CHRIS COEN

I walked into the studio and realized no normal human being was working this early.  Thankfully, they had coffee that was so strong I’m surprised I didn’t shit my pants smelling it.  Arch, Elliot, Dan and Kristie were great and we got rolling right off the bat.  The second my baritone man voice said hello and good morning, the crew reacted with some “Holy Shit” type reflexes.  “Well, I actually went through puberty 14 times.”  Laughs all around!  Success…then a break.  I like the format, don’t give me enough time to bury myself with horrible one-liners.

We had some nice back and forths in the segments and I actually got to do almost three minutes of stand-up live.  This is where it was a little different…  First off, I have never done a comedy show in the AM, let alone on a Wednesday.  Plus the “crowd” was the staff, which was weird at first, until I realized there were thousands listening…and I have actually done a paid show for four people.  That show almost made me quit comedy, but moving on.  The hardest part was the fixed mike and headphones.  I move around a bit, but I never use a mike stand and the headphones made me feel restricted.  I might as well have worn a thong.

That said, it was fun and I felt so much more comfortable than being on TV.  It’s hard to look this good and be filmed, knowing what I’m doing to women everywhere.  I like radio more.  Actually, the real reason is on radio no one could see the bags under my eyes from my “pal” Jim Beam.  I will post the link as soon as they put it up and thanks to the staff and my buddy Dan for the recommendation.  Just one minor complaint.  My website is chriscoencomedy.com, not chriscoen.com.  Some dick in Oklahoma bought that URL.  Thanks dickface in Oklahoma, I hope we meet in a Chris Coen deathmatch someday.  There can be only one Chris Coen!

I was asked to guest on a new spot on QFM 96.3 in Columbus this week.  I was pretty happy to do it for the press and because all comics are media whores.  Or just whores, but I digress.  I actually had a little reservation due to the fact the show had me doing 2-3 minutes live.  I am not exactly a church comic, but no problem.  I got up at 5:30ish and went over.

The problem was that the road had two names and the actual building was one of those corporate centers where five of the places look exactly the same.  I was due on air at 7:15 am and at 7 I was screaming curse words driving like a maniac over what seemed like 2 foot speed bumps looking for the place.  I found it and the door was locked.  If I had any trouble being awake, that was over.  Thankfully, I had the phone number and they let me in.

My brain was racing with these words…don’t curse…don’t curse…don’t curse…I should’ve pooped…don’t curse…  I walked in and ta-da!  Radio show is live.  (More tomorrow, I had an open mike last night and am exhausted.  Stay tuned.)

In honor of my radio appearance today, I harken back to a simpler time when I was an unknown DJ instead of this unknown comedian.  I signed up for a class in college and to complete the one single useless credit, I got to DJ a three hour show.  It would have been four, but they pre-empted “51%” over my first hour.  It’s a show about women’s issues on NPR aka politically correct version of stuff I know nothing about.  Great!

I then was told my format was “Adult Album Alternative.”  I didn’t know what that meant, but basically not only crappy college music (colleges got free shitty CD’s to sample/use as beer coasters), but easy listening also.  With “51%” and easy listening, I might as well have called my time the Vagina Boy Hour, starring Chris Coen.  Needless to say, I had issues with the professor.  I played one GNR song and he gave me a warning.  That song?  The thrash metal axe-grinder “Don’t Cry.”

Well, I got back at them.  If my show is going to suck, I thought…it’s really going to suck.  I found a Native American crooner that did all songs about animals with titles like, “My Brother the Eagle” and “The Majestic Wolf.”  He would sing, then an eagle would cry.  Next song he sang, then a wolf howled.  I played that garbage on repeat, then read “fun” facts to close out the show, like when the National Cow Chip Tossing Championship was being held and where.  The semester ended and I never DJ’d again.  But somewhere in New Concord, Ohio, someone has that damn animal CD replaying in their nightmares.  Thanks for listening to our show.  Stay safe, and Vagina Boy thanks you for listening.  ARROOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

I had a pretty boring Friday, but Saturday made up for it.  My pals went to a bar running a promotion – $3 cover and everything basic (shots, beer, mixed drinks) was $1.  It was a zoo.  I thought it was interesting when the college students in front of me heard about the $3 cover and left.  I wanted to shake them and slap one of them in face – “Did you hear about the shots?  They’re $1!”

One of my crew pulled a ninja move and wandered off before the first half of the game was even over.  He may be dead or getting spooned by a homeless man as I type this.  I hope for his sake, he’s dead.  After watching an entire bar shoot down $1 whiskey shots and God knows what else, I then sat back and watched the destruction.  I saw a few pass-outs, but my favorite was a chick spraying down the patio with vomit.  A guy, clearly trying his damnedest to get in her pants, held her hair and tried to kiss her right after.  (He wasn’t sober either, FYI)  College party!  Now I remember why I drink at home most of the time.

Side note – Columbus, be sure to check out my appearance on QFM 96.3 around 7:15 am Wednesday morning until around 8 am.  My debut and probably final appearance, but radio nonetheless!

Season 3 kicked off Sunday for the Walking Dead.  For the seven people that don’t know, it’s a show where a virus turns people into flesh eating zombies and the 5-10% of survivors run around in a post-apocalyptic hell…like Detroit, but with less crime and slightly more walking dead.

I love the show, but they really screw some things up.  First off, apparently in the future, no one has ever heard of a WALL.  More zombies spill into their living areas than I can count.  BUILD A FREAKING WALL.  Second, spears anyone?  Given the choice of a foot long hammer or a modified spear, I’ll take the weapon that puts me a body length away from a corpse trying to devour my flesh.  Finally, the undead sneak up on this group about every 17 minutes.  Do shuffling, groaning groups of zombies really move that quietly, especially when they’re rolling 27 deep?  Come on, people.

That feels better.  Now I can enjoy the show again.  Well, almost.  Can some walker please finish off Carl?  Please?  That kid is going to be 22 years old if this keeps going and he puts the group in more danger than tossing a bucket of chum on top of sea divers.  Back to the show.

– If you base your vote off the VP debate only, you are a moron.  I’m a history buff and I can’t name five VP’s that did anything other than wave next to the president at campaign rallies during their terms.

– I give my dog bones when he gets on my nerves and he goes away.  If someone invents a human “bone”, I will tattoo their name on my chest.

– If someone calls me chief and they’re not being sarcastic, my butthole clinches up instantly.

– I love dogs.  Just probably not your dog.  He jumped on me and slobbered on my shirt.  “He never does that!” doesn’t work when he just did that.  Your dog sucks and so do you.

– I picked up twelve shows in the last 10 days in four states.  I sense a traffic ticket in my near future…  Thanks for nothing in advance, karma!