I went to Kroger w/ my pals pre-Buckeye game. One was hitting on a girl way too young, so we had to wait on him to get beer (that’s not the sex crime, but it could’ve been had we not told him to hurry up). While standing at the end of the self-checkout line, I saw of all things, a cart completely full of summer sausage and hot dog packs. I’m talking $250 worth of pork. I was staring at it quizzically, then my buddy Rich said “Look at that dude.” This is never good, but always interesting.
I looked up to see an older man wearing what looked like swim trunks and black dress shoes with no socks. He pulled out a tissue from the box at the employee station and gave it to the girl overseeing the process. She blew her nose, then he grabbed the tissue and pulled out a plastic bag from his pocket, shoving the snotty tissue inside, then putting it back in his pocket. He was so excited, he was shaking. I was incredulous.
He kept persisting and I realized after the fourth tissue, he was getting his rocks off…but I have no idea why. Snot covered tissues? The poor girl was trying to be nice and kept blowing away, handing this deviant each one, even though she had no cold and there was a trash can right there. I wanted to freak out, but was so confused, I didn’t know what to do. Rich went up to him and said, “What are you doing? There’s a trash can right there! You’re a creep!” El Creepo shouted, “Leave me alone!” Then he grabbed his meat cart and shuffled away with his bag o’ mucus covered Kleenexes. I don’t know what I just saw, but it will probably haunt me for the rest of my life.
Here’s the deal. I know people are into some weird shit, but snot? Hell, they even used to sell used panties in Japan via vending machines. That’s gross, but at least it’s somewhat sexual. Tissues? What’s even weirder is that I noticed after the fact the freak was with another man. Now I’m really blown away. I’m going to act like I didn’t see any of this and try to move on…and never use a tissue again.