CHRIS COEN

One of the worst things about being a comic in this part of the country is travel.  I took a gig with my buddy Bob Cook in Michigan.  Of course, hours before the show, 3 inches of snow hit the last third of our four hour trip.  Nothing like choosing between being behind a semi tossing nature’s excrement on your windshield or trying to pass, which means going across an icy patch of death to get to the left lane.  I also missed the exit, which was impossible to see, so I may have broken a few laws cutting across the highway.

We made the show, which I’ve done before.  The owners and staff were great, but of course, they send up free shots if you’re doing well.  No shots means you’re bombing, so you kind of want a few…until you realize there is no cab service in a town that size.  It’s OK, I’m sure the cops love out of state plates.  Damnit.

The show went very well, despite the weather keeping the crowd smaller.  Plus I sold one beer coozie after the show, so I’m super rich now.  I’ll probably go out and buy a helicopter to save time on my next road gig through a semi-blizzard.

It takes a special type of scumbag to heckle at a comedy show.  They are drunk, attention hungry unoriginal douchebags who don’t have the smarts or balls to tell jokes themselves.  The comedian aside, they also ruin the other patrons’ experience.  Lastly, most of them paid to get in and then get booted.  That’s just bad money policy.  I guess not everyone was held as a baby.

I had a show the other night.  The crowd was very good, which was impressive because they supported the comics and the burlesque dancers with equal energy.  Until my pal Justin’s set…  A drooling mouthbreathing lady decided to talk, very loudly, for no reason, about things other than his act.  The staff approached and told them if they couldn’t quiet down, they would be asked to leave.  Her answer?  “I would ask you to fuck off!”  Classy and intelligent, I see.

What happened next made my small and cold heart warm.  Justin addressed it, she kept blabbing.  “Well, I get it, she needs the attention.  She’s mildly attractive now, but it’ll disappear soon.”  She got rage pissed and her whole table ended up walking.  The beauty was that the insult appeared to be in that her looks would fade, but it was actually in the mildly attractive part of the statement.   The only amazing part is that she was genuinely surprised that she ruined the show for all parties, yet the guy with a microphone would dare interrupt her important conversation!  What a dick!  I can only hope a history of inbreeding in her family line has wrecked her ability to reproduce herself.

500 gallons of lube.  Proof you can buy anything on the internet.  My buddy Rich sent me this link – http://www.amazon.com/Passion-Natural-Water-Based-Lubricant-Gallon/dp/B005MR3IVO/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top.  I had to pass it along, partly for the product and mostly for the reviews.

I won’t try to steal the reviewers’ thunder, but I can’t quit thinking of the logistics.   I couldn’t store a 55 gallon drum of anything in my garage, let alone my house.  I’m sure also that may make other people uncomfortable.  It would be a nice conversation piece though…like a battle axe or Zulu war mask, only less historical and more creepy.

Lastly, I would not want to meet the person who has over $1200 in funds for lube.  If one of my pals told me he was dropping $100 on bedroom fun props, I would probably drop $100 in sanitizer after the discussion.  Does it come with a hose or tap?  Or do you just grab a fistful o’ lube and a squeegee?  So many questions.  Even more lube.  This world is full of weirdos.  Now excuse me, I have to discuss this with my dog, he won’t believe this either.

I had a meeting for my condo association last night.  We brought in a lawyer to discuss several important issues.  He was going over some important legal issues and saw some of us (probably me) didn’t fully comprehend what was going on.  Or probably the lady that resigned rather than sit through the meeting.  Yes, that happened.

He said, “Let me put it a different way, does anyone like Seinfeld?”  Almost everyone nodded.  “It’s like the condo complex Jerry’s parents live in.”  I got excited, because I finally had something to contribute.  “Del Boca Vista!”, I blurted out.  Everyone turned at stared at me with annoyance mixed with awe.  I realize it had nothing to do with his point, brought zero value to the discussion, and in general extended the meeting several unnecessary seconds, which in a meeting of any type is unforgivable.  That said, I’m glad I did it and quite frankly, was rather let down no one else knew that.  So there.  We’ll have the airing of grievances later.

My open mike on Monday had some great conversations and comedy moments.  Here’s a snippet.

Guy walked in and said, “Do you have any Goldschlager?”  No, I don’t think so.  “OK, I’ll take a coffee.”  How one is on the fence between coffee and Goldschlager, I’ll never know.  However, my mornings would be more interesting.

A comic did a joke about whipping it out.  Minutes later, another comic said, “That story Zach said about whipping it out reminds me of a story…”  Chances are, not a story anyone wants to hear.  Except me, that stuff cracks me up, both the callback and the story itself.

Finally, one of our regular performers told a tale of a homeless guy getting robbed at the shelter he is in.  Yes, he’s homeless too.  The man was in a rage over being robbed.  I can tell you this, if there are three people in a room, someone is stealing something.  I lived in a fraternity house in college with 33 other guys.  Dirty movies, booze and tobacco got stolen so often, armed guards at every door couldn’t stop it.  My roomie bought a skin mag once and went to the restroom.  By the time he flushed, some “brother” of ours stole it and half a pack of Marlboro lights.  You can imagine what strangers will do.

The day after New Year’s I had a little tickle in my throat.  Two days later, my sinus became filled with plumber’s caulk and I had the energy of an eighty year old man.  So my weekend involved a lot of TV and home remedies.  I considered drilling a hole into my sinus cavity, but I don’t think my insurance covers it.

I snorted, drank and pill-popped meds like I was Lindsay Lohan on a Friday night (how’s that for a 2007 joke!).  My personal favorite was ingesting apple cider vinegar and honey.  I like honey.  I would rather drink expired tartar sauce rather than smell vinegar.  It worked for about ten minutes.

I also managed to watch a lot of TV.  Thanks to Billy Madison being on MTV, I saw at least 55 commercials with the Real World and Teen Mom 2.  I realized the only thing keeping these shows from being the same is luck and a few rubbers.  I also managed to do some manly things like loading firewood and fixing a generator.  Well maybe not manly, I mean the firewood was pre-chopped and all I had to do was chuck it in a Jeep.  Oh and the generator worked, I just had to put gas on the carburetor, which took me entirely too long to find.  Now if only I get healthy this week, I can fight a bear and check off another box of my man card.  I’m kidding, if you hear anyone say man card, please slap them.