Month: July 2014

My soon to be in laws were in town this weekend and I went to the park downtown.  They had an obstacle course, which was pretty cool, other than the fact I saw a redneck wearing jeans and no shirt trying to do it while smoking.  Amazingly, this guy will probably have ten children and contribute to the decline of the human race.

I was near the rope ladder when I noticed a four year old boy attempting to climb the 20 feet.  “I’m scared!”  I approached quickly.  Then he said, “Am I scared?”  I scanned the area – not one adult, including me.  “Where’s your dad, kid?”  “My mommy and dad don’t live together.”  “Where’s your mom, then?”  “I don’t know.”  Well, I think I know why dad left now.  In fairness, he probably lives in a big house with guards and fences.  “Let me get you down before you fall (and I get blamed).  Now let’s find your mom before you climb.”  Thankfully, his mom was about 100 feet away…talking to the shirtless redneck guy.  My new pal ran over to her and all was well, not that she seemed to care.  I have five bucks on this rugrat stealing  a car by 2026.

One of the big stories on social media last week was a guy using the website Kickstarter to get money to make potato salad.  Kickstarter is a site where people can fund ideas for creative ideas.  Potato salad is not a creative idea.  I guess that’s why it was a big story.  I figured I would come up with some ideas.

What’s the problem with La-Z-Boy chairs?  If they were truly lazy, there would be a toilet in them!  That’s why I want a recliner chair with a pee hose and crapper.  Unfortunately, I don’t understand plumbing, so it will be a chair with a hole and a bucket.  You’ll have to sit by a window also, preferably a window next to a property line of a neighbor you don’t like, so when…you probably figured it out.

My diet is tough right now, because I have tried to give up a lot of foods and drinks.  Example – I like mayo.  I like alcohol.  I have to drop one…or do I?  Mayonnaise colodas!  Nothing says summer beach meets cookout like a mayo cocktail.  Coming soon!  Oh and use a lot of ice, hot mayo is a mess.

Lastly, I have a idea for an energy drink.  It’s basically a pop, but when you get to the bottom, it says you just drank rat poison.  In a frenzy, you then get some shit done, as you suspect your death is minutes away.  I’ll have to have the legal team look into that one, sounds like there may be a hiccup getting that to market.

 

In high school, I was in pretty good shape.  I also wore black athletic socks with sandals and had a high and tight haircut with a middle part, so I don’t look too fondly on those days.  I went to play college football and desperately wanted to get to 200 lbs. for the program, since I played offensive line for a hillbilly school at 184 lbs.  Luckily, I started drinking MGD and Icehouse that summer, so boom, I put the weight on pretty fast.  That and the dollar Whopper craze of 1997.  Damn you, Burger King.  It wasn’t muscle, but it did the trick for the program.

I went to college and found out that you could eat as much as you want for three meals a day.  Combined with the previous paragraph, I jumped the shark and was a greasy haired, barrel assed mess.  I remember walking to the shower and seeing this abnormality protruding from my torso – oh my God, I was a fatty.

I went on the perfect diet that next summer.  Here’s how it worked – Be young and unable to cook.  Then be poor.  I ate plain toast for breakfast, turkey sandwiches for lunch, and an egg and a can of corn for supper.  I lost about 30 lbs.

Now it is diet time again.  Funny thing, I eat pretty well, work out, etc.  The problem is that amazingly, my body is not co-operating.  It appears that as I get older, it is harder to lose weight!  I should write a book, I think I’m on to something.  I have just started, so we’ll see what works, but I have noticed one immediate change.  As I pick out healthier foods, my desire to eat is reduced pretty severely.  Off to a good start!

Well not really, but I was researching honeymoon info online, when suddenly, Twilight came on my television.  “Twilight.  We should change this.”  I then heard the most horrifying sentences from my fiancee.  “I haven’t seen this in a while.  I want to watch it.”  Dear Lord, I’m about to watch this movie.

Here’s a recap, in case you’ve never seen it.  Girl somehow dates a vampire who has a big family of vampires in a town of about 2000 people.  Somehow, no one knows they’re vampires.  They fight, love, breakup, love, then there are vampire fights, then love, then he dumps her, more vampire fights and they get back together.  Then the damn second one came on.  The vamp left town, so she did want every girl does, she started flirting with a werewolf boy.  Then the vamp realizes he needs her and the wolf boy doesn’t like it, but they’re cool so more vampires fight over her delicious blood and/or love.  Holy crap, no one in this town of idiots knows there is a monster mash going on every night?  I pondered things such as this, while I sat down to pee, since I just watched two Twilight movies and now that’s how I have to pee, it’s the law.

Of all the characters in this tale of supernatural romance, the girl’s dad was the worst.  Over the course of two films, she ran away from home three times, once to Italy, once to Arizona, and once to the woods and he seemed like it was no big deal.  I take it back, he did ground her once, but rescinded it.  Oh and to top it off, he was the police chief.  Good job finding the hordes of devil creatures trying to nail your teenage daughter, Barney Fife.  I felt like he was the type of dad that let his kid call him Steve instead of dad, which is almost as bad letting your teenager date undead bloodthirsty abominations.  Now excuse me, I have to text my BFF and ask her whether she’s Team Edward or Team Jacob.  OMG!  Team Edward?  Did you see Jacob’s abs!  LOL!  I’d let him get to second base with me!

This is either a really unique take on relationships or the most disturbing movie I’ve seen since Kids.  I am not going to say “Spoiler Alert” because I hope you’re smart enough not to read a movie review if you are avoiding spoilers.  The movie follows a sad sack around who is about to finalize a divorce.  He is all boo hoo and depressed, then he finds an operating system that he talks to.  It then gets a little wacky, as he starts a relationship with his computer.

I’m weird in that I can watch aliens, magic, superheroes, etc. and have no problem with ridiculousness, because it’s supposed to be ridiculous.  Realistic-ish movies like this get to me.  I know it’s a larger theme, but he goes on walks and dates with his operating system by holding a camera in his pocket.  If I saw a guy running around talking to his phone and dancing around like a loon, I’d ready my fisticuffs, not have an “Aw shucks, they’re in love!” moment.

He also argues with the computer (odd) and yes, has some sex.  It’s like phone sex, only even more sad and lonely, which is pretty damn sad and lonely.  It’s a great scene if your goal is make people super uncomfortable and never want to be around you ever.

Long story short, the movie is a picture of life and relationships.  It’s also entertaining, but it made me want to shower a few times.  It’s also kind of funny to show an awkward and emotionally bankrupt man who engenders sympathy…who was married to Rooney Mara…dates Olivia Wilde…has a relationship with fake Scarlett Johansson,..and pals around with Amy Adams.  Then again, the computer basically is cheating on him by loving other people also, (which is strange, it’s a computer) which is straight up depressing.  I wouldn’t recommend this movie to anyone who just got dumped or has a problem with human to computer nasty time.

I have done comedy at a senior center, in an alley, next to an exit door at a bar in a VFW, at a high school reunion and a 50th wedding anniversary party.  Last night was a first – I did a show at a gay bar underneath a fetish shop.  At this point, I think I have covered my bases pretty well.  Unless there’s a hot dog eating contest or a political convention, I think I have covered about everything.

 

Yes, that is a wall covered in pics of shirtless and hairless men with a big ol’ bondage X.  I was rather grateful to facing the crowd.  The crowd was rather unruly, which was no surprise since chains were hanging off the ceiling.  “Hey, look here fellas, you should respect my long, drawn out joke about coffee tables!  Oh wait…”

No matter what the situation, I have found I work best in rowdy rooms by being super aggressive, loud and obnoxious.  Kind of like the View, but funnier and less manly.  Of course, I am super hilarious, so that helps.  I also try to cater to crowd a bit.  Last night I opened with “How’s everyone doing tonight?  More specifically, how are all the gay guys and the straight guys who are going to reprogram their GPS’s when they get home?”  I think it worked.