Month: July 2014

I don’t watch a lot of TV…for an American.  Compared to the rest of the world, I’m a useless sack of dump, but not a ton.  I usually can be found watching the History Channel, sports, or whatever my lady likes.  In other words, something about World War II/Hitler, football, or a dancing/singing show.  Luckily, no crossover.

I walked in the other day and for no reason in particular, CMT was on.  I caught Steve Austin’s Broken Skull Challenge.  It was basically Stone Cold yelling at manish ladies to go faster climbing ropes and hurdling stuff.  It was like wrestling meets a drag show.  Not bad, but I’ll pass.  Then Dog and Beth came on.  A few thoughts – I didn’t know they were still alive.  Dog needs to button his shirt…and if you have a two foot long mullet, please stop shaving your chest.  Beth’s boobs look like an airbag blew up inside her shirt.  Why do they carry guns that don’t shoot?  Can they stop showing evidence like they’re prosecutors?  This show sucks.

In summation, I don’t really like new channels, but since I’m an American with ingrained ADD, it worked for the time being.  Next I think I’ll flip from Bravo to QVC, then wrap up with Sports Time Ohio, where I can see fashion, shopping and Cleveland sports highlights.  That will totally kill my desire to watch new programs and cure me of this disease.

My softball team managed to pull off an amazing upset over the first place team this week and we went off the bar to have a cold one.  In our normal spot, the Pinnacle Vodka girls were gearing up to spread the word about their new flavors.  Rainbow Sherbet?  No thanks.

As part of their good word and fun, they left mad libs for us.  Of course, our group was very mature and did it like adults.

As you can see, our responses were measured and well thought out.  We did enjoy the shot, appreciate the games, but amazingly, our team did not immediately switch to Whipped Cream Vodka over beer.  Keep the mad libs coming, we’ll think about it.

 

 

One of the surprises over the past weekend for me was the firing of Anthony Cumia from Opie and Anthony by Sirius/XM radio.  I got satellite radio for two reasons – I spend a lot of time on the road and I love the O&A show.  What happened (allegedly, no one was there recording) is that Anthony was snapping pics on his phone, a woman took offense and punched him four times.  Whether he was provoking her or not, no one knows but him and her.  After this, he tweeted several derogatory tweets calling her a savage and an animal.  Not a big deal, until you realize he’s white and she’s black.  Boom goes the internet.

The mania that followed was intense and common.  In the past month, we’ve seen apologies from Jonah Hill over gay slurs, Adam Richman for using a word used by anorexics, Facebook for messing with the news feeds, a soccer player for biting another player, a Japanese politician crying over something, etc.  You get the point.  I tuned in Monday and apparently Sirius was so offended by Cumia’s rants…they played old clips with him the entire day.  And Tuesday.  “You’re fired!  Sort of.  We’re going to use your show clips, though.  We need listeners.  But we’re really pissed!  You bigot!”  The same station that hired him for pushing controversy just said that was a little too much controversy, even outside of work.

Social media got all wacky also.  Some swore Anthony was in the Ku Klux Klan, others attacked the lady for assaulting him with little or no provocation, then the lines separated between liberals, conservatives and libertarians (as does everything on the internet, look up a story about cats and it breaks into a political melee, before veering into religion, then race and sexism mop up the rest).

I didn’t see all the tweets (he took them offline), plus I love the show, so it’s not my place to jump in like everyone else in the country and tell people what they have to do or not do.  That said, I noticed that hypocrisy is strong.  Republicans and Democrats act pissed about scandals, then downplay the same crap when their douchebag team screws up.  Cavs fans now want LeBron back.  Our Congress has a 9% approval rating, but we’ll probably re-elect most of them.  We bitch about drivers getting worse, then text each other on the highway.  I’ve seen people praise the Supreme Court for upholding Obamacare, then tear them apart for the Hobby Lobby decision.

The takeaway is that the market will decide.  He’ll probably jump to podcasting and be successful.  Sirius will act righteous, then play his old stuff all the time.  People that hated the show before still won’t listen and those that did will seek him out.  Then someone else will say something about a political issue or single out a race or fill in the blank and we dance this dance all over again next week.  Welcome to modern outrage – hold your breath and by the time you exhale, we’ll be on another hot button issue.

I am in awe of the grocery store.  It is full of food, toiletries, booze and general things that help us in our life journey.  Despite this, I can’t be in a grocery store for more than six minutes without wanting to commit acts of violence on strangers.

Rule number one of a grocery store – some fatback white trash will inevitably block the entire aisle, half with their cart full of Mountain Dew and snacks, half with their lumbering selves.  As I snort, tap the cart and clear my throat, they refuse to move or acknowledge my presence as they scour the various ranch dressings, pondering which one will be the best chip dip.

Then, it gets worse.  I went to check out the other day at Giant Eagle.  They have a fun thing where you have to scan your members card to even buy their shit.  My favorite part of this is that every time this happens, the scanner tells me the card is not a valid item and the light goes off, making me look too stupid to scan my own shit.  Then an employee saunters over and asks me if I need help.  “Yes, I need a machine that can read the card you gave me to scan so I can buy your crap.”

I scanned my own groceries, then bagged them.  I used to bag groceries, by the way, so I’m pretty quick about it.  Despite this, a middle aged sea hag found it necessary to walk down the aisle and angrily shove my last box at me.  “HERE!  THERE’S YOUR LAST ONE!”  I failed to mention that I had 10 items and there were three empty aisles.  She then began firing her groceries at me before I even pulled the bags.  Long story short, if anyone has a good place to hide a body, please message me.  If I run into this foul creature again, it may not go as well.

The entire history of the world has been one of kings, tyrants, sovereigns, dictators and oligarchs.  There was a tiny respite in Athens, but they still had slaves and some kept adolescents as lovers, so that really didn’t count.  A bunch of guys about 240 years ago got sick of being slapped around by a king that hadn’t even set foot in their hemisphere, so they got all white trash pissed and said, “Goddurnit, we done had nuff!”  I think that’s how it went, I wasn’t there.

Some people said they were wrong, they were just a bunch of rich assholes, most owned slaves.  As Lincoln would point out later, they set the stage for what came later.  You can’t have individual freedom as a premise and expect it not to carry to all peoples, even it took a Civil War to get there.  Long story short, thanks to a bunch of wig wearing, tax hating, fancy writing guys, we have a country that kicks ass.  Here’s a list of what started here.

Airplanes.  Mass production.  Cars.  30 packs of beer – because 24 is for commies.  Football.  Computers.  TV.  Free speech (even Canada doesn’t have that).  Freedom of religion…or no religion, for that matter.  Rock and roll, which came from American blues.  R&B.  Rap. Country music.  Steam power.  Horsepower.  Batman.  Captain America.  Toilets that have extra flush power.  Fast food.  (Thus the extra flush power).  George Washington.  Abe Lincoln.  George Patton.  John Wayne.  Jesse Owens (take that Hitler!).  The U.S. Military (take that freedom haters!).  Light bulbs.  Radio.  Cell phones.  Facebook.  Twitter.  Pro wrastlin’.  Hollywood (good and bad, I just watched the Transformers preview and died a little).  Action movies.  Wings.  Video games (OK, that was mostly Japan, but we bought the most).  Peanut Butter.  Chili fries.  There are more, but I need another beer, so I’ll wrap up.

Most importantly to me, we came up with the Bill of Rights, which was the brainchild of George Mason.  Freedom of speech is the essential component of comedy and rational political debate.  It also means I can do comedy and not have to worry about being detained, censored or executed, like in some countries.  So on America’s birthday, I give a hat tip to some pissed off boys from the east coast.  Good work…and sorry for wasting your legacy on drinking jokes and blogs.  Now pass me a beer and play some Lee Greenwood, I got some ‘Merica to celebrate.

I had a really bad show in the not too distant past.  It was so bad, I actually zoned out onstage and went over my time.  It was the first time in years I felt like when you’re driving for ten miles before you realize you missed your exit.  I was telling jokes and thinking about how much I hated this loud table I almost time traveled.  There was a group right smack in the middle of the room that sat down, ordered drinks, and then talked the entire night.  I tried being subtle, then got aggressive.  The headliner wasn’t so nice.  Nothing worked.  A couple came up to me after the show and said they would’ve enjoyed my act more, but they missed half my punchlines.  I actually gave them a free DVD.

At first, I was annoyed with the club, but then I realized it’s on me.  I have done, conservatively, over a thousand paid shows, open mikes and benefits.  Instead of waiting for someone to bail me out or toss the douches, I should have made sure the lighting was adjusted so I could see who the patrons were to accurately call them out, follow them to their cars, slash their tires, etc.  I blame myself.

In seriousness, here are some tips if you want a successful comedy show.  Have a mike.  You’d be surprised how often that happens.  Try yelling at people drinking for 30 minutes.  I had a guy offer a bullhorn once.  No thanks, I’ll just go home.  Next, have a stage.  If people can’t see the comic, you might as well have a lunatic yelling by the jukebox to play more Spice Girls.  Third, if people won’t shut up, remove them or risk the comedian melting down and making everyone uncomfortable.  If they won’t shut up, they’re not going to care that they miss the show anyways.  Also, please don’t let people in free.  If paying customers don’t care, free riders care even less than that.  Or let everyone in free, just don’t let three dozen people into the show in middle of the performance.  It’s almost like recess time for drunks in the back.  I think these drunks the other night were playing Red Rover they were making so much noise.  Finally, no kids.  I’ve done about five shows where they let kids in.  That’s bad for me, because I still have a soul, for one.  Also, kids aren’t going to get my pop culture or alcohol references, but they will be severely confused and/or scarred and that’s on you once I get going.  Hope this helps, random show that will never read this blog.