My wife won tickets to the Ohio State season opener this week, so we were able escape the house and venture into the madness that is 105,000 people cramming into a stadium and about as many getting drunk outside of it. This was the first year they allowed alcohol sales in the stadium. In the past, you had to sneak it in or get so drunk at a tailgate you were rolling the dice on if you would pass out before halftime.
It’s not all roses, though, because I saw this.
No animals? You mean I can’t bring my horse or mountain lion? Great, now I need a lion sitter. Actually, I could see some weirdo that lets their sweater wearing dog open mouth kiss them ruining my Saturday, so I get that one.
No drones? Has anyone ever brought a drone into the stadium? Would a person try to fly one in or carry it? Not sure how that works. Same with fireworks. I’m sure no one would have an issue once you shot off some Roman candles, right? Prudes. Speaking of that, is it necessary to call out illegal drugs? Aren’t they, um, illegal? “Sir, you’re going to have to leave your cocaine at your RV.” “Oh man, you cops are really breaking my balls over here! It’s not on the sign!” “Actually it is, sorry.” “Oh. Well, in that case, I’ll comply.”
The rest of the list is great too – televisions. If you’re dragging a TV around to a game, the white coats should toss you in a van and take you to a happy place. “If only I could find a place to plug this in, I could watch the game.” “You know the game’s right there, right? That’s why you paid $100 for the ticket.” “Don’t bother me, I have to find the cable hookup also!” Which brings me to weapons. Could you be more specific? Sure I get firearms, but I won’t be told I can’t bring my halberd. What if the terrorists lead a mounted charge against our position and we need a quickly assembled phalanx? What then, Ohio State? What then?!