I made a quick trip to CVS yesterday to pick up some medicine. I was making sure to avoid eye contact with most people because it was for the fact I awoke in a panic multiple times the previous night and sprinted to the bathroom. Of course, I just told all of you, so whatever. The only person I noticed was some lady buying wine at noon. At a CVS. At noon. At a CVS.
While I was wondering how much of a boozer she was to make even me alarmed, suddenly it happened. Out of nowhere some pale white trashy woman burst for the exit as a well dressed man grabbed her hugely oversized bag. The alarms went haywire and boxes started flying about the store. A thief! Caught! She screamed, “YOU CAN’T TOUCH ME! YOU CAN’T TOUCH ME!” When a shoplifter yells that first, that means it’s not their first rodeo.
The man, a manager, said “I’m not touching you!” as the girl cursed and they had a nasty tug of war back and forth. Oral-B sonic brushes started bursting out left and right. The irony of a meth addict stealing fancy toothbrushes made me smile…but back to the struggle!
Finally, all the nearly stolen goods emptied, her keys fell on the ground. The girl yelled, “OK, let go! Let me leave! That’s my bag!” More irony as the would be crook demanded her property be respected. The manager booted her keys out the door, which was pure gold. I can’t touch you, bitch, but chase after your keys like a dog. She jumped into her car, which was parked right in the handicapped spot as he casually snapped a pic of her plate. “Fucker!” she yelled.
He was very sweaty and flustered – “I didn’t touch her! I didn’t!” I told him I had his back and left my contact info for the police report. The woman in front of me didn’t miss a beat – she needed that damn drugstore wine. And just like that it was over and my lunch was perfect.