One of my pals asked me a lot of questions about doing comedy recently, which made me realize before I started, I had no idea what was going on with comedy either. So I thought I would recap a recent show.
I had a show outside of Pittsburgh, so I left in plenty of time. My iPod was charged and since I could barely swallow, I was drinking Chloraseptic and eating Halls, so my mouth had a nice dry, medicine shit taste. All was good until my GPS started shooting rum and sent my into a neighborhood that looked like the town in Deer Hunter, but less modern. I hit a pothole so hard, I think I got myself pregnant. Finally, I pulled over to piss and get gas. The gas station had no bathroom. I got gas. I drove one mile down the road – the next gas station was .15 cents per gallon cheaper and had a bathroom.
I got the show, good room, good crowd. I met the other comics. You can always pick out the other comics. They are usually drinking in a corner, either coffee or draft beer because it’s cheap, surrounded by notebooks and with an old dirty gym bag full of shirts. The crowd was cool, but it was mentioned I was from Ohio, so a guy kept yelling “O H I O!” Not just O H, but the whole thing. After about four of those, I told him it wasn’t Ohio, it was just him. He didn’t stop.
There was no hotel, so I had to scoot back to O H I O. I made it halfway and the menthol from cough drops was cracking my throat, plus I was nearly drowning in my own urine, so I stopped at a rest stop. I put $1.05 in the vending machine, then it ate my quarter. I hit the coin return and it ate all my change. I went back to the car and didn’t have enough change for a snack and a drink, so I was pissed. So pissed, I almost didn’t notice the 50 year old man in the corner with the tinted glasses and clip on tie staring at me. I then realized he had been in the restroom also. Sorry, you’re not my type, Milton from Office Space.
That was my night. Most shows are like that, only more booze and bullshit. I am usually full of both of those at any time anyways, so it works for me.