CHRIS COEN

It wouldn’t be fair to talk about my show last weekend without leading in with the last time I was here.  I got a gig, checked into the hotel, and drove over to the show.  About 15 minutes before the show (where I was supposed to do 30 minutes), a guy said to me, “Where’s your buddy?”  Me: “What?”  Him: “The other comic.”  “I have no clue.”  He walked away.  About five minutes later, he said “Well he’s late, you have to do the show until he gets here.”  OK, terrific.

They were merciful and delayed the show a whopping five minutes.  I went up and did one hour of comedy…then ran out o’ jokes.  I then paused and told the crowd what was going on.  I then proceeded to tell tales from my misfit past for the next 25-30 minutes and ran out of those.  Much to my benefit, the headliner walked in and I got the hell off the stage, but thankfully, the crowd stood up and applauded.  Every once in awhile people are pretty damn cool.

I got no extra pay, but the bar comped my tab and I took full advantage of it.  The headliner, to his credit, drove me to the hotel and then back to my car in the morning.  I am pretty sure he hated my guts for that, but I really didn’t give a hot shit after doing everything but tap dancing to fill 90 minutes of stage time.  Showbusiness!  Dance for me, you puppet!  Sigh…

New podcast with Jake Iannarino.  http://jakeiannarino.com/2012/03/the-reprobate-travelcast-episode-2/  Check it out for travel stories from my travels in Mexico…and eastern Ohio.

Last one of these…

#41 No one has the magic key to comedy.  If they say they do, they’re a dick (myself included).

#42 Getting a check after a bad show is very scary.  Comics like cash.

#43 Every comedian wishes they started earlier in their life.

#44 Winning a comedy contest is a great feeling…for about a month.  Then you realize it means very little other than a nice intro.

#45 Writing new jokes becomes infinitely harder when you start getting paid work.  That said, constantly writing new jokes when no one pays you should tell you something.

#46 Recording a good DVD is harder than anything you’ll ever do as a comic.

#47 After you start getting paid work for a year, you’re surprised anyone has ever paid you to tell jokes.

#48 Every time you record a set and kill, your camera fucks up.

#49 Every time your friends finally come to show, the venue sucks.

#50 Taking a quick piss right before you go up is the worst decision you can make once you realize you dribbled on yourself.

And a bonus…thanks to Dan #51 Every comedian will use a new comic for a ride, booze, or some other favor in return for a promise of a gig that never happens.

#31 Every comic does stuff they know.  Examples – Gay comedians do gay jokes.  Fat comics do jokes about being fat.  I do jokes about drinking and being a hilljack, sorry if you want jokes about foreign films and fine wines.

#32 Exception to the rule above: I do relationship jokes, thus proving truth #31.

#33 Every comedian bitches about people texting during their set…then promptly updates all their social network sites while other comics are onstage.

#34 Every comic has a really funny story they can’t make into a funny joke.  It sucks.

#35 Following a really awful comedian is every comic’s dream/nightmare.

#36 Stand-up comics hate improv groups, who hate sketch groups, who hate stand-ups.  It’s like city boys who make fun of small towners, who bash hillbillies, who call city boys pussies.

#37 Everyone’s definition of clean is different.  I had one, until I had to do a kid’s show.  I did three minutes and bailed.

#38 Your definition of clean doesn’t equal the club’s.  Trust me.

#39 Never underestimate the stupidity of drunk people.  Your English literature joke is no match for a guy smacking his own ass onstage.

#40 Free booze at a show is awesome.  Until you realize the town you’re in has no taxi service.

More from the booze soaked mind…

#21 If you are a female comic, someone will come up to you after the show and say, “I normally don’t find women funny, but…”  This HAS to be annoying, but I have a weiner, so I just have to assume it is.

#22 “Alternative comedy” means a pothead talking and talking until you realize his/her ranting about God knows what is supposed to be comedy.

#23 Every comedian hates being asked, “When’s your next show?” because 99% of the time the person asking has absolutely no intention of attending, even if your next show is 100 feet from their front door.

#24 Any white comic’s first show in front of an all black crowd is the most terrifying show they’ve ever done.

#25 Advice for new comics: Don’t do specific references to your favorite indie band.  No one knows who the fuck they are.

#26 Every show, circa 1995, used to give free booze to comics.  Now, almost none do.  There is a reason why – comedians are alcohol camels.

#27 Every comedian thinks they are better than all but about four other comedians ever.

#28 Hecklers are bottle fed douchebags who aren’t funny enough to get onstage.

#29 For some reason, when you destroy a heckler, the crowd hates you if you go too far…unless they are really asking for it.

#30 Every comedian that has done comedy for 4 or more years has seen a physical altercation post-show.  Oh by the way, it is your best comedy story that you tell all your friends.

#11 There is nothing funnier than watching a new comedian bash an experienced emcee, because the revenge line will be so mean upon the emcee returning, it trumps the newbies’ whole act.

#12 Delusion is the number one trait of new comics.  See #11.

#13 New black comedians are 50/50 on having stage names.  New white comedians are dumb enough to use their real names.  Either way, no one will remember your name, so I guess it doesn’t matter.

#14 Any new, young, white male comic will, without fail, do a joke about jerking off.

#15 Any new, young, black male comic will, without fail, do a joke about banging white chicks.

#16 Anytime you see a comedian reading jokes off a piece of paper, they suck.  Hard.

#17 High energy black comedians make white middle aged crowds laugh.  Or act like they’re laughing because they’re scared.

#18 Low-energy white comedians make black any-aged crowds heckle the shit out of them.

#19 Men and women are different.  Black and white people are different.  Dogs and cats are different.  Your joke based on those premises probably isn’t different than what’s been done a million times, but if you find a good one, it will kill every time.

#20 There is nothing more depressing than selling shirts after a show…and going home with a full bag of shirts.  NOTHING!