Comedy coach: For Hire

Monday night I was part of the “Last Realtor Standing.”  It’s a show/fundraiser where local realtors pair up with a coach and perform stand-up comedy.  I’ve done it three times and “we” won once only because my partner removed his shirt and did a headstand.  I didn’t coach that part, so in other words, my quarterback called an audible and we won the game.

I also did a set after my coachee or whatever the term is and had a great set, finished up and went to grab a beer.  A man approached me fairly quickly afterwards.  “Do you guys do this…you’re local right?”  Yes, I began to explain I live in Columbus and before I got much else out he said, “Like here?  I’ve never seen you and I come here all the time.”  The little enthusiasm I have for talking to strangers evaporated like a drop of sweat in the desert.  We are not off to a good start.

I started to explain more of what I do just out of the need to move to the conversation forward and he spoke again, “I mean do you guys coach comedy, like all the time?  Like, can I hire you?”  Now, ten years ago, I would have talked to this idiot for an hour and tried to set something up.  I may be less ambitious now, but I am way more experienced.  I asked flat out, “Have you ever been onstage?”  “No, that is what I need help with.  I’m terrified of going up.”  This is the biggest annoyance of doing comedy.  I have wasted more time with people who “want to try comedy” than anything and they NEVER get onstage.

“Well, if you can’t get onstage, there’s no use wasting my time or yours.”  He looked dejected, much as I probably looked talking in circles with him.  “I just need help getting up there.”  So I offered this, “I used to give out advice all the time, but if you can’t get onstage at an open mic in front of 15-20 people, there’s no point in wasting my time or yours.  If you told me you did it once, I would give you tips for free.  Here’s my only advice about getting up there: no one wants to do it.  Everyone in the crowd is also terrified of being onstage, they give you a bit of respect as long as you don’t blow it.  If you can just do it, trust me, no one will remember your name good or bad after one set unless you take your pants off or punch the emcee.”  He didn’t look satisfied.  “So you wouldn’t coach me for a fee?”  “No chance.  I would be stealing your money.  If you can’t get onstage, it’s wasting our time to talk about what you would do up there.”  He walked away awkwardly and said thanks.  If he and I both live to be 150, he will still never get onstage.  I guarantee it.