My wife and I went to Baby Basics class last night. Right when we walked in, the screen said “What to do the first six weeks as a new parent!” Wake my wife up? Sounds good, class over. I have never changed a diaper, so I was ready to feel dumb…then I saw the other slugs in the class. There was a guy with lobe stretchers the size of dinner plates, another guy wearing a shirt from high school – which meant I had to stare at his awful hairy lower back, especially since he wasn’t wearing a belt – and lastly, a hillbilly. His wife complained that he hadn’t read any of the baby books and he had to be yelled at for a full minute just to swaddle the baby doll. Maybe I’m not so bad.
I was ready for some wisdom, like making sure I put extra hay down for the baby in the winter. You know, important stuff. When can I give my baby whiskey? Doesn’t that help with the rheumatism? I did learn that a baby’s genitals are seven times larger after birth, so that’s an image that will haunt my dreams for the next month. I also about puked seeing that dying umbilical cord sticking out. I’m cutting that thing as close as I can get. It looked like a sandworm from Tremors.
Breastfeeding was a big topic. My wife can’t have a refreshing smoke while opening up the tap. Ridiculous, right? I even learned that the poop goes through about nine colors in the first week. I was OK with that, I have been drinking Busch Light since the mid 90’s. Old hat. They covered crying as a final topic, but I don’t have to worry about that – I make tough babies. She’ll probably be working nights at the mill by 2018 at the latest. I think I heard the baby doll cry when I picked it up, actually. Maybe I should take more notes.