I saw a post from a fellow comic Matt Kopache asking what steps can be taken after the stay at home is lifted to decrease the likelihood of spreading disease and increase safety. I never thought about this, but I have several ideas in this new world. I will trademark all these and sue you for a bulk pack of Clorox wipes if stolen.
No more handshakes. No fist bumps. No elbows. The only way to pass the mic now is a swift kick in the ass. Both ways, emcee gets booted walking away and returns the favor. This is the way.
No more handing the microphone off. The only acceptable way is to duct tape bullhorns on your face or install those hanging mics like they have in boxing and wrestling. I’m preferring the latter so I can remake Momma Said Knock You Out videos and work on my ring announcing if comedy goes away and gladiator fighting goes up in importance.
Highlander style, every comic must now fight to the death with swords. When you behead another comic, you absorb their power and material. There can be only one Highlander/stand-up. You can’t pass germs if there is no one left to give you germs! That said, a lot will die, but look, I didn’t start the Highlander thing, it’s been around for like thousands of years or whenever the first movie came out.
Give the crowd a fire hose full of hand sanitizer. If the comics stink, they get blasted early. If they are good, well…they still get blasted with Purell, but they get their full stage time.
They are actually TVs like Max Headroom. That means we have to employ a lot of tech people, so it jump starts the economy. Unless you have a studio in your house already, which means you aren’t a comic because all comics are poor.
Finally, comedy is replaced with interpretive dance and mimery. This is a last resort, as I hate to dance and also mimes in general, but studies have shown a mime and interpretive dance show has never had a bad Yelp review. There’s never been one before, so this is a technicality, but it’s science.