I have been excited about the amount of work I’ve been getting recently. I called my gig for tomorrow to verify the start time. “What time does the show start?” “Well, the first guy goes on at 8:15. (I’m opening the show). Then the real comic goes on after that.” Thanks, unfiltered cigarette bingo hall lady. I am a feature act that just got readjusted.
Drugs and comedy
For the second time in the last two weeks, I was offered drugs after a show. I turned the esteemed gentleman down, only to then have him counteroffer with a construction job. Who better to take a job from than a man who just offered to “burn one down” with me? At least it was pot and not cocaine this time. I got offered cocaine for a t-shirt DVD at a show recently – unfortunately, I don’t know the street value of cocaine, but I’m pretty damn sure it’s worth more than my DVD, t-shirt, and just about anything else I had in my possession.
What?
I pulled out of my place tonight to do two shows and as I hit the ridiculous speed of 9 mph, I slid (in my one month old tires) into a rock. My bumper is now bent… Thank you decorative rock! What have you done for me? You provided me with so much beauty that I have never actually seen b/c you’re only a foot tall. In return, you gave such wonderful gifts, such as a $300 repair bill and a stroke as I entered my black out rage phase. Good news? No rocks at my two shows tonight, but I did see a biography of Nikita Kruschev at the indie bar my first show was at. As I cleared the vomit from my mouth, I realized at least Nikita (girl name) never dented my bumper in. Thanks, fem name commie! I will now dedicate my life to fighting decorative rocks. We will dine in hell tonight!
It’s official
I was in a heated game of “Let’s Dance 2” on the Wii, getting trounced by my six year old niece when I realized that the lyrics of Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok” (isn’t it cute how Ke$ha spells words incorrectly? Tee hee, God she sucks) may not be entirely appropriate for kids (most children shouldn’t brush their teeth with a bottle of Jack). As I made this known to the cialis tablets family I realized I had a bottle of Christmas Ale in my left hand the entire time. I am officially a drunk uncle now. I felt compelled to tell inappropriate stories of barfights at the dinner table or offend someone’s new date with a vile joke or limerick.
Top five things I could never hear again and be happy
1. “You working hard or ya hardly working?” Hardly working b/c I’m talking to an uninteresting zero. 2. “This weather is the worst I’ve seen in a while.” Really? It’s winter. Amazingly, it tends to repeat itself. It always sucks. 3. “Where is this relationship going?” Nowhere if you keep this up… 4. “Have you seen this (TV show, movie, etc.)?” No. “Well let me tell you all about it…” That’s great, I don’t have any reference point. If it is interesting, you just ruined it. If it sucks, I am now going to put this gun in my mouth and play can I hold out until you’re done. 5. “You’re the get cialis online father of my baby.” Blah, blah, blah…
Birthday present
I got my first chance to feature at the Funny Bone in Huntington, West Virginia. Dec. 26. I have done shows at strip clubs, punk rock bars, VFW halls, and God knows what else. Comedy is a rough biz. I have had beer pitchers thrown at me, people walk out, the show cancel with no call after I drove an hour. This is my chance. Kiss my ass, Sea Bass – I’m going to rock the hell out of WV. Sometimes these posts are for buy cheap cialis online me, this is one… Hell yeah.