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  • Where have you been my whole life, fancy grocery store?

    Posted by on October 16, 2017

    The Coen family moved into a new home this weekend.  It was awful and terrible and there was weeping and gnashing of teeth.  I’ll save that for another blog, but if you’ve ever moved a piano you know hasn’t been played since 1943, you know how bad moving sucks.

    No, let’s focus on the positives, because I am a ray of sunshine in the fog of life.  Oh wait, I’m the fog, but anyhoo, I did find something amazing.  The rich people grocery store.  Well, it’s mostly a regular grocery, but it’s a marketplace one.  I walked in, grumpy and seeking to avoid eye contact like normal.  All of the sudden I realized this nicer part of town had a fancy schmancy grocery store.  THEY HAVE A CANDY STATION!  Oh man!  THE LUNCH MEAT IS PRE-SLICED AND YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO TALK TO PEOPLE TO GET DELI MEATS AND OH BY THE WAY, THEY SPELL OUT DELICATESSEN, NOT JUST THE WORD DELI!  Oh glory be!  No human contact!  THEY HAVE SEVEN SOUPS!  Not just an old veggie soup with pond scum on top like normie grocery stores!

    It got even better, they had a new salad dressing made from Avocados, Snickerdoodle Hummus, and more!  I don’t even know what this crap is!  I was skipping along, pushing my cart.  Cleaning supplies?  Meh!  I’m rich now!  Those are for poor people.  Everything I touch is clean now!  Finally, I rounded the corner and found A BAR.  IN THE STORE.  Well, I’m squatting here.  Hell with the new house, it’s time to live at Giant Eagle Market District.  I’m going to the nut crusher/custom nut butter stand and making Cashew peanut butter while I’m waiting on the bartender to change to fresh keg.  That old keg is like four minutes old.  I just have to stay away from the Busch Light dirty 30 pack or they’ll sniff me out and boot me out faster than that time I got kicked out of a party for cannonballing the hot tub.

    *UPDATE – I saw my receipt.  I’m going back to the poor people grocery store Saturday.  🙁

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