I am probably (especially when having a few adult beverages) one of the most crass, uncouth, and unrefined people on Earth. My wife is very lucky. I wasn’t always. As a kid, I was honestly very shy and reserved. The only thing that made me shift gears? I did a ton of impressions. I know, I shuddered also. I used to do a spot on Robin Leach. My Irish, English, German and Scottish accents are solid and I can mimic most cartoon characters, even with my stupidly deep voice. In high school, the only time I came out of my shell (sober) was doing a deadly Matt Foley, motivational speaker. As a young kid though? Nope.
My daughter, the aka more gentle sex, talks about poopy and pennes and butts like she’s getting sales commission. Someone help me. I don’t know what to do. I was taking a piss and she barged in, like only a three year old can. “THAT’S YOUR BUTT! I DON’T HAVE A BUTT.” Well, you’re half right.
Yesterday, I was changing her pull up, as we are almost potty trained. “I DON’T HAVE A PENNE (pronounced PEY-NAY). LOOK!” Then she went full spread, as if I didn’t know from before her birth there was indeed, no penne. “LOOK DADA, NO PENNE!” Oh dear Lord, I thought girls were more gentle than boys. With this trend, I can only guess my son will wag his ween on the street corner like a trenchcoat creep by 18 months. Someone help me. Yes, Karma is a real bitch also. I’m paying for ruining all those weddings in the early to late 2000’s with my shirtless dancing and best man speeches.