Last year, I won 2 fantasy football leagues, so I can share with guaranteed ways to win your league and have millions of dollars (or maybe $50 if you’re in a poor person league) at your disposal. Never mind that I was in four leagues total last year, that’s not important.
How does fantasy football work? You get together with a bunch of people, drink beer, eat cheese products or wings, and pick individual players you think will put up huge statistics during the NFL season. No matter what, everyone leaving is convinced they should be a GM in the NFL afterwards and much trash talk is tossed around. Then you “play” other people head to head weekly, most points wins. Here’s how to achieve such fame and fortune as me –
1) Have no one on your team get hurt. This is easy, you just need to learn dark occult rituals and possibly sell your soul to Satan. If you can’t do this, don’t worry, no one ever gets hurt in the NFL, except your first round pick.
2) Hope the majority of your draft rivals get drunk and start picking players from their favorite teams instead of good players. I was in a league where a guy only picked Bengals, ex-Buckeyes and white wide receivers. He got last place. Sorry, Ed McCaffrey.
3) Pray your best players aren’t on good teams at the end of the season. In the real NFL, the teams that are locked into the playoffs sit their good players, showing more regard for winning the Super Bowl than your fantasy football win! The nerve!
4) Don’t draft all the same position. I was in a league where a guy picked six quarterbacks…only one can play at a time. He didn’t do very well. Yes, believe it or not, a key to winning is having players that can actually play.
5) Be lucky. There is no formula to win that beats random BS luck. Last year, I would have lost one league in the finals, but AJ Green got hurt in the final game on Monday night and I barely pulled out a win. I had posted on Facebook earlier that day that I would give $ to anyone that hit him with a truck. I either have voodoo power or yet another log on my fire in hell. Probably the latter.
Follow these simple rules, get your wife’s permission to play, and enjoy fantasy football like a man!