Month: March 2014

The other night I went to get some meat for the grill, since nice weather means it’s grill time.  I don’t wear a bib that says something like, “Grillmaster” or “Don’t Mess with the Chef”, but I somehow manage.  I went to the grocery and much to my dismay, they didn’t have kabobs.  I pondered whether I should strangle someone to death, but found that they did have a good selection of other things, so I allowed their sin to go unpunished.

I ordered a nice marinated chicken breast, but the butcher grabbed the wrong one.  “I’m sorry, let me put this back.”  I didn’t care, since all selections are fine when you are a garbage disposal like me.  “I’ll take it, no worries.”  He looked at me and I thought he was going to cry.  “Thanks, for being cool about it, I’ll hook you up.”  He then gave me a grill treat for two for the price of .81 cents.  If there was a camera, I would have turned to it and given a big fat thumbs up.

He was overly nice.  What is his day normally like?  “Give me some chicken, serf!”  “Sorry your lordship, I hath none.”  “Fool!  Burn him at yon stake!”  People are dicks.  I considered turning over a new leaf.  Perhaps there is something to this new way, a way of patience and kindness.  Maybe I can work together with my fellow man.  Then a mini-van in front of me was sitting at the light for two and half seconds when it turned green.  I laid on the horn and screamed obscenities, “Move your ass, mouth breather!”  Well, that moment passed.  Oh well, at least I have cheap glazed chicken.

The new Facebook trend is taking quizzes.  Still not up at the level of pictures or kids or bad customer service experiences or restaurant check-ins, but it’s up there.  I found out, for example, if I was on Game of Thrones, I’d be Jon Snow.  I guess that means I’m a bastard who wears black and is pretty handy with a blade.  In reality, I’m a dickhead who wears black and is pretty handy with a blade in video games.  Not too far off.

I also learned if I was an Avenger, I’d be Captain America.  Probably not so accurate, since I drink like Iron Man, have a temper like the Hulk and my comedy is as well liked as Ant-Man.  Who’s Ant-Man?  Exactly.  I saw a Walking Dead one, but I didn’t take it because I wouldn’t be like anyone on the show.  For one, I would actually spend my whole life looking for Dinty Moore beef stew.  That stuff is awesome.  Second, I get a place WITH A TOP FLOOR AND BARRICADE THE STAIRS.  Had to get that off my chest.  No one blocks off the damn stairs.  Lastly, has anyone thought to get a silencer and look into how to make their own ammo?  Just a thought.  Of course, I would probably not survive once the booze ran out, by choice.  “Let’s band together, everyone and fight to survive.”  “We’re out of Beam.”  “Well, I’m running headfirst into a herd.  Nice knowing everyone.”

One of my pals asked me a lot of questions about doing comedy recently, which made me realize before I started, I had no idea what was going on with comedy either.  So I thought I would recap a recent show.

I had a show outside of Pittsburgh, so I left in plenty of time.  My iPod was charged and since I could barely swallow, I was drinking Chloraseptic and eating Halls, so my mouth had a nice dry, medicine shit taste.  All was good until my GPS started shooting rum and sent my into a neighborhood that looked like the town in Deer Hunter, but less modern.  I hit a pothole so hard, I think I got myself pregnant.  Finally, I pulled over to piss and get gas.  The gas station had no bathroom.  I got gas.  I drove one mile down the road – the next gas station was .15 cents per gallon cheaper and had a bathroom.

I got the show, good room, good crowd.  I met the other comics.  You can always pick out the other comics.  They are usually drinking in a corner, either coffee or draft beer because it’s cheap, surrounded by notebooks and with an old dirty gym bag full of shirts.  The crowd was cool, but it was mentioned I was from Ohio, so a guy kept yelling “O H I O!”  Not just O H, but the whole thing.  After about four of those, I told him it wasn’t Ohio, it was just him.  He didn’t stop.

There was no hotel, so I had to scoot back to O H I O.  I made it halfway and the menthol from cough drops was cracking my throat, plus I was nearly drowning in my own urine, so I stopped at a rest stop.  I put $1.05 in the vending machine, then it ate my quarter.  I hit the coin return and it ate all my change.  I went back to the car and didn’t have enough change for a snack and a drink, so I was pissed.  So pissed, I almost didn’t notice the 50 year old man in the corner with the tinted glasses and clip on tie staring at me.  I then realized he had been in the restroom also.  Sorry, you’re not my type, Milton from Office Space.

That was my night.  Most shows are like that, only more booze and bullshit.  I am usually full of both of those at any time anyways, so it works for me.

The new trend in fitness appears to be obstacle course 5K’s.  I know, I have done a few.  Warrior this, Hell that, Survival whatever, Armageddon blah…basically they encourage fitness stars and out of shape beer guzzlers like me to give it a go and have a good ol’ time.  Here’s what you need to know about this new trend.

1) Trust me.  You are NOT in the worst shape of the participants.  They charge $40 plus to get in.  They’ll let the “My 600 lb. Life” cast in these things.  Just sign the waiver for the lawyers!

2) Obstacle can mean walking across a ten foot board.  It can also mean carrying a frozen ass 50 lb. sandbag 200 yards.  It’s like a kindergarten teacher and sado-masochist planned the race.

3) Celebrities abound.  First one, I saw Tone Loc.  Last one, Arnold Schwarzenegger.  I keep this up, I may run into someone really famous like Richard Simmons or the juice guy with the weird eyebrows (is he still alive?)

4) I bitched that they didn’t show the results after my last race.  Then I saw my results.  No thanks, information society.