Terrible intros are part of comedy, but come on

One of the things I hate as an emcee is a comic that demands a very specific intro.  It drives me nuts.  If you think an audience cares about an intro, your jokes stink or you have OCD.  I did a show one time for 15 people and the “headliner” made the emcee read a two minute intro, then torched him when he messed up one credential.  She was horrible, in case you were wondering.

That first paragraph aside, I have had some really bad ones.  I’m pretty simple – just mention my website, if people are seriously interested, which happens never, then they can check out my shows online.  Some guy that worked at Fed Ex bought Chriscoen.com and wanted $600 for it so I told him to pound it and got this site.  I’ll bet 95% of my intros tell people to go to chriscoen.com.

The worst one I can remember with special effects was an “urban” show I did, which is what the industry calls a show where there’s three or less whiteys.  Urban shows are big on music intros.  The DJ asked me what I wanted, and I honestly could give a shit less, so I said, how about some Guns N Roses or metal?   As I walked onstage, he played the one white guy in his collection…Billy Ray Cyrus singing Achy Breaky Heart.  Next time, how about we skip the music and just call me white trash?

Then my favorite – I was talked into a show at a private tennis club.  I said, why not, because I’m an idiot.  There was no stage, just a tent and 15 sweaty rich white guys and an old lady probably the age of Amelia Earhart’s great-aunt.  I didn’t care, but they insisted bringing me up.  Mumm-Ra, the ever living, grabbed a BULLHORN and began yelling about two feet from me.  “THIS GUY HAS BEEN TO THE FUNNY BONE.  CHRIS COWAN.”  That’s right, Buffy – this guy has been to the Funny Bone.  Worked there?  Nah!  He’s just been there, so you know he’s hilarious.  I grabbed the mike and just stared at her for five seconds with disdain.  “Yes, and I actually go onstage there too!  Even without a bullhorn intro!”  She stared at me, unblinking, then shuffled off to jump back into the Lazarus Pit and I did my thing.  It went OK as I just made of her half the time and I was paid in beer for a 10 minute set.  Next time, I’m hoping they say I heard a joke once somewhere so put your hands together.