• My kid is obsessed with horrible things

    Posted by on March 7, 2019

    I am probably (especially when having a few adult beverages) one of the most crass, uncouth, and unrefined people on Earth.  My wife is very lucky.  I wasn’t always.  As a kid, I was honestly very shy and reserved.  The only thing that made me shift gears?  I did a ton of impressions.  I know, I shuddered also.  I used to do a spot on Robin Leach.  My Irish, English, German and Scottish accents are solid and I can mimic most cartoon characters, even with my stupidly deep voice.  In high school, the only time I came out of my shell (sober) was doing a deadly Matt Foley, motivational speaker.  As a young kid though?  Nope.

    My daughter, the aka more gentle sex, talks about poopy and pennes and butts like she’s getting sales commission.  Someone help me.  I don’t know what to do.  I was taking a piss and she barged in, like only a three year old can.  “THAT’S YOUR BUTT!  I DON’T HAVE A BUTT.”  Well, you’re half right.

    Yesterday, I was changing her pull up, as we are almost potty trained.  “I DON’T HAVE A PENNE (pronounced PEY-NAY).  LOOK!”  Then she went full spread, as if I didn’t know from before her birth there was indeed, no penne.  “LOOK DADA, NO PENNE!”  Oh dear Lord, I thought girls were more gentle than boys.  With this trend, I can only guess my son will wag his ween on the street corner like a trenchcoat creep by 18 months.  Someone help me.  Yes, Karma is a real bitch also.  I’m paying for ruining all those weddings in the early to late 2000’s with my shirtless dancing and best man speeches.

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