Tonight my pal Cole Downs did his last show in Columbus before he moves to the Big Apple. Hopefully, for Columbus’s sake, it is indeed his last show (BURN!) It was fun, but this table of cows talked the entire time throughout the show, doing their best to stomp on a semi-emotional moment. I don’t have human emotions, so I am assuming it was emotional. As host Jeff Burgstrom pointed out, the only time they laughed (and it was a good show) was at a cup of straws. I sure hope they didn’t wreck on the way home…(I hope they wrecked). It was good and Cole did 20 minutes fun was had by all except the unsexables at the straw cup table. I just hated when there were a lot of man hugging at the end. I don’t even like shaking hands or the ol’ shoulder slap. Human contact bothers me. I was not nipple fed and this should be pretty obvious. Good luck, Cole! Don’t be homeless and for God’s sake, don’t try to hug me when you leave. I will shoot you.
Comedy Revolver
I did a show called the Comedy Revolver where five comics got together onstage and one did jokes while the other four made funny quips/insults at will. It was the most fun I’ve had since the Halloween show where we went as other local comics. Highlights from the show – Travis Hoewischer called me the second most famous person from Zanesville. That is like being the second fly on a dog turd. Jeff Burgstrom and I went into way too depth about the intricacies of DUI’s…moving on. Anthony O’Connell called Cole Downs and I his best friends, to which I replied, “I don’t have friends, I have people I hate less.” This sadly got a huge laugh, which sadly, I loved. Check out wildgoosecreative.com for the whole lineup the rest of the week – nice mix of standup and sketch.
Columbus Comedy Festival 2 tonight!
The times they are a changin’
I am going back to my old fraternity house this weekend for an alumni clean up day. One of the stipulations put down by the Politburo/college admins is that we can’t have any alcohol. In fact, bottles are banned in general and the six-pack max is stricly enforced…on alumni. I went to an alumni event a couple years ago and they told us we couldn’t be outside. On the back deck. Attached to the house. Look up the word “draconian” for reference. That said, my generation of miscreants may have helped speed this police state mentality up a bit. When I was there, we routinely tossed bottles at a rival frat house next door. Why? I say, “Why not?” One time I walked out and my brothers chucked about 40 bottles into their bottom hall door area. As we walked back in, one lone bottle flew back and hit our house. My very roid rage friend who was 5’4″ and 255 pure muscle (so musclebound he wiped between his legs due to limb length vs. upper body mass issues) said, “No one tosses bottles at our house!” He ran next door immediately. My buddy said, “Should we help him?” “No, I think he’s got it under control.” The next five minutes were filled with screams, noises of stuff getting kicked, and general chaos. My angry friend emerged, followed by two guys carrying cases of beer, the sacrifice offering of peace to appease the gods. They set the beer at our feet and Rage Boy immediately dumped one out and fired the bottle back at the opposing frat house over the heads of two very dejected young men, who were out of beer and pride. This was on a Saturday at about five p.m. and absolutely nothing about this surprised me. I am friends with a lot guys from that fraternity, but I think they were secretly planning on setting fire to our house, which coincidentally, I saw a guy do to their house bathroom with liquid cintronella and paper towels. College – building the leaders of tomorrow. Sometime I’ll tell you all about the guy that used to get naked and hide behind the pop machine to jump out at students going to dinner (no, unfortunately, not me) or the time I ran from the cops in my boxers barefoot through the woods b/c my “friends” tried to hijack a bulldozer.
Comedy contests
I emceed and closed the first round of the Columbus Funny Bone’s “Open Mike Talent Search, 2011” last night. 44 total comics competing for the chance to win, I had 12 tonight on the lineup. Of those, three were brand new. One of the newbs asked me before the show “Who do I have to talk to get paid work around here?” Good question! He got bounced. Maybe make it past the first round. That helps. Another ran his set by me. This enrages me to the nth degree. I’m the emcee, I’ll see your whole set, stupid. At least let it be fresh and new for five minutes. For my sake. Advice for new comics – if you want to win…try stand up BEFORE the contest. I did comedy for almost a year before entering and I was still a wreck. Also, comedy clubs are a business. If you bring no one and don’t set the stage on fire…you’re probably getting bumped for the dullard that brought 45 people, no matter what. It’s a business. Your jokes < 45 sold tickets and 200+ sold drinks. The last point is that I know great comics that have never won a competition and I have won three. Winning Tulsa’s “Funniest Joke Man” doesn’t mean HBO and Comedy Central are knife fighting like the Jets and the Sharks to host your next five minute special. NO! I want to sell ad space for 25 minutes! This guy is a 300 second prodigy!
New material
I did a “booked” open mike Sunday night. It was not the first time I’ve done the room, so I decided to mix it up with some fresh new material. I bombed pretty badly. I didn’t practice, I did a couple hack premises, and had no punchline to one joke at all. I think it’s good to really eat it as a comic every once in a while, after all, weakness is for the weak. That being said, if I have two more shows like that this week, I may jump off a building.