CHRIS COEN

I made a quick trip to CVS yesterday to pick up some medicine.  I was making sure to avoid eye contact with most people because it was for the fact I awoke in a panic multiple times the previous night and sprinted to the bathroom.  Of course, I just told all of you, so whatever.  The only person I noticed was some lady buying wine at noon.  At a CVS.  At noon.  At a CVS.

While I was wondering how much of a boozer she was to make even me alarmed, suddenly it happened.  Out of nowhere some pale white trashy woman burst for the exit as a well dressed man grabbed her hugely oversized bag.  The alarms went haywire and boxes started flying about the store.  A thief!  Caught!  She screamed, “YOU CAN’T TOUCH ME!  YOU CAN’T TOUCH ME!”  When a shoplifter yells that first, that means it’s not their first rodeo.

The man, a manager, said “I’m not touching you!” as the girl cursed and they had a nasty tug of war back and forth.  Oral-B sonic brushes started bursting out left and right.  The irony of a meth addict stealing fancy toothbrushes made me smile…but back to the struggle!

Finally, all the nearly stolen goods emptied, her keys fell on the ground.  The girl yelled, “OK, let go!  Let me leave!  That’s my bag!”  More irony as the would be crook demanded her property be respected.  The manager booted her keys out the door, which was pure gold.  I can’t touch you, bitch, but chase after your keys like a dog.  She jumped into her car, which was parked right in the handicapped spot as he casually snapped a pic of her plate.  “Fucker!” she yelled.

He was very sweaty and flustered – “I didn’t touch her!  I didn’t!”  I told him I had his back and left my contact info for the police report.  The woman in front of me didn’t miss a beat – she needed that damn drugstore wine.  And just like that it was over and my lunch was perfect.

I have a one year old now and one thing I noticed when I was single and childless was that a lot of my friends didn’t get out as much with a little one in the mix.  That’s absurd.  It’s very easy.

“Well, time to leave!”

“OK, we just need to grab a few things.  Make sure the diaper bag has diapers, wipes for her, wipes for the table, butt paste, skin cream, backup clothes, a binky, two books – no, not those two, the two she likes.”

“Got it, ready?”

“Grab her shoes, the Elmo she likes – no she doesn’t like that one anymore, the other one, plus her snacks, the fruit I cut, her sippy cup, a backup bottle of water, her teething gel, and another hair bow.”

“Dear Lord, we need bigger car.  OK, got that too.”

“Oh and her music box – it needs new batteries, they’re in the drawer, but you need the little screwdriver.  What’s the weather?  We should change her clothes first – no that one doesn’t fit, it’s too small.  No, that’s too big.  I don’t like that one.  That doesn’t match her shoes.  I think she just pooped – do you smell poop?  That was you?  You and her – grab another diaper.”

“What day is it?  Am I late for work?”

“Did you cool down the car?  Do we have gas?  Are we out of puffs?  Is her bottle warmed up?  When did you take it out of the fridge?  Are we forgetting anything?”

“I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE THE HOUSE AGAIN.  DELETE ALL OUR SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS AND PHONE CONTACTS BEFORE WE HAVE TO LEAVE AGAIN.”

Like I said, piece of cake.  Now who wants to meet for dinner in 2018?  Let me know soon – too late, can’t pack up in time.  See you in 2019!

Student sits down with guidance counselor.

“OK, let’s find what major suits you best.  Would you sell your mother for medical experiments, say for five bucks?”

“God no!, that’s crazy!”

“Hmm, no business for you.  Do you enjoy boring strangers to the point of death?”

“No, of course not.”

“That rules out accounting.  Let’s move on.  Do you like being really poor?”

“That doesn’t sound good, how poor?”

“Well, like you should have avoided college because you would have been poor, but debt free poor.  If you like writing, English or journalism.  If you can draw, art is a special kind of poor.”

“How about medical studies?”

“You won’t live long enough to pay off those loans, you have to start when you’re three.”

“That sounds awful.  I want to make a difference, not be poor and not go to school for 40 more years.”

“Well, that rules out history because you’re clearly not learning how this works here, haha!”

“Political science?”

“Ah, so you want to run for office and screw people, now we are on to something.”

“Cancel that.  How about science?”

“Are you an American citizen?  Can’t do that, silly.  Have you considered general studies?”

“OK, fine, whatever.”

“Excellent, here’s your general studies degree and directions to the unemployment office…and a bill for $70,000.  Congrats, young graduate!  Go make your way in the world!”

Sports fandom has several layers for most people.  A big portion of people couldn’t care less no matter what, some people are psycho fans that get buried in caskets of their favorite teams.  I read about a guy who was such a big Steelers fan, he had his body placed in his favorite chair for the viewing when he died with Steelers Super Bowl tapes playing on a TV.  I would like to do something like this, but have a tape of me yelling “What are you looking at, dickhead?” over and over.

America’s favorite sport is football.  It was baseball, but there’s not enough hitting and people can’t pay attention for more than seven seconds, so football is perfect.  Even better, there’s only one game a week.  Try following basketball, baseball or another sport once you have a kid.

Football means an excuse to drink at noon, the most passive betting system in America known as fantasy football, and legions of fans telling their friends how much better of a GM or coach (or player) they are than the guys on TV.  It’s cookouts, beers and fat guys wearing jerseys to weddings.  Welcome back, old pal.

It’s an election year, so we as a nation get collectively dumber by the day.  The usual issues get bounced around, people are tired of some politicians, scared of others and so on.  Well, it’s time we discussed issues, not candidates.  Here’s some laws we must pass if we want to flourish as a nation.

If someone asks you a question, then asks another question while you are trying to answer that first question, you are allowed, by law, to chop them in the throat.  If someone asks you your opinion, then trashes your answer because they already knew what they wanted to hear and simply wanted justification, then the same, but to any part of their body.

If someone posts more than one political post per day on social media, they have to run for office or start a political talk radio show in one week.  If not, they must have an electric shock therapy device installed on their keyboard…maybe just the letters “e” and “s” to make it fun.

Anyone caught trolling people on the internet under a fake name has to move under a bridge where they belong.

If someone’s cell connection is bad, but they still call you five times in a row, they are not allowed to make another call until they wear a hat with an antenna on it.

That’s a good start.  Oh, and if you make a beer that tastes like coffee, you have to put a warning label on it that it will taste like ass.  Keep them in their own worlds, people.  They’re both good on their own.

There are some great moments in the Olympics – close finishes, inspirational stories and moments that inspire entire countries, like the North Korean who won a bronze medal, then commented the medal would be bigger if the countries were unified again.  I’m sure he’ll never be seen again once he gets home, but it was pretty popular in South Korea and it took balls.  Well, here’s the latest on the other end of the spectrum.

– Olympians being robbed, stabbed and shot at.  I thought the worst problem Brazil had was the disease factory called Rio, but apparently it’s the fact if you take one step out of the safety zone, you’re getting mugged.  In fairness to Rio, Ryan Lochte’s hair can be seen from outer space, so he probably stood out.  Then again, I walked through downtown Detroit at 11 pm two years ago and had no problems, despite it’s reputation.  Of course, it was so damn cold bullets would have frozen in the air, so maybe I shouldn’t brag.

– Anti-Semitism still a thing.  The Lebanese contingent blocked Team Israel from getting on the bus to get to the open ceremonies and other countries from certain countries are dropping out of events because it would “legitimize” Jews as equals.  Sweep that one under the rug, NBC, you’ve got inspirational stories that can’t be sidetracked!

– Internet vermin attack Gabby Douglas.  Should she have put her hand over her heart?  Yes.  Maybe she had a bit on her mind at the moment of winning a gold.  How many of the douchebags attacking her bothered to take their hats off at the last sporting event the anthem played?  Probably none.  She won a handful of golds for the country; the trolls going after her probably drive 50 in the left lane, cheat on their taxes and write checks in long lines at the grocery.  Then criticizing her hair?  You took time to turn on your TV, watch gymnastics, then log onto a connected device and insult a 20 year old athlete’s hair.  The last time your stupid ass jogged to the end of your driveway, you probably had ill fitting shorts from 12 years ago and bedhead from sleeping in until 1 PM.  Get a life…or on second thought, get a bottle of sleeping pills and a six pack.