Author: Chris

If you’re coming to a comedy blog for how we got here, you’re probably not doing as bad as some sites I guess.  A player named Colin Kaepernick sat, then knelt for the National Anthem last year to raise awareness/protest the shootings/violence by cops against the black community.  It began to spread slowly, the media got rock hard over it because they got ratings and then Trump decided to pour mouth gas on the fire and now everyone is either a secret racist or hates America.  Make sense?  Probably not.

I’ll keep it to some bullet points (mostly) to keep this from being a seven page thesis.

Trump can’t make the NFL players stand up.  If you think he can, you’re either a Trumpophile that thinks he can do anything or someone that hovers over leftist conspiracy blog sites.

If you have never watched an entire NFL game, please don’t make yourself look stupid talking about how cool football is now.  Trust me, the NFL doesn’t benefit by scrapping all their blue collar die-hard lifers to get the green tea sipping hippie demographic that watched the Super Bowl once ironically.

If you think freedom of speech applies everywhere in all situations, start screaming at your job tomorrow about abortion one way or another and see what your boss or HR thinks about your freedom of speech.  Also, read the Bill of Rights.  It’s not very long.  Oh, and be sure to consider that the NFL doesn’t allow players to wear different shoes or longer towels than the standards.  I’ve been in an NFL locker room.  They have rules and even, no kidding, pictures of what they have to wear.  Rules about how they have to act.  They prevent players from wearing non-sanctioned messages; even against domestic violence or helmet stickers after the five cops were shot last year in Dallas.

If you think protests are dumb, don’t think your NFL boycott is going to matter.  Protest the protest!  Actually, neither is doing much right now except pissing off the other side.  At this point, they’re in too deep and this protest last week was more about Trump’s comments than police controversy.

If you suddenly care about how to treat the flag, but support burning it, you’re an ass.  A hypocritical ass, at that.  Don’t act like you’re offended by a guy wearing a flag shirt when you like burning the actual flag.

The Steelers staying in the locker room is probably the smartest thing they could have done – avoid pissing off patriotic fans, don’t have some standing and others kneeling…and they still got killed for it.  Also, of course Alejandro Villanueva should have stood, he’s a former Army Ranger.  He also shouldn’t have had to apologize for it.  If you support kneeling, you should support standing.  It deflated me to hear him have to backtrack after being the only one standing, no matter why he did.

ESPN personalities can take their opinions and shove them – Jemele Hill basically calling out Dez Bryant a few weeks ago is a serious overreach for someone in her position, whatever you think about Dez or her.  It’s his choice what he wants or feels like he has to do.  (Look it up, I’m not linking to it.)

Trump didn’t help anything.  He riled up a base…and lit this whole thing ablaze, especially after getting down in the mud on the Warriors visiting the White House.  If you think athletes should shut up about politics, you should think Trump has more important shit to worry about other than Tweeting about sports.

Here’s one that really pissed me off.  I saw a couple pals on Facebook said when vets kneel, it will blow up the whole narrative that kneeling offends vets.  Guess what?  Some vets support the right to kneel during the anthem and others are offended.  Vets, like every other group of individuals are different.  I know a lot of vets that are offended, angry and hurt by the kneeling.  Should we tell them they are wrong?  One vet condemning the action or supporting should be weighed out, but clearly both sides in the veteran world are valid and don’t then invalidate each other.  No one person speaks for everyone period.

The issue of police violence towards the black community is very serious.  Once again, I’m tired of all police and all black people being lumped in to one uniform group.  I also think each case has its own facts.  The Philando Castile shooting was way different than Michael Brown.  I have no idea why there wasn’t a conviction in some of the cases; in others I have no idea how there was enough to even charge, but I largely feel I can’t comment on a trial and someone’s death by reading an article here or there.  Also, I have heard a lot of people say, “There’s far more violence against black people from other black people than from cops.”  This is a fact, as it is of any group for that matter, but there is a higher standard, a sacred trust given to authority to be better, so it does matter when things happen.  Thomas Jefferson said it was better for nine guilty men to go free than one innocent man to be convicted.  Ultimately, though, it doesn’t matter to the victims who are dead.  We need to have higher standards – no one supports shootings and killings from any group outside of rank psychopaths.

I think sometimes we get caught up in how to get there.  I hear anger and frustration from all sides, but not really any solutions. Most are probably a little right and a little (or a lot) wrong and some have hidden agendas, whether racism or exploiting death for personal power or monetary gain.  I don’t have the answers, but blanket blaming an entire group isn’t solving anything, it’s making it worse.  My two year old daughter has a song she likes where the kids are walking in a jungle and they yell, STOP!  LISTEN!  Maybe we should take their advice and I think this country would be a lot farther along on this and a lot of other issues.

I support anyone’s right to be heard, no matter how damn stupid or annoying they are.  I think there is a tremendous amount of passion on this also.  I just don’t support the manner in which it is being done.  Yes, lives are more important than a flag, but it’s not that basic and deep down I think most know that.  I went to Washington, D.C. with my parents nine years ago.  My dad said he wanted to view the Vietnam War memorial on his own.  He found the names he was looking for and I can tell you, I didn’t look long.  What I saw from him shook me to the core and it wasn’t just him and it wasn’t just at that war memorial.  You can make your snarky posts about patriotism.  You can question this war and that one, I agree most war is senseless and we have sent a lot of fine men to their graves for political causes.  This moment in our culture, the playing of National Anthem, even if it’s been pumped up by the Department of Defense as a recruiting tool, means something to a lot of people.  (You should also be riled up by the fact the NFL doesn’t actually give any money for breast cancer also – both are largely for optics.)  I have seen two family members pass away from cancer related to Agent Orange and it was devastating.  I have heard and seen the legacy of war on a man, in friends and family.  I don’t attack an athlete for the cause or the protest; I just hate the moment it’s done in.  And if you don’t see it that way, that’s your opinion, but I have one too.  I would rather see actual action over symbolism – now a congresswoman is kneeling?  Do your damn job and quit pandering.

I have only one more thing on this and I realize some reading will disagree with me vehemently on several points, but I refuse to compromise on one.  If you choose to use this moment not to bolster the cause you strongly believe in and use it to mock our veterans and to a lesser degree the pride that some of us feel, quite frankly, you can go and fuck yourself sideways.

I bought my wife tickets for Bruno Mars what felt like 7 years ago, but last night was finally the night.  If it’s a big name, you have about 14 minutes to buy tickets online when they release a half a year or more before the concert.  Better than Janet Jackson whom I bought tickets for orignally, who then got preggers in her 50’s and postponed the concert, so the ticket company rescheduled for a vacation we had planned, then postponed again and finally refunded my money after a year.  (She then rescheduled the concert a week later.)  We went to show, me knowing five Bruno Mars songs and her in the 2nd trimester – party time for the Coens!

Something called Dua Lipa was the opener.  I think I had Dua Lipa once, but there’s a cream for that, so I’m OK now.  Turns out she’s a British singer.  Well, you learn something new every day…or once a season for me.  She sang well, but I didn’t know one song of hers.  I had a nine dollar beer though, so I didn’t really care if her backup band was cranking jack in the boxes for the beats.

After a big stage setup, Bruno came out.  I will say this, I may not listen to pop or R&B or whatever isn’t heavy metal often, but he is very talented and his band was also top notch.  His keyboardist played Beethoven (my wife told me that) and they were all dancing in sync (not N Sync, I have my limits) which reminded of a 60’s Motown group.  I also didn’t know Bruno played guitar, but he didn’t play any Megadeth or Black Sabbath covers, so I really don’t know why he bothered to pull it out.  He also didn’t yell “O-H!” like 95% of the bands I’ve seen in Ohio, so he got points there.  He lost points for wearing shorts onstage because I am not allowed by rule to do that in comedy and it’s not fair, because I can sweat in 48 degree temperatures.

I was probably most fascinated by the pedicab we took back to the car.  Some guy that looked like a roadie for Puddle of Mudd – Puddle of Mudd now, not 2004 Puddle of Mudd, was pedaling like a beast.  I realized I should probably pick up a side job doing that, since my workout now is picking up the same toys for 3 hours and I don’t get paid shit for that.  I think my wife had a good time, which was all that mattered to me, plus I also got her Ed Sheeran tickets for her birthday, so I think she owes me a flight to England to see Iron Maiden or should arrange a Pantera reunion show with Zakk Wylde on lead guitar.  I just wait for her to take of that after the baby is born, of course, I’m not unreasonable.

There was a very long line at the grocery and so I perused the magazines.  The most loud and in your face cover belonged to Star, which was all about celebrity beach bodies.  It was as ridiculous as I thought it would be.

First off the Kardashians were on the cover – Kim, wearing a thong with a caption about her rump and Kourtney wearing a bikini with side and bottom boob hanging.  That one was great, because the caption said something about having a nice body despite having three kids.  That’s really nice, I mean, showing off side boob in front of your kids aside, work it girl!  Never mind scarring up to three children!

Another fun one was Antonio Banderas – the caption made fun of his jelly belly.  I looked it up on my phone.  Antonio Banderas is 57 years old.  WHOA LOOK AT OLD FAT BELLY, HOW DARE HE NOT ROCK A SIX PACK AT NEARLY SIX DECADES!  WHAT A LUMP OF DUMP!

All the other magazines were about Angelina Jolie doing great or terrible and the English Royal family.  Are these all owned by the same company?  I thought back to a week ago when I heard a Yale student saying they shouldn’t name a building after Ben Franklin – since it was a brokerage firm.  I know now we are doomed, but at least when the nation falls, I’ll know how that Steven Tyler isn’t very toned at 69 or whatever he is.

The title is what goes through my head every 14 seconds normally, but even more when I watch one of those house finder shows.  The premise is the same each time; couple looking for houses and one wants something stupid and the other wants something dumber.  Here’s some examples that were on while I was picking up my daughter’s toys, which she promptly dumps on the ground immediately after I pick them up, much like Tantalus from Greek mythology.  For his crimes, every time he reached for fruit, the tree bent just out of reach.  That’s how it is picking up after a toddler.

One couple was moving to Spain after they fell in love with a town there.  The woman was all about “being right in the action!”  She was 60.  What “action” is there at 60.  Going to run down to the techno club at midnight and rip some lines?  Enough with the “action” – yuck.

The next one the couple was 100% focused on two sinks in the craproom.  I can tell you, I don’t want to be anywhere near my wife when she’s getting ready.  She feels the same about me.  I think we can take the extra four minutes and have one sink.  I don’t need to play, “Is that another damn back hair?” while someone is standing next to me judging me.

Then there’s the ol’ “WE HAVE, I MEAN HAVE, TO HAVE A HUGE KITCHEN!” people.  I hate these people most.  Another couple had no kids and we relentlessly talking about needed more counter space and a huge island and a wine rack and…there’s two of you.  You need an oven, a fridge and a sink.  You’ll be OK.  I’m sure the actual three times a month you “cook” by tossing a frozen casserole in the oven or make those enormous meals for two anorexic adults that take up three inches of counter space will be OK, especially when you cook a meal once every 3 weeks.

I wasn’t going to write anything about 9/11; it’s been talked about so much, I thought, what could I possibly say that hasn’t been covered.  Then I read an article I hadn’t before…which lead to another one…and another.  I realized how crucial it is to revisit these things from time to time.

The first story was about trying to identify a Twin Towers jumper that a photographer who had been on a photo shoot for wedding models that morning took.  He captured a man, who looked perfectly calm, plunging headlong into his own death.  The quest for his identity opened up a festering sore with the family of the man that was identified; one “reporter” even went as far as to approach the man’s daughter at his funeral, thinking he was helping bring closure to the family.  Turns out it wasn’t even him, the family was ravaged by rage over the thought their father/husband didn’t fight to get out and it was finally overturned due to a another reporter doing better investigative work.  As a side, the story mentioned how the true number of jumpers was hidden by certain media outlets, like the New York Times, to lessen the blow with all the emotions that come from suicide.

I don’t know how I’ve never seen it, but I then read about a man who made it down 81 floors to safety.  He was in the bathroom, making jokes about a new restroom sign, when the building lurched and all hell broke loose.  Gas lines started fires, rubble and debris fell, doors wedged shut from being shifted.  They kicked in the women’s room to help a co-worker get out, then began their descent.  Some jokes, some panic and the horrifying realization of seeing bodies begin to accumulate.  At the end, he stopped to help a man administer CPR and it nearly cost him his life.  The building began to collapse and by fortune, he wasn’t killed and wound up next a firefighter with an axe.  He escaped and described the sound of thousands of lives being extinguished at once.  His eyes swelled shut as over 140 shards of fiberglass hit them during the collapse.  He went on the describe a strange residue he kept finding in his ears over the next few weeks and was sure it was at least in some part, the obliterated bodies of those who were killed.

I read about first responders who were killed, one firefighter by a falling jumper even, of all things.  Stories everywhere about updates on families – kids who lost parents of all ages when it happened, from infants that would never meet their fathers or mothers, school age kids who now woke up with one parent where there were two the day before.  I read about Congress playing games with medical funding; tying the funds into other pork bills, then acting outraged when some voted against it (or politicians holding it up while people suffered – depending on your perspective).  Lastly, I read about the crushing realities afterwards – we built the Empire State Building in one year and some change, it took until this year to rebuild a church destroyed that day.  Thanks to human greed, politics and infighting, it took over a decade to rebuild the site again with the Freedom Tower.

Even now, with hurricanes pounding the shores across the southern US, there are alternately looters on one hand and on the other, people raising money and having food drives across the country.  I saw a story about a woman that stabbed her one year daughter to death two days after reading about a cop that drowned in Harvey’s flood waters trying to help others.  I took in an article about a dad that was shot in a carjacking while his two year old daughter was in the backseat not long after reading the local paper’s insert about local heroes, including a girl who had organized tens of thousands of books to be given to the less fortunate and a suicide hotline volunteer who had saved dozens of lives.

I could try and make some salient point; tie in some enlightened wisdom and then pat myself on the back for a thought well constructed, but the last week’s worth of information for me was dark and hopeful; depressing and uplifting on a roller coaster that is the human experience.  Great suffering caused by nature and humankind and then rebuilding of spirit as life moves on, healing but always scarred.  I learned we should revisit these things; we should make ourselves read these stories.  It is right and important we know of tragedy so we can appreciate life and the strength of the mortal soul and to recognize the depths of evil that the same species has the capacity for.  Finally, to remember that some aren’t able to click another article or read about incredible horror and then move on from these things.  Hopefully that is something I don’t forget anytime soon.

People often think comedy is all fun and laughing until you pee and do cartwheels and whiskey inspired karaoke, but here’s some things I hate about it.  I also hate the term pet peeve, but that’s for another time.

1. People ask when your next show is every four minutes.  NO ONE EVER COMES THAT ASKS.  Someone could be all, “When’s your next show?”  I could be all, “In your next door neighbor’s front yard!”  They would be all, “OH!  I’LL BE THERE!”  Then they move on purpose.

2. Even worse?  The “remind me when your next show is” person.  “When’s your next show?”  Actually, it’s next Friday at blah blah blah at blah pm at blah west 2nd St.  “I’LL BE THERE!  Just make sure you invite me on Facebook, then text me and call me, and I’M IN BABY!”  I just told you.  Why don’t you put a reminder on your phone?  “I CAN’T FUNCTION PLEASE SEND A CARRIER PIGEON AND SMOKE SIGNALS AND THEN PICK ME UP AND BUY ME DINNER AND CHANGE MY DIAPER AND I’M THERE FOR YOU BRO.”  Never mind, I quit comedy.

3. Other comedians.  Most comics are fine people.  Others are a genus akin to something you an exterminator about when you see it in your house.  Some go 15 minutes long on a Tuesday show where there are five people in the crowd, but they work three days a week, so screw you!  Some will beg you to book them on a show, then be late, cancel on you, or never help promote the show.  They put up 14 posts about politics a day, promote open mics they’re not going to, but your show?  Too busy.  The world has to know what I think about North Korea.

4. People that ask you to book a show for them with absolutely no concept of your free time.  “Hey, you know any comics that will do my show in Butthump, West Virgina?”  Um, are you paying me a booking fee?  “NOPE!”  OK, let me reach out to 37 comics while I’m fixing dinner for my kid and then argue pay and start time and set time for you.  Need me to do your taxes?  Build a deck?  After all, I’m a comic, so I can do it all, my friend.  You just sit back and enjoy.  OH!  Be sure to complain afterwards the comic was too dirty or wasn’t funny enough.  Take it out of my non-existent booking fee.