Author: Chris

I was never big on New Year’s Resolutions.  For example, I was motivated to lose more weight and I started in November this year.  Of course, the flu helped jump start those plans into third gear and the holiday glutton fest I had hurt, so maybe I should have waited.  Oh well.  I thought about realistic resolutions and here goes.

Read more.  Aka put more books in the bathrooms at home.  I have two kids under four, let’s face it, I’m not reading nothing no how unless I can grab the flu again and have squirreled away some books.

Eat less sugar.  In other words, let my kids eat their treats or toss them in the trash.  If there was a calorie tracker for “food eaten because your kid didn’t finish that” my 2018 would have been off the charts.  Waste not, want not, buy new belts.

Quit being nice to other comedians and barely Facebook friends who constantly trash aspects of who I am.  Whoa, Chris, that took a turn!  Yep.  Been sitting on this one for a while.  One more shithead posts about how awful people from small towns are and 2019 is the year I make sure they know the comments aren’t appreciated, in my own, sweet and caring way.  I’ll leave it at that without getting into more, but getting real tired of the do-gooders trashing anyone and everyone who isn’t in their category and acting tolerant.  Oh, and I’m not Jewish, but one more bigot puts something up remotely anti-Semitic, I’m calling them out.  I used to stay out of the muck, but it’s getting real tedious.  I bring that up because I saw a “comic” posting about tolerance then smash Jews for controlling all the money.  Made my stomach turn and won’t slide next time.  There’s an old saying “Don’t wrestle with a pig in the mud, after a while you realize the pig loves it.”  Oink, oink, scumbags.

Well, that got more serious than expected!  Maybe a few more for laughs.  Watch an entire movie or football game without stopping.  This one is up to my children.  Clean my car more (once) in 2019.  Throw out old socks for once.  My wife just peed a little with excitement reading that (she probably isn’t reading this).

Well, that’s it.  Happy New Year, except to the ones I’m going to kick in the nuts online.  Santa Chris knows if you’ve been good or bad because you post every stupid thought that goes through your head on my feed six times a day.

Young child Chris: “Boy, Christmas will never come!”  Adult Chris: “How the f@#! is it December already!”

Kid Chris: “I want new toys!”  Old grump Chris: “I want five minutes where no one needs something.  FIVE MINUTES.”

Whippersnapper Chris: “Hey!  Great grandpa took all my money playing cards!”  Midlife crisis Chris: “Do we have any money for food?  I just finished buying presents and I think all my cards are maxed.”

Tiny Tim Chris: “God bless us, everyone!”  Scrooge Chris: “If this scumbag thinks he’s stealing my parking spot, I’m going to split his lips in front of his wife.”*

*this is all year, in fairness

Whoville kid Chris: “Christmas music is pretty!”  Grinch Chris: “Does Megadeth have a Christmas album yet?”

Bright eyed young Chris: “Clothes?  Ah man, I hate getting clothes.”  Dull eyed old Chris: “Did I get any boxer briefs?  My entire crotch is gone from all my underwear except the one where the waistband has no elastic.”

Cherub Chris: “I hope there is candy at Grandma’s!”  Fat, not sober fallen angel Chris: “NO MORE COOKIES, I’M A FAT LUMP.  Ooh!  Scotch!”

Kid Chris: “This a magical time of year.”  Has kids Chris: “The kids better enjoy this magical shit!”

Christmas is almost upon us and my wife and I have different attitudes about it.  My wife had to set aside decorations by priority and do them in waves over three weeks.  She had to choose between which Santa cookie plate to set out with a matching cup – we have two sets.  There was talk of putting up a third tree, but thankfully, only two this year.  She got my daughter, not one, not two, but three advent calendars and the dog even has one now.  I woke up this morning thinking about how long it’s going to take to put all this crap away.

We were late with getting Christmas cards this year.  She told me, “We really have to get these out soon.”  My wife found time and texted me three screen shots – “Which one would you pick?”  I picked the last one and said “Order this one.”  Two more screen shots came over.  “Either of these?”  Yes, also good.  Order the last one.  More screen shots.  “Kids individual pictures or together?”  This was my face when the ninth ones came over after telling her three times to order previous ones.

The cards were finally ordered.  I saw what all she bought the kids and said, “We are going to have to getting rid of some of these toys.  We have too damn many in the house.”  This was her face when I said that.

I only shudder when I realize if my wife didn’t work a lot during the holiday season for her job, I would probably be decorated in lights and tinsel by now.  In the words of Alvin the Chipmunk, please Christmas don’t be late.

I’m wrapping up these “Oh God, I’m old and dying” blogs, but one that hit me this weekend was that half my life ago, I was in college.  When you turn 30 and think this, it doesn’t matter because being 15 sucks all the eggs.  You can’t drive, you’re awkward as a loud fart in public, and you generally have no idea about anything.  College, though?  WTF TIME, GET OFF MY NUTS.

Twenty years ago, I was a sophomore who had “retired” from football living with a “retired” soccer player.  By “retired”, I mean we found out we liked Busch Light and Marlboros more than concussions and running drills.  That guy, Camp, would eventually be the one that got me into stand-up comedy in 2007.  I lived in a house with 33 other guys and we had theme parties about every 2.5 days.  The one below was “Pimps and Prostitutes” hosted by the XAN sorority.

I had to reevaluate my entire diet thanks to beer having calories and a house cook that soaked everything in 4 pounds of buttery cooking grease called Whorl.  I was obnoxious, arrogant and opinionated about things that probably no one on earth cared about – more even than now!  Clinton was president and being investigated for the Lewinsky affair.  Horrible blow job jokes were all the rage on late night TV.  The internet was taking off and we were sharing music on Napster.  Music sucked then, so thanks for nothing, and the biggest movies were There’s Something About Mary and Armageddon.  That was the age of my life, that if I see someone from then, I could probably talk to them for an hour (average otherwise, about 14 seconds).

My room was the size of a walk in closet and I was directly across from a community bathroom with no locks or stalls and two 55 gallon trash cans that smelled like vomit and old yeast.  My room smelled like Febreeze on a good day and smoke the other six days.  I had a Pantera flag and Jenny McCarthy poster (non-vaccinated, of course) and a haphazard arrangement of old furniture in various states of decline.  I had a Playstation that only worked when you turned it upside down I bought for $50 and a Nintendo that worked on a good day.  Our room was usually blaring Corey Hart or John Denver (Camp’s choice), Down or Anthrax (my choice) or Iron Maiden (mutual).

I shot pool a lot and was on the back deck almost every day overlooking the volleyball court and woods unless it was raining or snowing.  Everyone I knew had a nickname, usually mean, and sometimes so mean they didn’t know what it was.  Mine was Booger or Bear, in case you were wondering.  Not that kind of bear, by the way.  I had to walk uphill both ways everywhere I went (thanks Muskingum).  I remember way more than I thought I would from classes.  I finally threw away my beer bong several years ago and I wish I hadn’t.  At any point back then, I had two parties to go to, if not more and the rare times I didn’t, I would start one.

I sometimes hear people say they wish they could go back, but if I did I would probably die, so I’m cool with just remembering what I can from then.  It’s a time that sometimes feels like 20 years and when I run into someone from then feels like 20 days ago.  It’s a time that makes me realize I am a cockroach of a human, because if I could survive that house (I had glass in my feet from broken bottles for years after college), I cannot be killed by external environmental factors.  It was a time when I was maybe the most unlikeable I’ll ever be and had more friends than at any other time.  Maybe this upcoming weekend, I’ll grab a 30 pack and warm up my heel toe and donkey kicks for old times sake.  Then again, I’ll probably throw my back out.  OK, maybe just a shot of Whorl and I’ll smell an old trash can outside a bar on campus.

One thing I’ve noticed over my years that people love is clickbait articles about stuff from when they were kids, usually along the lines of “we drank from a hose and if you didn’t you’re a pussy.”  Or something like “we didn’t have smartphones, but we ate mud pies, it was amazing.”  I don’t know about all that; I just think people like remembering a time when they didn’t have anything to worry about.  I mean, summer break?  HOLY HELL can you imagine having nothing, and I mean nothing, to do from end of May to late August again?  I don’t give a damn if you ate mud the whole time, that’s incredible.

I guess just to cover the basics, things have definitely changed.  I used to run outside after lunch and not return until the sun went down.  We played wiffleball, rode big wheels (with cutting edge all plastic smooth wheels that couldn’t stop until you were under a moving car) and explored the woods.  Now if my daughter goes outside, I’m right there hovering over her in a fenced in yard or taking position on the back deck with a sniper rifle.

The biggest change in kids now is easily technology.  There were about five channels back then and no DVR, so if you missed a show, it was gone forever.   No iPad apps to keep kids busy at a restaurant (shudders at the thought).  “Only threats of beatings kept me in check!”  Video games are so much better if someone sold me Super Mario Brothers (the original) for $60 now, I’d drive back to Gamestop and punch the clerk in the face.

What was better back then?  Not in the “if you didn’t do this, you’re a wimp” way?  Side note: if you’re raising kids and you feel that way, nice job parenting.  Here’s the quick rundown.

No social media bullying.  No way my kids are getting online for a while, but I got bullied a lot.  I also shoved a bully over a desk and learned to fight back, witty insults went farther than punches…at least until the bully had you cornered, then punches are WAY BETTER.  Too many kids kill themselves now, it is a major problem I think stems from constant ridicule with no break and all the stress we put on kids.  I’m also the type that will full on punch a nine year old that bullies my kids, so watch your ass, Tiffany.

Not as many tests and homework in school.  That’s pretty much all they do now.  Good job telling teachers what to do all day, dumbass politicians.  Anything else you can mess up?  Forget I said that.

You could actually play outside.  Ironic, because now I treat the sun like a vampire half the time.  If I’m outdoors now, it’s because I’m mowing or jogging to keep from buying new pants.

That’s about it; other than that I’m sure childhoods are pretty the same.  If your kid plays video games five hours a day, that’s not the modern society’s problem, it’s yours.  Let’s face it, you saw what they did with our clothes and hair in the 1980’s, it wasn’t that sweet.  I had a spike and a perm one time…at the same time.  Let’s cool it with the Xanadu childhood stuff; it was just great not having four minutes of free time a week.

This is your blog topic when your little girl gets the flu and the only consolation is watching Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs 143 times.  So here goes, from worst to first.

7th – Sneezy.  He horks snot rockets all over the place, spreading his diseases or spitting directly on your mug.  No debate.

6th – Sleepy.  He has flies buzzing around him all the time.  Probably smells like yesterday since he passes out before he can shower.  Laziest dwarf by far, still better than guy who sprays you with mucus.

5th – Dopey.  Other than comic relief, no value.  His waggling ears creep me out.  My kid’s favorite one, so don’t tell her I typed this.

4th – Bashful.  Won’t make an ass of himself.  Solid dude, but horrible at making decisions because he doesn’t want to offend anyone.  One of my pet peeves.

3rd – Doc.  Most muscular dwarf, probably roiding.  Also the leader, so probably has a dark lust for power.  Not a bad thing.

2nd – Happy.  Nicest one, talented musician, fattest dwarf – good wingman to have with you when you go clubbing or whatever you do at the Magic Kingdom.

1st – Grumpy.  No flaws.  Perfect personality.  Got back to beat the witch’s ass the quickest when she gave Snow White the apple.  Doesn’t wash his hands only because he’s told to – no one tells Grumpy his business.  Plays the long game to win Snow White’s affection.  Heart of gold at the end of movie.  Plays a mean organ.  Probably best poker player and can outdrink other dwarves.  Takes all six to overpower him.

Author’s note – please for the love of God, let us watch a different movie tomorrow.  Anything.  I will watch Doctor Zhivago followed by the English Patient.  Anything at all.