Fatherhood at three weeks

“Hey Chris, what’s it like being a dad?”  It’s pretty awesome, especially the six or seven minutes a day my daughter is not eating or sleeping and I get to read to her.

"Dad, why do you keep reading this book over and over?"
“Dad, why do you keep reading this book over and over?”

For any new fathers to be, here’s some tips and tricks I learned:

Babies scream for three reasons.  1) Feed me bitch.  2) Change me bitch.  3) Hold me bitch, then feed me again.  Our daughter will cry, then an eye drop of breastmilk later, she’s out like your drunk uncle on Christmas.  The change is fascinating and terrifying.

SLEEP WHEN YOU CAN.  “Gee, I think I could wash my car and…” SLEEEEEEPPPPP!!!!  “I really would like to check out the game and perhaps…” SLEEEEPPPPP!!!!  You get it.  I actually fell asleep twice typing this blog.

Remember when you used to play drinking games like Asshole and you were the beer bitch, fetching everyone’s drinks?  Dust off those skills, my friends!  Formula, bottles, grocery goods, binkies, laundry, trash, diapers – you will amazed that a nine pound baby consumes more total material than a Golden Corral full of 15 year old boys.

You actually have to wash your hands now.  Not just the ol’ flick under the running water.  Soap and hot water and the whole mess.  Not that I didn’t wash my hands before, but now everything I touch feels like it’s got more bacteria than a swamp in July.

Finally, be nice to momma.  She sleeps less than you, plus has to have her nipples whittled down like they’ve been hit by a belt sander.  Let’s face it, too – she actually knows stuff about babies.  I would be playing 80’s hair metal ballads to calm my daughter down (Skid Row can soothe the wildest beast), trying to give her chocolate milk because it’s cheaper and tastes better than Similac (I assume, never had Similac) and rotate two onesies with filthy sayings on them.  My wife wakes up if a mouse sneezes in Iowa to check on the baby.  She forgets to eat because she’s worried our daughter didn’t get that extra tenth of an ounce.  If there’s a mom of the year contest, my wife is in the running after only three weeks.