I had a really bad show in the not too distant past. It was so bad, I actually zoned out onstage and went over my time. It was the first time in years I felt like when you’re driving for ten miles before you realize you missed your exit. I was telling jokes and thinking about how much I hated this loud table I almost time traveled. There was a group right smack in the middle of the room that sat down, ordered drinks, and then talked the entire night. I tried being subtle, then got aggressive. The headliner wasn’t so nice. Nothing worked. A couple came up to me after the show and said they would’ve enjoyed my act more, but they missed half my punchlines. I actually gave them a free DVD.
At first, I was annoyed with the club, but then I realized it’s on me. I have done, conservatively, over a thousand paid shows, open mikes and benefits. Instead of waiting for someone to bail me out or toss the douches, I should have made sure the lighting was adjusted so I could see who the patrons were to accurately call them out, follow them to their cars, slash their tires, etc. I blame myself.
In seriousness, here are some tips if you want a successful comedy show. Have a mike. You’d be surprised how often that happens. Try yelling at people drinking for 30 minutes. I had a guy offer a bullhorn once. No thanks, I’ll just go home. Next, have a stage. If people can’t see the comic, you might as well have a lunatic yelling by the jukebox to play more Spice Girls. Third, if people won’t shut up, remove them or risk the comedian melting down and making everyone uncomfortable. If they won’t shut up, they’re not going to care that they miss the show anyways. Also, please don’t let people in free. If paying customers don’t care, free riders care even less than that. Or let everyone in free, just don’t let three dozen people into the show in middle of the performance. It’s almost like recess time for drunks in the back. I think these drunks the other night were playing Red Rover they were making so much noise. Finally, no kids. I’ve done about five shows where they let kids in. That’s bad for me, because I still have a soul, for one. Also, kids aren’t going to get my pop culture or alcohol references, but they will be severely confused and/or scarred and that’s on you once I get going. Hope this helps, random show that will never read this blog.
I find it less amazing that clubs sometimes allow children than I do the parents who think having a child gives them an entitled license to be anywhere they want with them.