CHRIS COEN

My girlfriend got me a ticket to the ballet last week.  She is at least smart enough to know I am a caveman, so she has to pick one I can sort of relate to, like one about drinking or with rock music instead of classical.  There are no ballets involving 30 packs, so I got to go to Dracula.  I like Dracula stuff!  Yay vampire fighting!

We got off to a bad start because for some reason, Dracula pops out of the casket, scene one – ass naked.  I found out later he was wearing a “dance belt”, which is apparently a jock strap, but with less surface area coverage.  Not cool, ballet, not cool!  I could do a naked ass scene if the money was right, but no one would know my cheeks were uncovered.  Thank you recessive ass hair gene!

It was pretty easy to follow, but the moron lady next to me said, “I don’t get it.  This is pretty dark.”  What?  I’m sorry, Dracula is such an obscure story, with the millions of books, dozens of movies and the fact that every Halloween there are Dracula everythings in plain sight.  “What’s this Jesus Christ Superstar about?  I’ve never heard of him.”  Stupid ass lady.  She actually walked out.  I hope she got attacked by a real vampire on the way home and by vampire I mean bus.

It was good, but I kept thinking of the movie and Winona Ryder and Keanu Reeves’ horrible acting.  My God, did they actually get paid for that?  Anyhoo, I will probably be back sometime, but if I get more male nudity, I am walking.  You have been warned, ballet.  Me and lady that has never heard of Dracula will be pounding Bud drafts at the bar.

As teased yesterday (you’re probably saying what or who cares), here’s my brief list of things I tried onstage Wednesday of things that annoyed me that day:

– Lance Armstrong.  Not because he cheated, but because he made bicycling a conversation strangers brought up around me.  Burn in hell.

– Parents who pierce their baby’s ears.  That is more white trash than a free Marshall Tucker Band concert at a county fair in Louisiana.

– Dry wedding receptions.  Are you Mormon?  No?  Then here’s your gift.  I took back the cash from the card and replaced it with an old Subway gift card.

– Facebook political reposter.  Oh, thanks for the “truth” about the issues…which you reposted directly from the candidate’s website.  I’m sure that’s not biased.

– And finally Taylor Swift.  I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever like your music.  Boo hoo, I’m a pretty, white, 22 year old multi millionaire…I’m so heart broken.  No wonder you keep getting dumped.  Katy Perry’s music sucks, but at least she puts on tight shirts and jumps up and down.  Buy some boobs or a new songwriting team and shut the fuck up.

That felt better.  Enjoy your weekend.

Every year, the local Wednesday open mike at the Surly Girl Saloon hosts a Halloween comedy show.  It’s basically comedians wearing outfits doing characters and (usually) lampooning other comedians’ bits.  Kind of like a roast, but with outfits.  One year me and my pals Anthony and Cole all went as each other and did each others’ acts, but with a lot more self insults tossed in there.

This year, I looked in my closet and realized I had Jesus from the Big Lebowski…rather limited there.  I had the real Jesus…even my blasphemy has its limits.  I had a blonde wig, but I’m not fat or uninteresting enough to be Christina Aguilera…  I also found a Dukes of Hazzard sleeping bag, a captain’s hat, two more wigs, a fake beard and women’s workout clothes from the year I was Britney Spears.  Son of bitch, looks like I’m not going as anything.  Oh, and there’s my Mr. Slave from South Park, but as a straight man, I’m not wearing chaps in the Short North.

I finally decided to do angry Chris Coen, which is actually just regular Chris Coen.  More on that tomorrow.

 

In case I see you in person, let’s get this out of the way now.  “Sure got cold out quick!”  “Yep, if you don’t like the weather around here, wait five minutes!”  “Boy, people sure forgot how to drive in the snow!”  “I hear that!”  “I can’t believe we got snow!”  “At least we’re not ______.”  “I hear that!”  “I had to get out my winter coat early this year!”  “Me too, that wind sure is cold!”

Now that we had this conversation already via my blog, please keep this dialogue to your damn self now.  Give me a nice, “This weather sucks my ass!” and we’re good.  While I’m at it, none of these either – “You workin’ hard, or hardly workin’!” or my old pervert favorite, “If I was ten years younger, I’d be hitting that!”  One, hardly workin’, cause I’m talking to an idiot.  Two, no you wouldn’t.  She’s hot, your gut has been hanging over your dick since 1987.  And you have unpopped blackheads on your nose, I can see them from here and I wear contacts.  That felt good, we should talk more often…via my blog.

In case you don’t know how to use the tabs at the top, I’m here November 9th and 10th.  www.secondstreetcomedyclub.com  Get your tickets now, Harrisburg, before all the prison empty with my fanbase.

Last I emceed the “Open Mike Talent Search” at the Funny Bone.  Here’s my favorite moments.

– One guy opened up with a donkey show joke…then smoothly transitioned into giving parenting advice.  Hmm, I’m all ears!

– One contestant forgot her material 30 seconds in.  This is usually not good for comedians.

– I realized no one in the crowd was up for answering any questions.  After a lot of blank stares, I surmised aloud that the crowd was full of orphans that didn’t like sports, know Columbus had a casino and were all straight people that hung out in gay bars.  That got more laughs than anything else I did all night.

Overall it was a good show, but I realized I forgot to zip up my pants for ten minutes after the tinkle I took.  Thank God I didn’t go onstage like that, but I’m pretty sure at least seven people saw my undies.  I am going to be a mess when I’m old, but in fairness, old people usually don’t care.  Take it all in, strangers!