People often think comedy is all fun and laughing until you pee and do cartwheels and whiskey inspired karaoke, but here’s some things I hate about it. I also hate the term pet peeve, but that’s for another time.
1. People ask when your next show is every four minutes. NO ONE EVER COMES THAT ASKS. Someone could be all, “When’s your next show?” I could be all, “In your next door neighbor’s front yard!” They would be all, “OH! I’LL BE THERE!” Then they move on purpose.
2. Even worse? The “remind me when your next show is” person. “When’s your next show?” Actually, it’s next Friday at blah blah blah at blah pm at blah west 2nd St. “I’LL BE THERE! Just make sure you invite me on Facebook, then text me and call me, and I’M IN BABY!” I just told you. Why don’t you put a reminder on your phone? “I CAN’T FUNCTION PLEASE SEND A CARRIER PIGEON AND SMOKE SIGNALS AND THEN PICK ME UP AND BUY ME DINNER AND CHANGE MY DIAPER AND I’M THERE FOR YOU BRO.” Never mind, I quit comedy.
3. Other comedians. Most comics are fine people. Others are a genus akin to something you an exterminator about when you see it in your house. Some go 15 minutes long on a Tuesday show where there are five people in the crowd, but they work three days a week, so screw you! Some will beg you to book them on a show, then be late, cancel on you, or never help promote the show. They put up 14 posts about politics a day, promote open mics they’re not going to, but your show? Too busy. The world has to know what I think about North Korea.
4. People that ask you to book a show for them with absolutely no concept of your free time. “Hey, you know any comics that will do my show in Butthump, West Virgina?” Um, are you paying me a booking fee? “NOPE!” OK, let me reach out to 37 comics while I’m fixing dinner for my kid and then argue pay and start time and set time for you. Need me to do your taxes? Build a deck? After all, I’m a comic, so I can do it all, my friend. You just sit back and enjoy. OH! Be sure to complain afterwards the comic was too dirty or wasn’t funny enough. Take it out of my non-existent booking fee.
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