CHRIS COEN

I know people that don’t do comedy would think doing shows in VFW’s, Eagles lodges, or in my case tonight, a senior center, in a town of 4000 people sounds awful, but I love it.  I sell more tshirts and DVD’s and everyone is super friendly.  I don’t know if they are starved for entertainment so much that they actually think I’m funny or my general white trashness bonds me to the crowd…but thank you small towns.  You folks rock.

When we will have a day where, forced to watch this drivel, the shows are actually good?  Hopefully, never.  Christina Aguliera flubs the words to the national anthem, which is played before every sporting event, veterans’ parade, and even on your TV at five am.  She probably got more money for screwing it up than I’ll make in the next decade.  Then the Black Eyed Peas come up at the half.  Can they pick two or three songs instead doing a 10 minute mash up of their greatest hits?  Why Slash, why, did you wear your trademark hat w/ bedazzler beads?  Did Axl keep all the GNR money to produce Chinese Democracy?  Clearly not, that album was more disappointing than a dry wedding reception.  Why all the dancers w/ tupperware boxes on their heads?  Does this enhance horrible pop music or is this a bad knock off of the Beijing Olympic ceremonies?  Oh, and in case you forgot – 111 million watched some game that was going on.  Better add Usher and a couple male dancers!  We’re losing the 35-49 male audience!

Super Bowl vs. Chris Coen…round one goes to you NFL…

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My city is abuzz with the possibility that the city may shut down – no work = awesome.  Then I heard that power outages are likely to accompany said storm.  I realized if I’m stuck at home w/ no electricity, my options are rather limited b/c I am completely modernized.  I looked for a couple options tonight and found a couple things that include board games (against myself), reading books from my childhood that my mom made me take to clear out her basement – which include Choose Your Adventures and a children’s Bible – or organizing ugly Christmas clothes I never wear or sorting a decade’s worth of Maxim magazines.  What I have realized is that I would jump off my balcony an hour after I woke up.

One of the best things about doing comedy is when people come up to you after shows.  Here are some quotes over the years that I love –

“You are really good for a new guy.  You should watch Jeff Dunham and copy him.”  Thanks for assuming I’m new (backhanded compliment) and also for telling me to watch a ventriloquist – since I have never done that before. 

“I’ve seen a lot of comics in my life and you’re pretty good.  Like Carrot Top.”  No comment.

“You should do more n****** jokes.”  I’ve never done one, but thanks for the advice.  I’ll bet that will get me a shitload of work – what’s funnier than outright racism?  Everything, moron.

(In a town 4 hours from my home, after a 25 min. set) “Is this your first time?”  Yes, I decided to drive to another state and fucking wing it.  Not bad for a newbie!

“I loved your joke about dancing.”  That was the other comic’s joke, the one who has a different hair color, is three inches shorter, and is wearing a different colored shirt – but thanks.

“I got a good one for you.  Remember Nancy Reagan saying “Just say no” and then Nike came out with “Just Do It?”  Thanks for the help.  I now have my closing joke.  Any references to buggies or rotary phones I can use?