Hey everyone, I have transitioned from comedy to survival training. First video is here on my You Tube channel! More to come in the next few days – listen for how to subscribe.
The official chriscoencomedy.com COVID-19 statement
The executive president, owner, founder and CEO of chriscoencomedy.com has released the following statement in regards to the COVID-19 pandemic:
“Did you wash your damn hands before you clicked on this page? You just picked your nose and smashed that link with your unwashed hands? You disgust me. Go wash your hands. Now. I’ll wait.
OK, now that that nasty business in concluded…we here at www.chriscoencomedy.com want all of our customers to know (checks sales from website)…seriously, none of you bought anything? WE AIN’T CLEANIN’ NUTHIN’ THEN. TO HELL WITH ALL Y’ALL!
God, this is pointless. Wash your hands, wash your ass, don’t touch people and if you’re sick stay home. Seriously, quit saving your PTO for hangovers. Keep your snotty self quarantined. Also, why are you buying seven months worth of stuff. Don’t be a dick. Some lonely old person without the internet needs water and TP. Leave some for the rest of us. Except alcohol, I’m definitely hoarding that. Buy gift cards for restaurants, help your friends and family out and when you can, tip extra to those in the service industry. Oh and in a pinch you can drink the water out of the top of the toilet. It’s more sanitary than people trying to cram their political spin on a pandemic. Remember one thing also – COVID-19 or not – you can wash your hands any time, but touch me never.”
I watched my own comedy from a decade ago and they were right
When I first started stand-up, I heard various people tell me it took ten years to get really good; others threw out five or seven, but it was longer than I wanted to hear. Every comic thinks they are headliner ready after two sets and a laugh. I was at the Columbus Funny Bone open mic my first year and some really cocky guy was pounding drinks with his meathead buddies (basically reminding me of myself if I had started stand-up a few years earlier). He had a good set, which he should have, he brought twenty people. I should rephrase, he got a bunch of laughs, the set was not good. As he was smoking on the patio, his bros were saying all kinds of stupid like “You should be headlining here bro!” I finally couldn’t take it (I was a four month vet at that point) and said to one who was asking how he could headline – “Good luck, you just need to do that about seventy more times in a row.” His friend was arguing with me almost to the point of fighting. He left and came back the next week sans friends and our “young comic to watch” ate a steaming pile of fecal souffle.
I had to sit through old clips at 5 am while my son was trying to poop trying to find a particular block of jokes and it was horrifying. Keep in mind, I won three comedy contests in the first three years I did stand-up. Not Jerry’s Bar and Grill comedy night contests, like ones at real comedy clubs that are still in business. I actually deleted some clips off the internet forever. It wasn’t even just content. Here’s what I learned.
Holy hell, stop saying the same lead in phrases. I watched a clip that actually went to television and before every joke I said, “Here’s the thing.” I didn’t even know I said that in real life, but I said it before every joke.
GET RID OF THE BEER IDIOT. I used to swill a drink after every joke, like I was soaking in the laughs or had a medical condition where I need a sip after each and every sentence.
I was single back then and it showed. Good God, when you run all your jokes past the same group of people…just don’t do it. I think this is solid advice for everyone. One thing I will say back then is I took EVERY room that would book me, so I hope I broke out of that phase.
I do 95% less awkward squirm humor now and I would 10/10 recommend. At least for yourself watching.
COMICS UPDATE YOUR CLIPS. This is my most solid advice. I hate uploading videos and I got really tired of a few people almost demanding I put up material weekly, so I quit. For over ten years. No one should have to put up three hours and actually most comics should avoid putting anything up for the first year or two, but it burned me pretty bad recently and my new goal has become to record a new set in high quality. You may be a great comic, but without a good recording, good luck getting people to buy your solid word.
It’s not all negative, I did find two jokes I forgot I wrote I may do again. The other twelve I’m writing down, setting on fire and burying the ashes in the deepest ocean fissure I can find.
Wash your hands and other things you should know as a human already
Hey everyone! The disease du jour coronavirus is gearing up and has caused everyone to have to learn stuff! Never mind the savage influenza outbreaks every three years should have taught you this shit already, it’s cool care only about diseases that really haven’t hit America yet!
WASH YOUR HANDS! Did you guys know there’s this CRAZY thing called washing hands? I know, right? Here I am, rubbing down public bathroom seats and doorhandles, wondering why I’m all sick and some prophet comes along and tells me to wursh my hands! What’s next, showering?
DON’T HANG OUT WITH SICK PEOPLE OR IF YOU’RE SICK STAY HOME. Now this is next level, I thought by going into very public places when ill rather than rest, it would harness the positive vibes and heal me miraculously. Turns out you’re a-sposed to stay away from others.
DON’T TOUCH STUFF. Step 1, buy $200 mask. Step 2, put it on. Step 3, slap your mitt right on the public handrail at the airport and drag it down a mile of disease! HEY, WHY DID I GET SICK? I HAS A MASK!
Side note: this is sarcasm and if any of this was news to you, please go away. Don’t even click on this site anymore. I may get your virus plague via the interwebs.
Aaaaaaaannnnndddd denied!
I had a headline set Saturday in a town I had never performed in. Easy drive, great food and friendly staff. My set went well and I actually remembered to bring my merchandise. There’s two things I hate in comedy (not counting new comics, hecklers…OK, I hate a lot of things, but two about myself): watching/recording my sets and selling merch.
When I first started, I recorded all the time and the quality was garbage. I was doing it with a camera that technically could record, so it looked like a bootleg copy already. I recently went back and watched some clips to find a good five minute one for a festival and ta-da, I don’t have one. I hated the three I found online and the website Rooftop Comedy, that had all my high quality, professionally shot clips went away suddenly last year. NO I DIDN’T BACK ANYTHING UP.
Selling merch sucks too, but you can make some money. You have watch the trap – I dated a girl once that went to a casino and told me, “I won $50!” How much did you gamble? “$100.” Ah, so you lost $50. Merch is like that. Perfect example – I wrote a book over the course of five years. It took six months with the help of my publisher, Paul, to arrange it. I got testimonials from other comics (thanks Bill, Dan and Rick), had cover art done (thanks Laura) and had to pay to have copies made, then shipped out. I don’t sell at cost.
After my show Saturday, I sold three books and four coozies. Not going to buy that private jet, but I’ll take it. A younger couple approached me and the woman said, “How much is your book?” “$15.” She shot a look at her man and began thumbing through it. I saw doubt. “I’ll throw in a coozie if you buy one.” She then proceeded to read almost every chapter title for about 45 seconds. It was uncomfortable. Any other authors you enjoy also do live stand up comedy for you for 45 minutes? No? THEN BUY IT OR BUZZ OFF. I finally began talking to others and she set the book down and left. I guess I should have asked .35 cents for it as I shook a copper cup with a few coins in it. “Alms for the poor, milady?”
February should be removed from the calendar
I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out. First off, February is spelled dumb, so there’s that. It’s the shortest/longest month of the year and it is evil and needs to be destroyed. It’s cold, you are broke from Christmas and there are no good holiday. Sure Valentine’s Day is great, unless you’re single or forgot a gift, then it’s hell. President’s Day could really be any day. Let’s have it in January.
“But what about Black History Month?” It should be in a normal month anyways, not a short one. Get woke, get rid of February. “But I was born in February?” Want to be older or younger? Feb is gone, it’s all yours to pick a new birthday! “It was my wedding anniversary month!” You made everyone travel during this garbage weather for your wedding? That’s on you, not us. Pick a new month.
Plus how much more sense does it make to have St. Patrick’s Day right before or after Valentine’s Day in March? Take your lover out, get some points built up, then get smashed all day. Other scenario, get blasted, then use V Day to make up for it.
I think of everything, you’re all welcome. While we are at it, get rid of stupid daylight savings, everyone’s excited the sun is still out at 6 pm right now. YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TO GET PUMPED FOR THE SUN STILL SHINING 10% AT 6 PM.