I was never big on New Year’s Resolutions. For example, I was motivated to lose more weight and I started in November this year. Of course, the flu helped jump start those plans into third gear and the holiday glutton fest I had hurt, so maybe I should have waited. Oh well. I thought about realistic resolutions and here goes.
Read more. Aka put more books in the bathrooms at home. I have two kids under four, let’s face it, I’m not reading nothing no how unless I can grab the flu again and have squirreled away some books.
Eat less sugar. In other words, let my kids eat their treats or toss them in the trash. If there was a calorie tracker for “food eaten because your kid didn’t finish that” my 2018 would have been off the charts. Waste not, want not, buy new belts.
Quit being nice to other comedians and barely Facebook friends who constantly trash aspects of who I am. Whoa, Chris, that took a turn! Yep. Been sitting on this one for a while. One more shithead posts about how awful people from small towns are and 2019 is the year I make sure they know the comments aren’t appreciated, in my own, sweet and caring way. I’ll leave it at that without getting into more, but getting real tired of the do-gooders trashing anyone and everyone who isn’t in their category and acting tolerant. Oh, and I’m not Jewish, but one more bigot puts something up remotely anti-Semitic, I’m calling them out. I used to stay out of the muck, but it’s getting real tedious. I bring that up because I saw a “comic” posting about tolerance then smash Jews for controlling all the money. Made my stomach turn and won’t slide next time. There’s an old saying “Don’t wrestle with a pig in the mud, after a while you realize the pig loves it.” Oink, oink, scumbags.
Well, that got more serious than expected! Maybe a few more for laughs. Watch an entire movie or football game without stopping. This one is up to my children. Clean my car more (once) in 2019. Throw out old socks for once. My wife just peed a little with excitement reading that (she probably isn’t reading this).
Well, that’s it. Happy New Year, except to the ones I’m going to kick in the nuts online. Santa Chris knows if you’ve been good or bad because you post every stupid thought that goes through your head on my feed six times a day.