CHRIS COEN

Thanks to the recent facebook trend of “30 songs in 30 days” people have to pick their least favorite song.  I was at a party and a majority of the room all picked “Hollaback Girl” by Gwen Stefani.  I hate this song more than than any other song of all time.  Its suckiness is beyond my grasp of the English language.   I began a short tirade by telling the room that the reason I hate that song, is that it is geared purely towards 13 year old girls, but was released as a legitimate recording.  I then said, “Look at other awful songs, like “Barbie Girl” by Aqua.  That song sucks, but at least it was released as a moronic dance song, meant purely for short term entertainment and stupid fun.  It is as advertised.”  Sitting to my immediate left was a girl I had never met before.  She then told me she traveled the world as a writer and lecturer on the topic of post-modern feminism.  Or something like that, I wasn’t listening b/c she’s a woman, right?  (Sexism!)  She then went on her own diatribe about how that song was so degrading towards women for about a minute, mentioning also that she had actually given speeches referencing that song.  Now I was in the unenviable position of defending “Barbie Girl” to the group.  I told her she put way too much thought into the very dumb song, but she was adamant that this song, which has made several “Worst song ever” lists in Rolling Stone and several TV shows.  This went on for five minutes and I felt my soul leaving my body.  Stonings in the Middle East?  Nah.  Differences in pay for women?  Not so much.  “Barbie Girl” by Aqua?  BURN OUR BRAS!  HELL NO, WE WON’T GO!  God, I will never understand feminism.

I haven’t paid to see a show in three years other than contests supporting my buddies.  That changes when I go to see one of my favorite comics tonight, Jim Norton.  He is vile and witty and will talk about literally anything.  I got satellite radio just b/c I love Opie and Anthony and he is a cog of that fantastic mess.  Tonight, I get to go and see how little I have accomplished, feel horrible about where I am in comedy, and laugh at inappropriate humor.  I just hope he doesn’t recall the email I sent him after way too many beers begging him to let me open for him in Pittsburgh.  No good emails or texts or voice mails come after midnight.  They’re either regarding death, a fire(usually with bonus death), unwanted sexual advances (worse than death), or for me – begging someone way above you to mericfully toss you dog bones/comedy gigs as they begin to file a restraining order against you just in case.

My aunt was recognized last night by the Ohio Foundation of Independent Colleges as the 2011 Volunteer of the Year, proving yet again the value of Coens to the world.  I heard a lot of speeches from dignitaries about their experiences in college and the advantages of a liberal arts education.  They also waxed philisophically on their decisions to attend their respective institutions.  Maybe I am way different, but college wasn’t really some life changer for me like that.  I went to Muskingum College (now University) b/c I got a full ride (yes, I’m a genius) and my Dad told me if I turned it down he would use the Ranger chokehold he learned in the Army on me if I didn’t.  I even delusionally played a year of football as a 201 lb. offensive lineman, even though at that point I was smoking half of pack a day and had as much chance of seeing the field as Sean Astin had of suiting up for Notre Dame (in the 70’s, now who knows?).  I heard stories tonight like “I remember walking the lake at (said college) with my future wife.”  My college stories were more like, “One time I put on a mini skirt for $12 and walked through New Concord.  Then I mooned a cop.”  I hated school and almost transferred until I joined a fraternity and started drinking like most people breathe.  In all fairness, I drank like that before I pledged, but I went home every other weekend to party in my buddy’s abandoned trailer w/ no heat outside of Zanesville.  I was awarded the XXX award (Tri Chi, not dirty) which went to the pledge who was the craziest young punk in the class for streaking a sorority and in general being a psychopath.  I would parlay this experience in real life by not adjusting to responsibility and having several run-ins with many police officers and authority figures.  I did get some great stories, however, and thanks to Justin Camp, my roommate of three years, eventually got into stand up.  Thanks college.

The top enemies of comedians are drunk single dudes who think they’re funny and blurt out stupid unfunny comments all show…and girls under 25.  This of course extends to bachelorette parties, the bane of a good show (See Coen vs. Drunk Chick on my site for an example).  Last night there were three attractive young white chicks who yelled out shit all night which I heard as “LOOK AT ME!  I’M YOUNG AND HOT!”  Yuck.  Of course, this was exacerbated by the comics kissing their ass b/c comics never get any and are desperate for any attention.  I ignored them wholly until one yelled out during my closer about dirty talk.  I said women are way better at dirty talk and she screamed.  I obviously called her a whore and it bounced off her annoying social armor, b/c she was recognized, making her night.  I can’t deal with people impervious to insults.  It is my weakness.  That, and tickling.  I hate being tickled, but that is for another blog.  I HAVE FACEBOOK!  I’M IMPORTANT!  Thank God I’m not 24 anymore, I can’t deal with that shit.

I was on yahoo and they had a video story about bald eaglets hatching, which I watched, because bald eagles love freedom and liberty.  I committed a grave error b/c I scrolled down and saw the stupid comments pouring onto the page.  One dude put “God wanted millions of these eagles in the sky, not airplanes.”  Is that in Acts or John 3?  “Then sayeth the Lord; Eagles = good, flying machines of metal = bad.  Don’t worry, you’ll find out what I’m talking about in 1903.  Keep it real.”  Look dummy, if God didn’t want man to fly around he wouldn’t have let man create America, where we invent everything from planes to nuclear bombs.  Rock n’ roll?  Check.  Sandwiches w/out that annoying bread getting in the way?  That’s us.  Hippies?  Alright, we screw up sometimes.  Try this experiment – go to a political or religious story and scroll down to the comments.  Within four comments you will find someone on the other side that you hate and someone on YOUR side that makes you embarrassed to agree with them.

They have added an “Ice Cold Easy Indicator” to my Busch Light cans.  This is the beer equivalent of putting spinners on a Geo Metro.  I buy 30 at a time, clearly the coldness is purely a bonus.  “How dare you serve this delicious mass-produced domestic light beer to me at 48 degrees or more?  I propose a duel!”  You had me from hello, Busch Light, you had me from hello.