My wife found a bike online for me with a child’s seat. We excitedly put our daughter in the seat and she began screaming because she hated wearing a helmet. I was also screaming because I didn’t want to wear one either. Helmets are for nerds! (I’ve had five concussions – no nerds here!) So this weekend, I took off the seat (it also hits me on the heels when I pedal about 15% of the time as a bonus) and went for a long ride.
My favorite part about riding a bike, is after having observed them for years, is that traffic rules no longer apply! Go piss up a rope, car people, the road is mine! I can block cars, ignore stop signs, you name it. Well, until someone hits me, then I’m dead. It’s a fair trade-off.
My least favorite part was being repeatedly passed by 50 year old women and dudes with biker shorts on. I did pass a couple in their mid-60’s, so I had that going for me. I yelled “Move it, losers!” to help motivate them to pedal faster. Just trying to help.
I took a nice trail past some wetlands (aka fancy name for a swamp) which was nice to look at, if you ignore the wafting scent of wet mud and decaying foliage. Mmmmm, swamp air. I felt a little out of place also, as I was passing a lot of people enjoying picnic time along the trail while my headphones blared Black Sabbath and Metallica. Nothing like watching people take in nature while you listen to Blackened, a song about nuclear destruction.
Of course, at the end, I realized that I had to pedal back up a two mile hill to get home, so I thought about calling 911 to come drive me home, but I didn’t have my phone on me, plus I don’t know how to hotwire a car, so I had no choice but to ride back (aka push the bike up the hill). Maybe in another 3 years I can pedal up an incline over 4%. Of course, my real goal is to get back into shape so I can make fun of fat people again. We all have to have dreams.