CHRIS COEN

I got to go to fan appreciation day at Heinz Field in Pittsburgh this past weekend.  I got to do some cool things, like see the Super Bowl trophies (they’re silver, just like on TV), get some autographs, and go into the Steelers locker room.  I didn’t get to use Polamalu’s shampoo or kick a field goal (stupid kids hogging all the field), but I did get to stand next to a chair.

I thought it was funny how the NFL locker room had OHSA type signs, like how to tackle, file contract bonus claims, and how to dress.

I like to think some NFL player came out with his socks on his hands, screaming obscenities at Roger Goodell for not putting a poster up.  I also got some autographs, which I found out I was unprepared for.  I had a piece of notebook paper in my pocket, the guy next to me had a hand carved wood Steelers sign, which he had strapped to his back.  Another guy behind me had a game ready helmet to get signed.  I realized at that moment the only difference between sports fans and nerds is what they get excited about.  Unfortunately, I’m both.

I went to see the new Avengers movie last night.  They used to do a midnight release only, but most nerds are probably scared of the dark, with all the vampires and werewolves out and about.  As I sat down, some dad left four kids under 7 in the seats next to us and left.  This sounds like horrible parenting, but the boy and three girls were all dressed up like Captain America, so he was clearly a good parent.

It was a fun movie, almost as fun as seeing all the comic book fans crawl out of their mom’s basements and have to socially interact.  I was there, not judging, but I saw a guy wearing an Iron Man mask, X-Men jacket, and carrying both Mjolnir and Cap’s shield.  He was seated next to guy wearing a green Ninja Turtles shirt and purple jeans, who was next to a guy wearing a Star Wars tee with Batman sweatpants.  I think I need to open a t-shirt shop.

The movie itself was pretty good, but thanks to the two 24 ounce beers and the over two hour run time, I had to piss so bad I nearly had a religious experience.  I finally had to bail with about two minutes left.  I peed so long, three people came up to the urinal after me and left before me.  I ducked back in just long enough to catch the end, but couldn’t sit back down.  A man with a toupee wearing a shirt that said, “Peter Barker: Spider-Dog” was blocking the way.  I think tonight I’m going to grab a camera and just film the crowd.

My wife and I went to Baby Basics class last night.  Right when we walked in, the screen said “What to do the first six weeks as a new parent!”  Wake my wife up?  Sounds good, class over.  I have never changed a diaper, so I was ready to feel dumb…then I saw the other slugs in the class.  There was a guy with lobe stretchers the size of dinner plates, another guy wearing a shirt from high school – which meant I had to stare at his awful hairy lower back, especially since he wasn’t wearing a belt – and lastly, a hillbilly.  His wife complained that he hadn’t read any of the baby books and he had to be yelled at for a full minute just to swaddle the baby doll.  Maybe I’m not so bad.

I was ready for some wisdom, like making sure I put extra hay down for the baby in the winter.  You know, important stuff.  When can I give my baby whiskey?  Doesn’t that help with the rheumatism?  I did learn that a baby’s genitals are seven times larger after birth, so that’s an image that will haunt my dreams for the next month.  I also about puked seeing that dying umbilical cord sticking out.  I’m cutting that thing as close as I can get.  It looked like a sandworm from Tremors.

Breastfeeding was a big topic.  My wife can’t have a refreshing smoke while opening up the tap.  Ridiculous, right?  I even learned that the poop goes through about nine colors in the first week.  I was OK with that, I have been drinking Busch Light since the mid 90’s.  Old hat.  They covered crying as a final topic, but I don’t have to worry about that – I make tough babies.  She’ll probably be working nights at the mill by 2018 at the latest.  I think I heard the baby doll cry when I picked it up, actually.  Maybe I should take more notes.

Who has time to watch the news?  No one!  Here’s what you need to know.

The 2016 Presidential race has begun already.  Relax everyone, no one will remember 99% of anything until the two candidates are chosen.  I just hope we don’t get another Bush/Clinton.  I can’t take another wave of rehashed jokes from the last 24 years at every comedy show.

Bruce Jenner is going to come out as a woman tonight on a TV interview.  It’s either the worst kept secret of the last few years or Bruce is going to sue the shit out of every grocery store rumor magazine I’ve seen since 2013.

The NBA and NHL playoffs are in the first round.  America calls this “Is it football season yet?  No?  Tell me when the finals start.  Of the NBA.  Not the other one.”

The Middle East is at war or going to war or almost at war or wants to be at war, but they’re at war with someone else.

That’s it.  I would give you more news, but that means I would have to do research and my DVR is full.

Comedy is very weird in several categories, but one is the open mic (or open mike, I have no idea which is cool or correct.  You get it, you’re smart.)  Everyone can relate to a comedy show at a club, theater or assembly hall, but an open mic is a show where generally the only rule is that anyone can go up and do, excuse me, attempt stand-up comedy.  This means a typical open mic is a mix of comedians trying new material (or just going out for an excuse to drink) and new people that are sometimes humorous and other times out and out batshit crazy.

One of the longest running shows will have it’s last go of it tonight at 9:30 in Columbus; the Surly Girl Saloon Open Mic Comedy Night.  The bar is changing owners, so it will shut down Sunday until the remodel occurs.  Running an open mic takes some work and a lot has to come together.  I run one at 7:30 on Mondays at Rehab Tavern in town and have learned what all is involved.

You need a venue that can host a show, with a sound system that works.  You need comics and a crowd.  Really bad talent kills interest in a show; a really bad crowd makes comedians not want to show up.  Of course, the normal drunks not wanting to be quiet and pay attention is bad enough, but if some new comic thinks it’s cool and edgy to do a fan-friendly slur or other extremely offensive topic.; then the room can be shut down instantly.

My favorite story from that room is this.  Once out front, a woman pulled up in a van driven by her male friend.  “Wanna see my titties?” Boom, there they were before a person said a word. Then her dude drove her away to some creepy unknown fate. 10 minutes later, my pal Travis exclaimed, “Some homeless guy bled on my shoe!” WHEEL! OF! HIGH STREET! What a great venue.

The ultimate key to success is the host/emcee.  Surly ran for almost a decade because Sean Somerville wrangled all those cattle every single week.  Imagine this – you’re not feeling well, show must go on.  A couple comics a week text, email or Facebook message you three minutes before the signup cutoff.  If you let them go on, they just keep abusing your kindness.  If you don’t, you’re a dick and they talk shit about you even though they were the ones who were late.  The microphone is cutting out…or is it the speaker?  Last week 15 comics signed up.  This week it’s 32 and 10 want to go up early; six of whom tell you after you already made the list.  You have to watch the entire show, every week and by the way, track the time and light every single comic from the back, plus about half of them go over their time.  99% of the Earth would’ve been committed, punched someone or just quit.  Sean opened each show and ran it well the entire run.  I’ve never heard one person say anything bad about him and comics are basically middle schoolers with drinking and/or mental issues.  That’s more impressive than Cal Ripken’s streak.  Hopefully, something can fill the hole and the denizens of Columbus can get the same level of perfectly run shows that Sean can provide.  Thanks for the effort and for God’s sake, Sean – take a damn Wednesday off.

Well, thanks for asking, made up person!  I always do a free show Monday at 7:30 at Rehab Tavern in Columbus…except tonight because it’s at 6:30 thanks to my show at Wild Goose Creative at 7:30.  The later show is not a standard stand-up show, it’s actually a variety show where every comedian is doing a sketch, multimedia presentation or other medium involving the Avengers as the topic.  I will be doing a power point slide show entitled “Why Your Favorite Superhero Sucks!”  I’m looking forward to being hated by comic book nerds, as I am by most of the Earth’s population.  Tickets available at the door!

I also will be at the Columbus Funny Bone April 29th, where I’m hosting the semi-finals of the Funny Bone Talent Search.  The top six of that show move onto the Finals, so it should be entertaining.  Plus I will be doing time up front, during and after the contest, so you get a whole bunch of me to enjoy.

Of course, you can click on the “SHOWS” page at any time for updates and hopefully, I remember to put details online.  I don’t put many videos online.  Why?  When I first started, I put almost every joke on MySpace.  This created a few problems.  1) I was terrible.  2)  I had someone say to me – “I don’t have to come to your shows, since you put free clips online!”  Backfire.  3)  Recording comedy is rough – I’ve had people walk in front of my camera, bump it out of focus, batteries go dead, or some drunks talk the whole time and ruin the set.  In other words, please come to my shows…or buy my DVD…or just give me money.  Thanks!