learning basic fundamentals, listening to a coach and most importantly, burning off any and all extra energy so Mom and Dad can sleep.  There’s a younger class just before ours and after watching it, the coach should get a medal.  It’s 2-3 year olds running around like they’re on fire, but enjoying it.  He has to corral them and attempt to teach them to kick and jump.  I’d rather train a cobra to be leash trained.

One kid stood out as we waited for the class to end.  He was sprinting around screaming, “DON’T EAT MY FOOTBALL!”  His dad was half-assed following him around while his mom kept yelling, “Scott!  Scott!  Scott!  Scott!” and pointing at the kid.  The dad had this look on his face like he was one more “Scott!” away from going to the store for smokes and never coming back.  Finally, Scott had to chase down the other kid they had and his son that was really worried about his football becoming a snack ran up and ripped the last ball from another small kid, who began scream crying, “HE TOOK MY BALL!!!”  The mugging was swift and violent and the mugged kid’s mom came over to console him.  Scott’s wife started up with another round of Scott!  Scott! but he was taking the other kid to the potty.

What happened next was like out of a movie.  She stood up, looking left and right as if for a sign, then shuffled over to her son and weakly muttered something about taking a ball.  Her kid looked at her and took off.  She then meekly approached the victim of the highwayman son she made and whispered, “Sorry.”  Then she went and sat down.  It was like the polar opposite of the hillbilly lady at Wal-Mart that is smacking her kool-aid stained heathens.  It didn’t work, in case you were wondering.  The meltdown wasn’t appeased by the sentiment.

Make my kid apologize?  Nah, that will just agitate the beast.  Take the ball away to show him it’s not rewarding to take a toy like Hitler annexed Czechoslovakia in 1938?  Nope, Neville Chamberlain mom has got this!  Appease and hope it goes away.  If you are reading about a monster teen knocking off liquor stores in 14 years, I think I know who it is.  Now excuse me as I research how much whiskey you can give a 20 month old, my son has woke up at 1:30-3 am for five straight nights.