Author: Chris

I have been to a ton of weddings and noticed common themes.  When I walked into one Saturday, I was greeted by “way too excited and interested in everyone lady”.  Every sentence was delivered like she was talking to people in heaven for the first time.  “Oh, my, it’s SO NICE to see all you wonderful people!  I love when we all get together!”  (No one knew who this lady was).  I looked over later and saw her pounding wine like her throat was on fire.  That explains a lot.

Kids dancing is a staple of weddings and quite sly, as parents use this to wear the little hellions out for the ride home.  There’s always a little kid that’s way too excited and a drunk guy that is breaking it down by himself near the bar, waiting for the kids to get off the floor so he can try to woo whatever ladies showed up without dates.  I know this from experience, sadly.

Finally, there is the complete mess.  Usually a female, very drunk, probably dressed a little too slutty and very insistent that this was the best wedding ever.  “Oh my God, you two are SO perfect together, I just know this will work out!”  Thanks, saucehound!  Have you met my friend the dancing guy by the bar?  I think you two should hit the dance floor for our amusement.

Columbus traffic right now SUCKS.  I hate it.  Even more, I hate the diabolical madness of whatever gov’t official is deciding to change the lane pattern every other f/n day.  Also, why are they blocking off everything from Grove City to Gahanna when no one is working on more than 150 yards a pop?  Why does this anger me so?  There is nothing I hate more than wasting time due to other people.  I’ll waste my own time with video games, beer, and facebook, but when someone interrupts me, I turn purple with rage.

Thus, Occupy Wall Street.  Some of them had good points, but most are just creeps and college students bitching.  I’ve seen stories of them shitting on cop cars, throwing rocks at cops, spreading TB and other diseases from the filth, a couple anti-Semitic rants (yes, blame the Jews, no one’s done that before), and of course, THE RAPES.  Now, to top it off, they’re blocking transportation in some cities (the Occupy “movement” as a collective).  If I lived in NYC, I would murder someone in a year due to the traffic, people, and cramped conditions.  I can’t imagine some blue collar laborer has much tolerance for Cale the modern film major, in his seventh year of undergraduate studies at NYU blocking his way home when his wife is sick and kids need picked up.  Get your ass back to daddy’s money or your dorm, dickhead.  Plus, I’ve talked to residents there.  These idiots are flooding the restaurants for their bathrooms and hurting the businesses.  They have enough problems with the city governments taxing the hell out of them and passing more regulations than you can count.

Finally, I never liked a lot of cops when I was in college.  They were harrassing me, MAN!  Now that I’ve been out a decade?  I’m surprised I wasn’t arrested more.  I was a real bag of shit that was aggressively drinking with no real responsibilities.  How I am still alive after doing mule kicks off of frat house roofs, driving my car from the outside at 35 mph, and getting into knockdown turf warfare with groups of white trash is a testament to good genes and/or incredible luck.  I now root for cops – every rock or bottle tossed by a hippie makes me pine for a nice macing at the least, if not a mighty overhand smash from a nightstick.  Yes, Wall Street has a ton of flaws.  Yes, I believe in protest and freedom of speech.  Yes, I think cronyism is turning Washington into a swamp of corruption.  There are better ways to do this.  Every cop pulled from their route is another mugging, rape, vandalism, or God knows what else.  If you really care about fairness, sell your iPad and give the money to the homeless guy that used to sleep in the park you now occupy and volunteer to get your corrupt political representation, whatever party, the hell out of office.  Quit bugging the rest of society with your drum circles, stinky, I can see your designer jeans from here.

I hate books and poems and what not that start like that.  Did you learn everything in Kindy Garden?  That we all need nappy time and sharing?  Teach that to the next Hitler or Stalin.  Grow up, take off your diaper and be an adult.  I’d love to have a summer break to play wiffleball (drink) or tag (more drinking), but it’s not real so stuff it.

I did learn some funny shit in sports though.  My HS football coach, Coach Moore, played with a big pussy when he was in HS who faked injuries all the time to avoid the field.  His coach got tired of it when ol’ Softy went down with a knee injury.  The old early 70’s era coach roared for a first aid kit.  He took out an aspirin, put a band aid over it, then lifted the kid up and yelled, “Get back in there and give ’em hell!”  I learned from that story if you’re weak, you will be humiliated.

My other fun time story was when I played, the two worst players went head to head in a blocking drill.  They hit each other like two goose feather pillows being swung by invalids.  As the team erupted with fake, mocking, enthusiasm, one fell over by accident, creating the greatest moment in one guy’s life for finally winning a drill.  My coach looked down and said, “If I saw two dogs doing that in my front yard, I’d turn the hose on them.”  I didn’t learn shit from that, but God I love that line.

When I am in a show rife with apathy, I curse about 200% more often.  If you hear me make reference to shooting someone, even myself, I am mentally done with the show.

People hate politicians and want someone outside of lawyer or career politician to run.  When one does or a third party pops up, they get (usually) murdered in the polls, regardless of party.  This entertains me as much as it disturbs me.

I save a lot of coupons, then never use them.  Also, I need to start tossing Maxims and Playboys – deep down I know they’re not worth shit.  I am hoarding on an elementary level.

I ate at a Japanese steakhouse last night in Detroit.  This meant I wanted to enduce vomiting afterwards and the maid should probably bring a canary into my room for safety.  Our Hibachi chef was an authentic Japanese master named Jorge, but in all seriousness he was awesome.  He made a Mickey Mouse out of rice, then stuck the spatula into the mouth area and talked with it.  I clapped like a seal, while the fat kid and his autistic brother ignored him and played video games.  Kids these days…

The only bad part was the awful mom across from me that had to special order everything.  “I want noodles, but only the yellow noodles and no veggies.”  Then she ate all the veggies with her meal.  Meanwhile, I was dangerously low on Bud Light, which goes well with everything.  Plus her socially awkward kid was screaming the whole time.  I would have paid Jorge to flip a hot shrimp tail into her needy face, but I was too busy eating 4000 calories of future farts.  I am going to bed now, my stomach hates me.

I spent most of my Sunday watching football.  A lot of commercials annoy me, but it take a special piece of crap to really get under my skin.  There’s a Lipitor commercial where a guy looks at the camera and says, “I used to ride down this hill without a helmet.  I took some risks as a teenager.”  Then he blathers on about how he doesn’t take risks now by using Lipitor.  WOW!  You were a real hellraiser!  Did you also jaywalk, you devil?  Attention Pfizer marketing department – I once rode on the hood of my own car at over 35 mph in high school; I’m not too impressed with helmet douche.

Also, there are a lot of horrible cell phone commercials.  The worst right now is one where guys wearing futuristic Halo looking outfits jump out of a plane and have blue energy balls that somehow represent a phone or signal strength or who gives a shit.  The thing that annoys me is the disclaimer “Do not attempt” at the bottom of the screen.  Damn, I was just about to put my spandex black outift and motorcycle helmet before jumping out of my plane…oh wait, I don’t have a plane, pilot, or futuristic flight outfit.  How many lawyers had to approve this one?