CHRIS COEN

We took the kids to cartoon day at the zoo.  It was uncommonly hot, plus chasing two kids around the animals and hillbillies wears a man down, so I grabbed a beer and got my wife a cider.  She took them to look at stuffed animals and I realized Batman and Robin were coming up and had the longest line.  I jumped in line so the little rugrats could see the Dark Knight.  After about ten minutes, I was getting closer and closer to the front of the line.  I looked around and realized I was a 40 year old man, double fisting alcohol, standing by himself in a line full of seven year olds and younger to see Batman.

As the line got closer, I began to get more and more aware of the shame, so I texted my wife and thankfull, my daughter showed up about a minute before it was really awkward.

She hugged Batman and Robin, so a life of crime is probably not in her future.  Crap, I was hoping to retire early.

I try not to blog about movies until they’re out of Blu-Ray (see previous blog about spoiler people…OK, who am I kidding, you won’t read it.  Synopsis: they suck).  Avengers: Endgame was the biggest movie of all time by box office receipts and the culmination of over ten years and I believe nineteen other Marvel movies.  Pretty impressive accomplishment…until you read online comments.

First problem the uber nerds had?  Time travel.  They consulted multiple scientists, but guys who work the graveyard shift at Speedway feel it necessary to go on and trash how time travel was portrayed.  Here’s a thought from another non-scientist – maybe find out from say, real time travel, how wrong they were before commenting BECAUSE IT DOESN’T EXIST YET OR PROBABLY EVER.  Arguing time travel is misrepresented for these losers is like them arguing about sex or what it would be like to not live in their parent’s basement – irrelevant as it won’t ever happen.

Second issue, aka the “Game of Thrones” argument.  “I would have done _____ differently.”  I saw a lot of that.  Not in a wistful way, but in a “I know everything” way.  Cool, then when does your movie come out?  OH THAT’S RIGHT YOU WILL NEVER PRODUCE, ACT IN OR DIRECT ONE.  SHUT YOUR HOLE.

Lastly, an extension of the previous one, the “Well, I liked until that ONE part.  That ONE part of a three hour movie ruined my day and life.”  I saw people trash the movie because of one issue, like when Captain America picked up Thor’s hammer it had lightning and that’s only for Thor since he’s the God of Thunder.  Never mind it’s actually in the comics, Randy from Mulberry Township has this everyone!   He’s the creator of…oh no, he isn’t.  Well, he’s a writer for…nope, actually not that either.  He’s a…um…guy with a laptop!  Oh man, time to listen!

The point is to go enjoy things for what they are or claw your eyes our and jam hot sticks into your ears so these traumatic events like fun movies don’t ruin your life.  I’ll choose to enjoy things as much as I can.

I had nearly pushed it from my mind, but thanks to Facebook memories, I was able to recall my Georgia show in 2012.  Back then, I was at the tail end of I’ll do any show at all in my comedy career.  I was offered a gig that barely covered gas, but my dad offered to split the driving and go on the road with me.

I got to the show in Savannah, Georgia, on Labor Day weekend and the bar had forgotten to 1) book the hotel or 2) promote the show.  After ten hours of driving, nothing like having no hotel to stretch your legs or shower before a show.  They found a hotel almost 30 miles away, but the lovely lady behind the desk wouldn’t take the bar’s card, so I had to front the money.  Nothing is scarier for a touring/traveling comic than getting a check from a shady bar, but having to cover the hotel is a close second.

The show finally kicked off and I did alright for the eleven people there, but then the bar wrote me a check for the hotel and the gig and I was sure I was getting stuck.  The headliner that night was Andy D, a guy who in all honesty looked like Kenny Powers but more white trashy.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hukwN47gvA

After watching a shirtless man in Zubaz pants dancing and wearing a repurposed Nintendo power glove, my dad said something along the lines of, “So this is what you do, huh?”  I had no rebuttal.  I was outside having a cigarette when a tall guy wearing cowboy hat told me after a brief exchange that comedians were the most miserable people he had ever met.  Well, you’re not wrong, Tex, you’re not wrong.

I haven’t had time to blog, but I saw Iron Maiden on the Legacy of the Beast tour a couple weeks ago in Cincinnati and it was absolutely incredible.  We got down to the hotel and from the time we left to the concert managed to cram about four albums in.  We called an Uber were ready to roll.  The driver proceeded to kill our mood by playing tribal folk music the whole way there and taking the wrong route.  We did see this guy though.

For those that don’t know Iron Maiden, what is wrong with you?  Also, four of the five members have been playing together since 1982, three since 1980.  Their live show was like listening to a remastered album but with WW2 planes, swordfights and huge Eddie characters, plus fire.  They played ALL classic songs, from Aces High and the Trooper to Flight of Icarus and the Clansman (as Bruce yelled from the stage, for those of you who didn’t finish high school, that’s Clansman with a C, not a K – it’s about William Wallace).

The best part of the show is they announced they are planning another tour, so there’s that little insider nugget for all of you.  If you haven’t heard the best live band in rock history, you still have time to correct your mistake.  Steve Harris playing bass alone is worth the ticket.  Plus I picked up this bad Oscar.

 

I got the audio file on my appearance on Sirius/XM’s “Ultimate Sinner” on Ozzy’s Boneyard, the classic hard rock/heavy metal station.  It was fun, but probably more stressful than anything I’ve done in a while.  I had to record the breaks, which with two kids under five at home is impossible, so I did in on my lunch break one day at work.  I think I re-recorded about 14 times and still managed to not be happy with it, but here it is.

We had a rather harrowing week trying to find a new nanny/sitter for our kids and had just completed our search after much back and forth, interviewing, resume reading, etc.  Finally time to relax, get the kids (who didn’t nap) to bed and get ready for the week.  I let our dog about 9 pm one last time and she quickly returned to the door.  I opened the door and noticed two things simultaneously: the dog shaking her head and a noxious evil filling the air.  A skunk had sprayed my dog in my own back yard.

I immediately got our dog back outside, but it was too late and powerful beyond words.  Everyone in America has smelled a skunk, yet has no idea of the difference of driving down the road and yelling “Ew!  A skunk!” and actually being in the blast zone.  My wife was upstairs and down the hall bathing my son and yelled “What is that smell?”  My daughter, also upstairs, began screaming “It smells bad, I don’t like it!”  It’s like burning rubber, not the too fast at a stop light kind, more the dump full of dozens of tires is doused in gasoline and burns for a week variety.

Chaos ensued, with my wife gathering the kids up to evacuate and me frantically searching the internet for a solution.  The answer apparently is 1) Hydrogen Peroxide 2) Dish soap and 3) Baking soda which mercifully I had.  The other answer is women’s douche, but my vagina is flawless so I don’t need that around the house.  The stench was so strong, I had to bring the dog around front and clean her there.  It is truly amazing how the skunk smell invades everything.  It pools in closets, rooms and anywhere in the house.  I had to open every door and then window, of course once the initial blast had migrated from the house.

I then spent my life savings on Febreeze and vinegar and was up until 1 am combating the vileness by bathing the dog twice more in the high school science project mixture.  Thankfully, the house was acceptable, but the dog, not so much.  I called the vet for advice the next day.  “Make sure you go outside with your dog.”  Cool, so I can get sprayed also.  Great tip.  How long will the smell last?  “In your house, up to 21 days.  (I blacked out a little)  On your dog, several months.”  I’m sorry, I thought you said several months.  “Yes, up to that long, even if professionally groomed.”  (Blacks out again)  So if anyone wants to borrow a dog or organize an elite skunk murder team, please direct message me.