A new child means new material, I’ve been told. Here’s some quick ones I thought of!
Now that I have two kids, I’ll finally have more time to write new jokes! Haha, that’s a joke within a joke. It took me four days to type that without interruptions.
My son’s circumcision was supposed to take an hour; it took two and a half. Guess my son takes after dad, huh? (Points down at groin, raises eyebrows. Someone from crowd yells, It means you’re not the real father, needledick!) OK, maybe skip that joke. Moving on.
My wife and I discussed briefly if we are stopping at two kids, but the truth is I slammed my balls in the car door 17 times when I found we were having a boy and I have met my one of each quota.
I found boys are different from girls in that they pee all over everything if you leave that thing uncovered. So far, I’ve enjoyed because he’s got me once, but my wife and mother in law about seven times. That’s a tolerable laugh ratio to getting peed on ratio.
I can’t wait to teach my son manly things, as soon as I figure out what they are.
I’m going to make sure my son knows how to throw a baseball…or just coach the team so he can start.
My son will be taught the best way to handle bullies is to tell his two and half year old sister that wears shoes meant for four and five year olds so she can kick their asses. Literally at the same time, no matter how many, her feet are freaking enormous.
I don’t know what age I’ll have to have the “sex talk” with my kids, but both are under three and they have been told to leave my liquor and beer alone upon penalty of excommunication from the family.
Well, that’s all I have. I may use two of these, if I can remember them a week from now. Thanks sleep deprivation!